Missed Film Opportunities of 2006

by John P. Meyer

Sure, it was a good year for movies. Nicholson returned to the big screen as a tough guy in The Departed; Superman returned from the far side of the galaxy; the luxury cruise ship Poseidon returned for yet another good dunking. (Wait, I said it was a GOOD year). But with a little imagination - and some judiciously-applied cinematic cloning - just look what filmmakers might have delivered to appreciative audiences:

Apocalypto Now! - "I love the smell of tapir balls in the morning."

Little Miss Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Sprach Zarathustra - Olive and her family are on the road to California and the Little Miss Eternal Sunshine contest, when their VW bus is broadsided by a commuter train occupied by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. Everyone forgets where they were going in the first place and decides to hang out in a bookstore and read Neitzche aloud - in its original German.

Fur Your Consideration - Diane Arbus and a hirsute Robert Downey Jr. serve as staff photographers on the set of Christopher Guest's latest ensemble production, but they're fired after all their images turn out to focus on the key grip and the little "pets" he keeps locked up in his trailer. (Oh, and the grip is summarily lynched by the outraged cast, even though they are among the most liberal, good-humored and accepting people on the planet.)

Get on the Shortbus (a Spike Lee double joint) - Black Americans en route to the Million Man March take an unexpected detour into a twilight zone of unbridled - and, alternately, bridled - sensuality.

My Country, My Country: Deja Vu - It's a phenomenon known as the military-industrial complex. It's a phenomenon known as the military-industrial complex. (I have this weird feeling that we’ve already fought a war in Iraq...)

Flags of our Father of the Bride - Steve Martin uses amphibious military tactics to outmaneuver and defeat his prospective in-laws. Rated R for scenes of intense dismemberment.

The Fast Draw and The Furious: Tokyo Plains Drifter - Clint Eastwood clops into town on a horse named Nissan who has the uncanny ability to slide sideways around false-fronted pagodas.

Blood Diamonds Are Forever - James Bond hires out to the De Beers cartel; he and Pussy Galore try to figure out where to hide the small pouch of conflict diamonds they're planning to smuggle across the border. ("Where can we hide them, James? Where?!?" "I honestly can't say, Pussy.")

Happy Feet Gilmore - Adam Sandler stars as a wacky golfer who simply can't stand still on the putting surface. His tap dancing cleats play havoc on greens, leading fellow linksmen to beat him senseless with their titanium putters. Since Sandler actually died from blunt head trauma during the making of the film, it's considered by many critics to be the biggest cinematic success of the year.

The Good German Shepherd - Lassie pays a visit to post-war Berlin and becomes involved in a torrid, meaningless affair with an ex-Nazi guard dog. Can you bark, "Oscar"?

The Notorious Da Vinci Page - a scrap of one of Leonardo's manuscripts turns up in a leather goods emporium in Cleveland, leading to a reluctant re-evaluation of S&M doctrine.

The Devil and Daniel Webster Wear Prada - a simple farm boy makes a deal with the devil to add a touch of pizzaz to his overall wardrobe.

The Black Dahlia's White Christmas - Brian De Palma transports the Hollywood noir thriller to a ski lodge in Vermont that used to be a sorority house. It's all singing, all dancing and all throat-slitting, with Bing crooning out the familiar score (which ends in a wheezing death rattle).