Since I was stuck at the house unexpectedly this morning while my auto club's contractor dude dropped by to change a flat (might as well use the service, right? Keeps people employed. It's almost patriotic in a way, he thought, hanging out in the air conditioned house), I started thinking about how best to address the downside of this whole organic gardening thing. Because - let's face it - there is one.

Truth is, it can be a stinky proposition. Particularly if the gardener you're hooked up with has a fondness for cotton burr compost. (BUM! Bum! bummmmm...)

What is it about decomposing cotton burrs that makes them absolutely, positively noxious, you're wondering? I wish I could tell you - but all I know is, they really, truly are.

Anne bought a new Honda Civic about three years ago, and the best money ever spent on an optional accessory went towards the purchase of the rubberized, removable bed liner that form fits into the bottom of the trunk like a sort of oddly-shaped tray. She has filled that trunk up so many times with cotton burr compost (and cedar mulch, and earthworm - ah - "castings") that I've lost track.

(Truth is, I've probably just blocked it, like you would a terrible truck accident or a half-hour spent with an insurance salesman.)

Every time I hear that I'll be unloading a trunk full of cotton burr compost, I prepare by changing into disposable clothing, as there's really no point in trying to unload the compost bags (particularly if wet - AARGH!) and then doing anything else in the pants and shirt you've done the unloading in. Because people will smell you coming and run in the other direction. (And so will your trusted house pets. Even fish.)

If you're going to get involved in the hauling and off-loading of gardening bed prep materials, my best advice is to either make sure you have one of these removable (washable) bed liners, or a second vehicle that's to be used exclusively for compost.

As for the cedar mulch, it is actually pleasant smelling (think cedar chests), though entering into the driver's compartment of a closed vehicle whose back seat is stacked head-high with bags of the stuff can be a nostril-opening, sneeze-inducing experience if one hasn't the time to air the car out. As I didn't recently when I was forced to take Anne's "fully loaded" Honda to an evening film screening at the AMC Northpark.

There was simply not enough time to unload the dozens of industrial-sized bags of aromatic mulch before I had to be at the theater, and my own vehicle was in the shop for repair. So I rolled the windows fully down and cruised on over to the shopping center's covered garage, where I parked and hoofed it into the mall.

It was only upon exiting the theater that it occurred to me how fortunate it was that my wife prefers organic materials to - for instance - ammonium nitrate. A back seat full of that stuff, combined with an overzealous security guard, could have landed me in Guantanamo.

NOTE that Anne is undoubtedly grinding her teeth at this diatribe (I can practically hear her, from half a city away), having already explained to me that not all cotton burr compost is stinky.

Which begs the question: why aren't we buying the un-stinky kind?

HON-ey, you got some 'splaining to do!!!