by Todd Maternowski

Sorry, but "Secret Lovers" is not hockey music.

First, a shout-out to all three of my loyal readers (I swear I mailed the checks last week, I can't imagine how they haven't gotten to you yet). At any rate, last week we had fun, we loved, and we defined beyond a shadow of a doubt what a true mensch was. A quick mensch update will be forthcoming at the end of this column, forcing you to read the entire thing before getting to the good part (although for my German readers who googled "real man" --for whatever reason-- and came here, I put the update in bold). Today we'll be discussing a subject dear to every sports fans' heart: highly effective stadium music.

There's definitely direct correlation between a team's win-loss record and the choice of music their home arena chooses to play --and this becomes even more crucial during playoff-time. When the Stars were winning the Cup (as well as in the following year when they would've won the Cup had not Captain Laziness himself, Jason Arnott, scored an OT goal with a clearly illegal stick), the music was unquestionably designed for long-term hockey dominance: Metallica, Pantera, and local legend Reverend Horton Heat.

Pictured: Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, beloved by the Colorado Avs

These musics were intended to pump up already-frenzied crowds into stratospheric levels of hockey ectasy, and it worked brilliantly. There is a sacred bond between metal and hockey that absolutely should not be tampered with, lest the AAC's music director wants the same face-melting fate as the Nazi archaeologists in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And I seem to recall at least 3-5 Reverend song clips sprinkled intelligently throughout the breaks in the game -- any hockey fan see the wisdom in playing "J-I-M-B-O" before a faceoff, or "Wiggle Stick" after an enemy hooking call, or "The Devil's Chasing Me" after a Craig Ludwig breakaway goal. The results are in: one Cup, one near-Cup, and bragging rights over the other 26 or so cities that have not won a Cup in this decade (eat it, New York, Hartford and LA!).

But somewhere along the line the ill-advised music directors at the AAC lost sight of this. Replacing Metallica with Ricki Martin, ignoring Motorhead in favor of Jay-Z, and scrapping the Rev altogether immediately led to a year without any playoffs whatsoever, followed by a string of quick playoff exits. Thus it is that I am publicly postulating this Unfounded Theory: if the Stars do not play Slayer, Pantera and the Rev during the 2-4 home games they will enjoy in the first round, then by this time next week we'll be talking about yet another speedy trip to the golf courses for the hapless Stars. In fact, I will go one further, stating that a single ten-second clip of Slayer's "Reign in Blood" each game will ensure victory.

I'm not saying the Stars should use those massive speakers to blast Cannibal Corpse --although the on-ice results would be phenomenal-- but a little more respect for the ancient mythological bond between hockey and hyper-energetic music would go a long way towards ensuring playoff success.

On an allegedly non-hockey note, the MLB season has now begun, and it is time to award the most coveted trophy in baseball, The 2007 On-Pace Award. You see, in all of the real sports it is statistically impossible to determine a player's true value to his team. For example, there is probably no running back in the NFL more valuable to his team than that team's center, but the stats (and removable-brain sports announcers) say otherwise. Similarly, in hockey the Selke trophy is awarded to the best defensive forward in the game. Yet, every single year it's really given to the best defensive forward that has scored 20 or more goals, who, coincidentally, is rarely the best defensive forward in the league. And don't get me started on the stat-less dominance of vastly underrated NBA players like DJ Mbenga and Luc Longley: every true Bulls fan knows that the '96 Bulls would have been nothing had not lanky Luc Longley taken that team of over-the-hill greybeards on his back and willed them to 72 wins.

Actually, "Walking on Thin Ice" might not be a half-bad hockey fight song

But in baseball, since it's not really a team sport, statistics are 99% of the game, with the other 1% going towards "intangibles" (a.k.a. "blown calls by umpires"). Want to know if a certain player is "clutch"? Check out his OBP with a man on third and two outs. Want to see if a shortstop is a slick fielder? Measure his fielding percentage, combined with his range. Every aspect of the game is covered statistically: hence the extreme importance of the yearly On-Pace Awards. This year's award has to go to the Rangers' own Ian Kinsler, who is on pace for a monster season, hitting .748 with 110 home runs, which would shatter Roger Maris' seemingly unreachable 47-year old home run record. Sure, there are other players in the league with even better on pace stats, but what has made Kinsler's season so remarkable is that he did it for an 0-162 team.

Actually, now would be a perfect time to issue the 2006-07 NHL On-Pace Predictions. With less than three games remaining in the hockey season, these projections may seem a little wild and off the mark, but with years of intense statistical training I can say that all predictions will be within 10-20 goals of the actual result. For example, Mike Modano is on-pace for 22 goals and 23 assists, not too shabby. Mike Smith should win at least 12 games. And Stephan Robidas should finish the season with 0 goals on 145 shots.

Mensch Watch Last week's annointed mensch, Brendan Morrow, continued his on-ice alpha-stud ways last week with inspired efforts in every game. Trailing the Red Wings 3-0 with ten minutes left in the game, Morrow repeated his Ford-tough efforts in the Phoenix comeback by scoring a goal to make it 3-1 and sparking the Stars' amazing 4-3 comeback over the Old Wings. Morrow was at it again a night later, leading the charge against the Nashville Pre-Daters. Morrow did what he could against the Blues a few nights later, with a goal and an assist, but thanks to his pact with Ba'al, the Stars are not allowed to defeat Andy Murray-coached teams, and thus had no chance to win that game even before the puck was dropped. Fortunately, this year the Stars won't have to face the Blues in the playoffs, and, with a little luck and some great rockabilly blaring over twenty-foot loudspeakers, by next Thursday we should be looking ahead to round two of the Stanley Cup playoffs.