by John P. Meyer

I should have known something horrible was about to happen when, early on in The Wicker Man, Nic Cage (as policeman Edward Malus) splashed on a handful of Aqua Velva.

I should have known something horrible was about to happen when, early on in The Wicker Man, Nic Cage (as policeman Edward Malus) splashed on a handful of Aqua Velva. Nic, bud, get a grip! I'm thinking a slap of Ralph Lauren Chaps would be more appropriate for a motorcycle cop. Maybe even English Leather...

In any case, something horrible actually DID proceed to happen: the next 90 minutes of my life.

O.K., maybe "horrible" is overstating the case, because in truth my reaction to the film was more one of boredom than discomfort, but I consider boredom a fate worse than discomfort when I've plopped down hard-won greenbacks to spend two hours in a darkened theater among people who, in most cases, I'm glad not to know. (No offense.) So when a remake of a cult classic British horror flick makes its debut, and I find (97 minutes later) that there's been absolutely no reason to remake it, given that 1) this production does absolutely NOTHING to improve on the original and several things to UN-improve on it, and 2) there's a just-released widescreen DVD of the original film available for viewing in the privacy of one’s own home, all one can do is try to console oneself with a $6 bag of popcorn. Anything's worth a try.

There are a few redeeming features in this unambitious remake, including the performances of Nicolas Cage (though to a Nic Cage fan this would be considered no better than workmanlike), Ellen Burstyn (who quite successfully fills the evil villain shoes of the original character portrayed by Christopher Lee, if you can imagine) and the always captivating Molly Parker (though her screen time is, sadly, limited to a few minutes in a couple of scenes). The plot has been modified to lend a flavor of ongoing menace to a scenario that was limited to a single event in the original version. Oh yeah, and there's a crafty inside joke on the Edward Woodward name, done in homage (I presume) to the star of the original film. And that's about it for the plus side.

On the minus side, we're faced with spending an hour or so waiting for events to play out in exactly the fashion we know they're going to, and there are no surprises in store whatsoever - unless you consider the fact that there are no surprises to be surprising in itself. Basically, if you've seen the original film, you know precisely how this is going to end. And if you HAVEN'T seen the original, you will very quickly figure out approximately what's in store for our plucky, unlucky and really quite clueless cop hero, particularly if you're acquainted at all with the (*SPOILER ALERT!*) Burning Man Festival, going on this very weekend out in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.

Here's my major gripe with the current release: not only is it boring and derivative, it is also absolutely PRUDISH compared to the 1973 film, which generated a genuine frisson from the sexual tension produced in the straight-laced Victorian lead character as he is exposed to the paganistic sensuality of the island's culture. This element of the film is entirely absent, diminishing precipitously the impact of the outcome. In the place of a naked Britt Ekland (who played Sister Willow in the original film), we're presented with a fully-clothed Kate Beahan: a kind of puffy-lipped low-budget version of Angelina Jolie. And to top it off, every woman on the island wears nothing but sensible low-heeled shoes. AARGH!

The score, by long-time David Lynch collaborator Angelo Badalamenti, can best be described as mundane background symphonic. Where's the overt eeriness we heard in the Twin Peaks soundtrack? Disappointment reigns on all fronts, it seems.

MOST ENTERTAINING MOMENT IN THE FILM: a fed up and (at long last) pissed off Officer Malus grabs the handlebars from a recalcitrant Sister Rose, waves a gun in her face and tells her to "Step away from the bike!"

THE "DUH" FACTOR: "We're different here," Sister Willow explains to Officer Malus.

QUOTE FROM A CHARACTER IN THE FILM THAT MIGHT HAVE BEST BEEN DIRECTED AT THE FILM'S DIRECTOR, NEIL LABUTE: "You live here; you MUST know SOMETHING!"

This story was submitted by a member of the TexasGigs community.

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