Movie Review: Superman Returns

by John P. Meyer

When anything bearing the taint of a remake, sequel, prequel or serial rears its head in wide release, I sniff the wind; and if that film is the fifth in a long-neglected series that became progressively more lackluster as the franchise matured, well... you'll find me at Sam's checkout laying down funds for economy-sized air freshener in shrink-wrapped multi-unit containers.

Hollywood producers love remakes, and they're equally fond of titles bearing Arabic or Roman numerals at the end of them, I guess because they figure there's a chance that folks who shelled out funds for part un will be curious to see whether part deaux will be as enjoyable (or odious) as the previous iteration.

Already this year at the cineplex we've encountered this staggering roll call of remakes and parts deaux, trois, etc.: Underworld: Evolution, When a Stranger Calls, Final Destination 3, The Pink Panther, Madea's Family Reunion, The Hills Have Eyes, The Shaggy Dog, Basic Instinct 2, Ice Age 2: The Meltdown, Scary Movie 4, Mission Impossible 3, X3: The Last Stand, Omen 666, The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift, Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, and - for some perverse, sadistic reason - the third remake (when you count the made-for-television versions, which I do) of The (friggin') Poseidon Adventure, this one called just Poseidon, as if that would give the cadaverous plotline fresh cachet and immediacy, kind of like naming your pet fish Rover - who, even though he does a passable job of playing dead, is still just a stinking fish.

So when I suggest that you ignore whatever baggage you may have going into Superman Returns and just enjoy the ride, I sincerely mean it.

Different film categories beg for different judgment criteria, but in general I use a "Wizard of Oz" approach to deciding whether a movie succeeds or fails: 1) does it have a heart; 2) does it have a brain; and 3) does it look good on the screen? (O.K., that third question doesn't really relate to Wiz Oz, but that courage thing just doesn't work as one of my judgment criteria.) In Superman Returns we find copious amounts of heart, bare rudiments of gray matter, and jaw-dropping visuals which allow us to sweep the film's cerebral deficiencies aside.

There's an intense action sequence as the movie kicks into one of its frequent high gears, during which bank robbers exit via the roof of the building to a waiting helicopter. In order to deal with the pesky gun-toting law enforcement types encircling them from below, the lead robber begins hosing the assembled squad cars with an electrically-operated chain gun - one of those hyper-cyclic-rate automatic weapons used by our military when they absolutely, positively have to kill it dead, and then kill it some more for good measure.

Sensing an imminent danger to innocent lives, the Man of Steel arrives to intercept the flow of bullets and slowly advances up the stream toward the clueless criminal. (Hey, where's this clown been for the last 50 years? YOUR BULLETS ARE USELESS AGAINST HIM, numbskull!) As the gun's multiple barrels cease to rotate and their cherry glow fades to gray, the thug pulls a large-frame auto pistol from his belt and fires point-blank - into Superman's left eye.

It's this sort of formula overclocking that characterizes the movie. Take all the superhero conventions (faster than a speeding bullet; leaping tall buildings; x-ray vision, etc.) and ramp them up to Warp 11 (that elusive speed number which Mr. Scott was never quite able to attain) and you'll get a feel for director Bryan Singer's onscreen accomplishment.

Brandon Routh, as Clark Kent/Superman, strikes nary a false note by playing our hero straight up and understated. He sports a suitably cleft chin, does a creditable job of muscling out the circus aerialist tights, and calls upon a range of facial expressions when straining to perform various feats of incredible strength. (In one creepy shot, while he's hoisting a load of rock the size of New Jersey into the stratosphere, so help me god he looks JUST LIKE AL GORE! Must be the hair....)

Two story lines weave their way through the 2 ½ hour film. The one involving evil genius Lex Luthor's grand scheme for world domination (SNORE!) is peripheral to the domestic imbroglio surrounding Lois and Superman: it seems the Lad of Pipelaying Steel planted seed in Lois (played by Kate Bosworth) during a night of journalistic abandon five years hence, then rocketed off to reconnoiter his doomed home planet Krypton without bothering with "adios." Supe, dude, you got some heavy duty 'splainin' to do! In the interim, Lois has taken up residence with Richard White (James Marsden), a colleague at the Daily Planet who knows a babilicious opportunity when he spies one, and the fruit of the super union now capers about the Planet offices acting like he really can't hurl desks from room to room with a twitch of his bastard finger.

What's a resurgent godlike entity to do? As Crash Test Dummies might have predicted, Superman abides this infringement on his genetic territory, recognizing that his gadabout interplanetary wanderings have voided any warranties that may have been stated or implied in this regard.

Kevin Spacey surpasses at whatever he undertakes, including his portrayal of misunderstood super criminal Lex Luthor. Parker Posey's Kitty Kowalski is sexier by a nautical mile than Kate's Lois, and her character is more complex: witness her tearful yet actively impotent observance of the beating doled out to Superman on the artificial continent during the film's climax.

Memorable quotes:

Lois to Daily Planet editor Perry White (Frank Langella): "I've done Superman."

Lois to Superman, while he's swooping her about the skies over Metropolis in his steely arms: "Richard? He's a pilot. He takes me up all the time!" Superman to Lois: "Not like this."

Daily Planet editor Perry White, musing upon his improbable rescue from imminent crushing death: "Great Caesar's Ghost!"

Gaffes/Lapses in Logic:

Lois spends an awfully long time away from an oxygen mask in the sequence where her aircraft is depressurized above 40,000 ft.

How does the medical crew manage to resuscitate Superman when he flatlines in the hospital?

Why doesn't kryptonite affect young Jason like it does his super dad?

Messianic complex indicators:

As Supe falls back to earth after hurling away the malignant continental mass, he spends considerable time in crucifixion pose. Plus, there's all that allegorical Father/Son dialogue....

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