Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Why Mega-Trades Mega-Suck

by Todd Maternowski

Feliz manana para ti, tu amoricitas del la Liga de Hockey Nationial! Last week we learned of some pretty nasty scandals plaguing the other major sports, from Michael Vick's catapulting of puppies into molten lava to NBA referee Tim Donaghy's made-for-tv role as the 'Fredo' of officiating (Muscle-bound studmuffin Ed Hochuli would be Sonny, of course. No word yet on which referee is competent enough to stand in for Michael). This week, due to increased pressure from my imaginary editors, I was planning on writing an entire column in Spanish -- not the Spanish you learn in books, TV and Mexico, but the Spanish I learned in my mind from ordering my share of fiesta tacos over the years-- but recent news on the sporting front led me to greener, less stupifying pastures. Specifically, I'm talking about all those Mega-Trades that went down across the sports spectrum in the past week.

Frankly, with all the talk about how overpriced free agents can damage your team, I was a little surprised that very, very rich white men would make idiotic multi-million dollar mistakes --at least not without consulting me first. Alas, wisdom and common sense did not rule the day, and the rightfully-maligned Danny Ainge traded his team's entire future for an over-the-hill regular-season stat-hound that might, in the best of all possible worlds, give the Celtics 2-3 years of continually-declining play and continually-increasing heartache. As a bonus, he also traded a lottery pick in this year's draft for an aging, oft-injured 32-year-old that can't play defense anymore.

Not even 24 hours later, our very own Texas Rangers picked two teams' pockets on the trade deadline, dumping underperforming malcontent Mark Teixeira for basically the cream of Atlanta's minor league system, while simultaneously trading a one-year rental player for some of the Red Sox's best pitching talent. The Rangers, not surprisingly, have since gone 2-0 and are now on pace to finish the season at 101-59.

Ahhh.... general managers. Every time you see a mega-trade go down where one team trades the farm of young prospects for an aging veteran, which team always gets fleeced? Do general managers really lack that much sense? Are there not autographed, life-sized cut-outs of Herschel Walker in every GM's office in every major sport, just to prevent this sort of thing from happening again?

As a history buff, it never ceases to amaze how history continually repeats itself, despite the crying and wailing of the fans. For those GMs who are reading this who have not seen the obviously-not-mandatory training videos they force you to watch in your GM orientation, here's a quick run-down on some infamous mega-trades throughout sports history. These are not the type of mega-trades where one team trades three guys for four guys, or multiple-team trades, but trades in which one guy --usually a highly sought-after veteran-- is traded for a bunch of young prospects.

1989 - Dallas Cowboys trade Herschel Walker to the Vikings for picks -- Among those picks, Dallas selected such wanna-be's, has-beens and never-was's as Emmit Smith, Darren Woodson, Alvin Harper, Dixon Edwards and Russell Maryland. Minnesota got two and a half years of Walker, in which he topped 800 yards rushing once, before heading to Philly and -gulp!- Dallas. Historically, since they traded two NFL Hall of Famers and a host of indispensable role players for three Super Bowl teams --and the guy they traded for eventually found his way back-- this clearly ranks as the most lop-sided trade ever. Could the Garnett trade be the karmic balancing force for the long-suffering denizens of Minnesota? Wouldn't it be funny if Garnett played out his current contract in Boston, got them to 2 first-round playoff exits (his post-season specialty), before returning to the Timberwolves to finish his career? Yes. Yes it would be funny.

1992 - Quebec Nordiques trade Eric Lindros to the Flyers for picks, prospects and $15 million in cash -- The Nordiques (later the hated Avs) got quite a haul for the temperamental youngster: Peter Forsberg, Chris Simon, Ron Hextall, Mike Ricci, Steve Duchesne and used their 1st round pick on Jocelyn Thibault, whom they later traded for Patrick Roy. The Avs went on to win two Stanley Cups and eight division titles, while the Flyers have won jack squat. In all fairness to Philly, at least Lindros was still an unproven slam-dunk 19-year old prospect: Garnett is 31 years old.

1991 - Baltimore Orioles trade pitchers Curt Schilling, Pete Harnisch and outfielder Steve Finley to the Houston Astros for Glenn Davis -- Davis was way past his prime even then, played three injury-riddled seasons and hit a total of 24 home runs for the Orioles. Schilling had gone just 1-6 over parts of three seasons with the Orioles, and was considered expendable, as were Finley and Harnisch, who went on to have respectable careers with the Astros. Meanwhile, Glenn Davis and Mark Teixeira have absolutely nothing in common. Nothing.

1989 - Texas Rangers trade pitcher Wilson Alvarez, outfielder Sammy Sosa and infielder Scott Fletcher to the Chicago White Sox for Harold Baines -- While technically only Alvarez went on to a decent career with the Sox (thanks to a similar trade the Sox made with the Cubs, getting over-the-hill outfielder George Bell for Sosa), the trade is still cursed in the darkened hallways and dungeons of Arlington.

1971 - New York Mets trade pitchers Nolan Ryan, Don Rose, catcher Frank Estrada, and outfielder Leroy Stanton to the California Angels for shortstop Jim Fregosi -- Perhaps my favorite trade in the bunch, not because I like the Angels, but because as a kid I had a Topps baseball card of Fregosi when he was managing the Angels, and the picture just looked hilarious. The trade is pretty much a prime example of the danger of trading your entire prospect farm for a veteran to fill a temporary hole in your lineup. Fregosi, Garnett's age at the time, played just 146 games for the Mets over two years, hitting .232. Nolan Ryan fared slightly better.

With this in mind, I would personally like to send an invitation to Penguins' GM Ray Shero, who has impeccable taste in ties and terrific, minty breath, and offer the face of the franchise, Mike Modano, in exchange for Staal, Malkin, and the Penguins' next two first-round draft picks. Modano, after all, would be the final piece in the puzzle for the Stanley Cup-bound Penguins, and being in his mid-30s, is a shoe-in to provide veteran leadership and tons of goals. Hey, Shero, I'm serious -- call me.

If any of you readers can think of a one-for-many mega-trade that actually benefitted the team getting the one guy, please feel free to leave an angry comment challenging my intelligence, historical perspective and breeding! In the meantime, tune in next week when a drooling idiot in an expensive suit does something moronic that will cause immense pain for his team's fans!

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