Man, sometimes I love technology - and sometimes I hate it.

Take this electro-tattler remote control gizmo that some Regal Theater operators are handing out to select Crown Club program snitches as they make their way into the auditorium.

It allows these self-appointed high-and-mighty theater monitors to press a button and summon an employee if a) the picture quality has problems (or the film breaks, as it did when I screened Spider-Man 3 at the UA Galaxy a few weeks back); b) the soundtrack craps out; c) a fellow moviegoer is seen to be surreptitiously videotaping or otherwise recording the on-screen action; or d) something referred to as an "Other Disturbance" occurs, which could run the gamut from conversational distraction to tossing beer cans into the row behind them to - I suppose - bungee-jumping from the upper balcony - if there were any theaters left that actually HAD balconies, that is.

Personally, I hate it when people at a screening I'm attending demonstrate their lack of courtesy by pulling such stunts, but I'm not sure the random recruitment of theater narcs is a viable solution. Let me give you an example: my wife, God love her, is a good and caring individual, but her susceptibility to distraction when attending a movie is such that a person eight rows behind us whispering the occasional comment to their neighbor will attract her ire to the extent that severe "SHUSH"-ing imprecations are bound to eventually result. If you were to arm my darling Anne with one of these devices, she'd punch away at button number "D" until the poor chap on the receiving end of the alert transmission had been forced to eject a majority of patrons from the auditorium. Bad for bid'ness, don't you know.

Another problem I see with the device is that it's too high-profile: if you were to enter the theater carrying one, all the ne'er-do-wells already seated would mark you for a stoolie; following any summoning of moviehouse gendarmes for purposes of imposing the gag order, you'd probably have trouble making it back to your green-friendly hybrid vehicle after the show without experiencing a good and proper pounding.

Here's a better solution, and it need not be high-tech: perform a pre-screening psychological testing of film attendees and determine who would make a fair and even-handed judge of the state of the auditorium; set him or her up behind a one-way glass window in a position above the room and arm him (or her) with a wired switchbox with a numbered button for every seat in the house. If some crass bastard starts conferencing in his business partners on a cell conversation, our monitor can press the number of his theater seat and SHOCK the son of a bitch senseless. Works every time, and without inconvenience to theater personnel.

Alternatively, hand out one of these to each patron, and let 'er rip.