ArcticWintryBlastMixArmageddon2006

by Alan Cohen

Get off the road, find the heated blankets, hide the children, and buy lots of salt. After a four day media buildup, we are now entering day two of the arctic terror that mother nature has forced upon North Texas. On day one, some areas of Tarrant County saw awe-inspiring flashes of freezing rain mixed with sickening patches of icy roads. Oh, but that's just the beginning. Areas of Dallas County continued to be taunted and intimidated with the chance of horrifying "thunder sleet" and "frigid lightning" throughout the afternoon.

Now, for a second straight day, children across the metroplex are too scared of the pending weather doom to even attempt attending school. One Haltom City fourth grader said, "It's really really cold outside."

The overwhelming sense of dread that has North Texans trembling in their Patagonia gear hit its peak around 10 AM yesterday after a press conference held by Jan Torbert, spokesperson for the cold front. Torbert announced, "It's coming to get you! No one can stop the CO-O-O-O-OLD FRONT. With a record of 42-0 of which 36 victories came from KOs, Cold Front is gonna take your title DFW. Watch out, Cold Front is gonna be champion of the world, champion of the world, champion of the world."

Torbert was right. But still there are skeptics.

Media analyst Ed Bark steered away from the general sentiment with his take on the storm. Bark says, "This was the oldest trick in the book. It's the tail end of sweeps, and this is clearly a hoax perpetrated by a cabal led by Pete Delkus and David Finfrock. Only Kristine Kahanek refused to participate."

"Now where's my thermal underwear?"

Please remember to stay glued to local television news for the most up to date, accurate, and professional reporting of all the Arctic Terror Day 2 happenings throughout the North Texas area. Who wants to bet that Fox 4 has a risk of the sky completely falling down by the time the evening news rolls around? Any takers? Anyone?

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