Look, I like Subway. I used to eat there all the time until I got sick of eating there all the time because I just ate there, like, all the time. I'm also a fan of Adam Smith and his hand.

BUT! I went up to Frisco Monday for this thing I had to go to, and I drove by the place where we used to live. And right down the road from that place is a Subway. I didn't pass the Subway that I've been to before. I passed by one that's about to open. Both are within walking distance to the aforementioned living place. I don't mean you could walk there if you hit a loose horse on the highway and totaled your car. I mean, if you don't walk there you're a lazy slob.

Even though that's only two Subways within super easy walking distance, it's so obvious that the restaurant has those people up there in a double meat/double cheese crossfire. It would make me feel a little disobedient if I still lived there. Don't push your stuff on me like that, man. You'd get the urge to drive to the just-as-close McDonald's and then go to the karate school behind it and split your fat-containing pants because you're so fat and can't do karate any more - but you can take your pants to the tailor across the street and then go to the dentist next door after you get your teeth kicked in because you can't defend your fat-consuming mouth with a Jodan Ko Uke. (My wife, Liz, has a theory that every strip mall business actually only serves one superior place of business in that strip mall. All retail life revolves around, and serves only at the pleasure of, The One. Check out any strip mall and try to guess the alpha store.)

Near our place of work, there are seven Subways that are, as far as I'm concerned, equidistant and only minutes from my desk - 10 stores if you don't mind adding three or four minutes to your ride. Within a half-hour radius from my desk, I am not joking because I have used the store locator many times, there have to be at least 100 Subways. I wouldn't be surprised if there were 200.

How does this Jared Effect mess with the ecosystem? What about global warming? If there is not a global warming problem that points straight back to Jared's house I will be shocked and will have to blindly adjust my overall outlook on life.

As far as I know, Andorra doesn't have a single Subway. That country also has the highest life expectancy in the world, which I submit to you is no damn coincidence.