Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Best Beards in DFW Music

By Alan Cohen

PEGASUS NEWS WORLD HEADQUARTERS — Here at TexasGigs, we appreciate a good beard. If there is one aesthetic in society that screams “I dig independent music,” it’s a lack of facial shaving. So after a great deal of research and deliberation, I have ranked the top five beards of DFW music.

While everyone who made it into the top five deserves a great deal of recognition, only one can be the TexasGigs Grand Champion Beardmaster 2006.

The beards were judged based on the following criteria:

Density: Based on a scale from 1-5 with 5 being a complete lack of skinnage, and 1 being Rhett Miller.

Length: Based on a scale from 1-5 with 5 reaching below the neck line, and 1 being Rhett Miller.

Color: Based on a scale from 1-5 with 5 being "I need a Crayola 64 box to identify the beard color" and 1 being "I can identify the beard color with the crayons they give me at Chili’s when I ask for a kid’s menu."

Pirateocity: Based on a scale from 1-5 with 5 being “get this guy a parrot!” and 1 being “what a land-lover!”

**Beards with food stuck in them were automatically disqualified.

**Ties will be decided by eenie meenie minee moe.

5th Place -

Chris Johnson from Telegraph Canyon

Density – 2 – This is really Chris’ biggest weakness. While each individual strand of hair covers a great deal of facial-area, Chris continues to struggle with patchiness.

Length – 3 – A respectable score. Chris has been known to trim frequently which makes his length more of an artistic choice. We can respect that.

Color – 2 – Sorry Chris, but I can get a yellow crayon with any standard kid’s menu.

Pirateocity – 3 – The pirates of Telegraph Canyon sound like pretty scary concept.

Final Score: 10

4th Place -

Sam Machkovech, Music Editor of the Dallas Observer

Density – 3 – Sam has complete skin blockage in most areas. However, he suffers from the natural bootstrap effect. Its almost as if his hair growth hits a roadblock at the upper cheekline.

Length – 2 – The picture clearly shows Sam’s beard stretching for every last millimeter, but he’ll need more growth than that if he ever intends to break into the elusive Top Three.

Color – 5 – Our first perfect score! Is it red? Is it orange? Either response would be much too simplistic.

Pirateocity – 1 – Pirates don’t write the story–.pirates ARE the story.

Final Score - 11

3rd Place -

Andy La Violette of Bagg

Density – 4 – Andy has a truly respectable amount of volume to his facial growth. Sure, there are some hints of skin sprinkled in, but that’s nothing that a little strategic combing couldn’t hide.

Length – 2 – You just can’t fake length.

Color – 3 – Not bad, but nothing that a color-wheel expert couldn’t duplicate.

Pirateocity – 3 – The readers out there in readerland will probably have a fit over this score. I can see the comments now: “What a sham, Andy is totally a pirate!!” You may not believe me, but I am giving Andy an average pirateocity score for his own good. The pirate label could greatly jeopardize Bagg’s chances at scoring a gig on Jam Cruise 5. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I thought for a second that I sabotaged Bagg's chances.

Final Score - 12

2nd Place -

Scott Porter of the Spitfire Tumbleweeds

Density – 5 – Is his face made of hair? For all we know it could be.

Length – 4 – The curls have really hurt Scott’s chances at a perfect score. If he had only invested in a hair-straightener, Scott may have been our 2006 beardmaster.

Color – 5 – FLAWLESS!

Pirateocity – 4 – The only thing keeping Scott from a perfect score is his reputation as one of the nicest guys in local music. Historically, pirates have had a vicious mean streak. You can almost see the soft kindness in Scott’s current beard.

Final Score - 18

AND OUR “GRAND CHAMPION BEARDMASTER 2006” IS -

Kenny Wayne

Density – 5 – They don’t call him “Kenny the Conditioner” for nothing!

Length – 5 – Forget the neck line, he is going for the waste line. Eat your heart out ZZ Top.

Color – 5 – If they want to maintain credibility, Crayola needs to start working on a color called “Kenny Wayne.”

Pirateocity – 5 – Even the most famous of pirates don’t have a mean streak like Kenny Wayne. Just read one of his e-mails and you’ll know what I mean.

Final Score: A PERFECT 20!!!!

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