Making a true federal case

by Blair Lovern

Wilonsky at Unfair Park reports that McGraw-Hill Company (parent company of Standards & Poor’s) is suing Pascale Hall, owner of Standard & Pours Coffee & Stocks on South Lamar:

In the federal suit, attorneys for McGraw-Hill claims that since Hall’s coffee shop “features numerous elements and activities designed to appeal to investors and stock market enthusiasts, such as broadcasts of television and radio programs on investments, stock market board games, and access to stock market indices such as the S&P 500,” then clearly she’s trying to “appeal to investors and stock market enthusiasts and target the same as potential customers.” And if she’s doing that, then clearly people will believe that Standard & Pours’ “good and services emanate and/or are sponsored, licensed, endorsed, approved, authorized or somehow connected with McGraw-Hill or its Standard & Poor’s business division, when they are not.” The company also now claims that Hall “intentionally and willfully selected [her] mark in order to establish an identity” for her coffee shop “by simply appropriating the goodwill of McGraw-Hill’s trademark and to confuse and mislead the public.”

Here's the application of the "features numerous elements and activities designed to appeal to (blah, blah, blah)" standard to a random sampling of other venues in town, owned by people who obviously have no idea what the hell kind of dispute-loving world they live in:

Edelweiss German Restaurant Steak & Seafood - should be sued into the ground by any self-respecting lover of flowers and/or The Sound of Music.

Broncos Sports Bar & Grill - should be sued into the ground by the NFL and/or their crappy team who will never win anything again without John Elway, sorry, but just face the facts, mountain people.

Fat Catz Louisiana Kitchen, Fat Daddy's Sound Shack, Fat Moe's - you going to take this sitting down, fat people? Or are you so fat you can't call your lawyer because your fat fingers can't punch the phone numbers correctly and all you have on your voice activated dial is a pizza place or some other fat shop for fatties?

Funkytown Sk8 Studio - should be sued into the ground for breach of alphabet.

No Frills Grill & Sports Bar - should be sued into the ground by any self-respecting champion of frill.

The doozie, however is Town and Country Coffeehouse - It should be sued into the ground by any self-respecting producer of award-wining minivans; any self-respecting luxury magazine about travel, fashion, beauty, health, and more!; the city of Town & Country, Missouri; the unincorporated community of Town 'n' Country, Florida; New Line Cinema; any self-respecting resort and/or motor inn of New Hampshire and/or Vermont; any self-respecting gas station and food store chain based in Austin; and including, but not limited to, numerous other self-respecting banks, real estate offices, community theaters, shopping malls, late-model, low-mile, used cars dealers and retirement homes.