Let's face it: consumer fireworks have been getting a raw deal for too long here in North Texas.

In your average year, by the time July 4th rolls around we've been beaten into submission by strings of "rain-free" (as Rebecca Miller would put it) 100+ degree days; the grass is turning brown (except in the yard of Mrs. Saunders down the street, who's been cheating on the watering restrictions but will eventually pay for it when and angry God - in the form of a postman, I guess - delivers her water bill); the lakes and reservoirs feature more dried-up, cracking perimeter than actual liquid content; and anything that remotely resembles a flammable is threatening to burst into flames at the drop of a cigarette ash.

As I scribble, the forecast for this July 4th calls for a 50% chance of rain. Odds are, no one will be able to light a punk, much less a roman candle. So, here's my humble suggestion: give those poor put-upon fireworks vendors (along with everyone who enjoys having a firecracker blast on special occasions) a friggin' break and remove the city restrictions on fireworks use. One time only.

Yes, yes, I know: it's not only the danger of torching habitations and vital infrastructure that has led to the restrictions on fireworks usage; it's also the fact that they will BLOW YOUR HAND CLEAN OFF - not to mention putting out both of your eyes if you so much as gaze crosswise at them. (It's a little-discussed fact that consumer fireworks for export were designed by the evil minions of Fu Manchu in an effort to bring the economy of the west to its charred and bloody knees, while those created for the home markets are specially-designed to do no damage whatsoever to life, limb or property. In this photo, carefully-trained communist experts prepare to demonstrate the special thermite-enhanced ship-to-America versions of what appear to be innocuous aerial display items.)

So go ahead, Mother Superior, and limit sales to "responsible" adults (most of whom couldn't be trusted around steak knives - which, sadly, have no restrictions upon their purchase), who can then decide whether to distribute the catastrophically-hazardous explosive devices to their Darwin Award-worthy offspring.

The kinds of places in which it might be safe to set off ground or aerial fireworks this year:

1. your back yard

2. your front yard

3. your bedroom (assuming you're either prone to bedwetting or have recently experienced leaky-roof syndrome)

4. your neighbor's wood-shingle roof

5. the local park

6. the trash barrels at the local park

7. the skate park facility at the local park

8. the lush, green and thoroughly-saturated lawn in front of City Hall

9. the shores of Lake Ray Hubbard within which the transient 10-foot alligator now resides (shake that corrugated SOB up and send him packing back to Lake Lavon)

(Dang, I've run out of ideas. Every good list of things has ten entries, and here I sit, thumb up my... well, you know... totally devoid of further suggestions for places to shoot fireworks this monsoon season... wait a minute, I've GOT IT!

10. in honor of our mayor-elect, the nearest construction site