I've got the perfect slow death for anyone to try out on their worst enemy. You know how some people say, "Oh, I wouldn't even do that to my own worst enemy." Well, I'd do this. This is awesome.

First, get your enemy in the same room/area/park/open space/whatever with you dressed up like Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Instead of ripping out your enemy's beating, live heart (I mean, whose got Sankara Stones these days?), you just turn him around, sink your fist in his back, pull out the bottom of his spine and cram it up like a snowball, let your cat lick some of it as a snack, and then stick it back in your enemy. And then you make him watch this YouTube video of a woman talking about how depressing it was to be a young Julie Andrews fan in the early 1970s (part 3 of a 4-part series - watch all four and it's an instant death and you don't want that.)

I know this will work because although the above didn't happen to me, per se, something happened to my back three days ago that was just as entertaining. And then I found that YouTube video by sweet serendipity last night and then came that AHA! moment when I knew I had found the perfect death cocktail. Thankfully, I turned off the video after a minute or so, after I felt my dog licking my inanimate face hanging off the side of the couch and that is the only reason I'm here to write this.

And the only reason I can get to a computer to write this is that I am in between passing out from the ridiculous, un-medicated pain and the time that the medicated medication dulls the pain but renders you unconscious. I've had back pain before, but nothing like this. I don't know what the hell happened. At this point I don't care. All I know is that, basically, until you hear a squeaky, crumbly, cracking sound that indicates your spine is about to disintegrate and then you need to go get a surgeon, you pretty much can't do doodley squat about a bad back. Isn't that awesome!? I think it's one of nature's real treasures.

I didn't call a doctor for two days because most everything I read online said - You know, if it doesn't improve within 72 hours call a doctor. Well, I waited 72 hours and you know what kind of you-should-have-done-that-at-least-48-hours-ago lecture that brings from the wife, right? If you don't know, stop what you're doing, go get married, do something that strains your back yet keep it a secret from yourself what you actually do, wait 72 hours and then just sit back and soak it all in. (One reason I love my wife is because she is correct. Nonetheless, I don't need to hear this @#$%! right now. But another reason I love my wife is because I can say I don't need to hear this @#$%! right now and instead of getting mad at me she'll kind of laugh at me because she knows I'm being an idiot and, again, she and I know she is correct. But like I said, I don't need that @#$%! either. You can get stuck in this stubborn loop for days if you feel like it.)

Ultimately, I don't know if I'm writing this as advice to keep a healthy, happy marriage or as a charming treatise on how to properly end some jerk's life. I wish I could make it about how to take care of your precious lumbar region, but I don't know what happened to mine. I like the slow death part the most, but you take it as you will.

Comments

Chad Jones Staff

How are there possibly four parts to this? Anyway, get well soon, if that is possible.

1 year, 7 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

DC Anonymous

This is what can happen when you post on vicoden. Take note.

1 year, 7 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )