Thursday, December 13, 2007

Pegasus’ Professional NFL Expert Picks - Week 15

By Todd Maternowski

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week: Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our prestigious panel of perfect prognosticators --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock-- will rip the future from our crystal balls and slam it on your tables each and every week.

As an added bonus, we have included a fifth column called "Mascot War", in which we discuss which team's actual mascot would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild.

Most of these picks need no explanation: however, our panel has provided some scholarly and learned commentary for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Chris: Bronco versus Texans -- The Broncos ride into Houston this week with playoff aspirations, but will they stomp their way over the great Texans of the past. First up, Sam Houston takes a stab. While it’s true that he lived with Indians and fought along side Andrew Jackson, Sammy was also known as quite the drinker which may leave him at a disadvantage. Next up, Texans Dan Rather and Walter Cronkite step up to the challenge. Although they’ve seen their share of hurricanes and battlefields, Cronkite couldn’t tame a horse alive, let alone dead and I’ve yet to see Dan-O wrestle a steer to the ground on HDNet. Our final Texan to take a stab at taming the Broncos of Denver is Ross Perot. But all the pie charts and money in the world won’t allow him to win this battle. Now I know you’re probably saying, “there are plenty of Texans out there who can beat a Bronco” and you may be right. However, in my world, this is the matchup. Bronco over Texan.

Justin: Cardinal versus Saint -- Here's a quick Latin lesson for my public school educated heathens. Saint is from sanctus meaning holy. Cardinal is from cardo meaning hinge. How is this relevant? Just so I can feel superior. Pulling from my memory of iconographic imagery, I can only think of two Saints who look like they could take Liu Kang or Goro in a one on one. First is Ignatius of Loyola, who did indeed open many a cask of whoop ass. Yeah I said "cask." Kegs didn't come around later meaning ol' Ignatius was getting sediment in his flagons of mead. Maybe that's why he was so pissed. But then he converted and although he did continue to "fight," his days of whole sale slaughter were pretty much over. The second image is of St. Paul, whose towering statue flanks the right side of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. He's holding a sword thats taller than Andre the Giant. And yes, he killed alot of people, but once again after conversion, not so much. Other than that, the Saints in general either look like Jabba (St. Thomas Aquinas) or like Christian Bale in The Machinist. A Cardinal on the other hand, is not necessarily weighed down by their "conversion" moment. Take Cardinal Richelieu, who consolidated France's power in the 17th century through subterfuge and warfare, but he also was essentially the general of armies of France in the Thirty Years War. I think he's the bad guy in the Three Musketeers too, but don't quote me on that. Go read something you lazy heathens! I think in any battle that takes place in the here and now the Cardinal is gonna get the proverbial wafer. But somehow I think Mother Teresa may have the last laugh. Cardinal over Saint.

Mike: Packer versus Ram -- When I think of the Green Bay Packer I envision an entire state of constipated cheese loving football fanatics that love to shout Go Pack Go while swilling brew and doing the drunken high five from two seats apart. The crazy thing is that there are Packers everywhere. So when the team loads up & heads out to Saint Louis there will probably be more Packers then there are Rams. Unfortunately the Ram's horns and stubbornness will be useless against a bunch of Packers wearing foam hats shaped like cheese. They can butt-heads (uhuhuhuh) all day and the pack will still be there swilling their beer and slinging cheese chanting Go Pack GO! Packer over Ram.

Todd: Lion versus Charger -- Ah, the classic battle of Fangs versus Electrocution, Man-Eater versus Egg-Beater, Cat-like Reflexes versus Lightning Strikes. Who among us can say we have not been looking forward to this battle each second of our entire lives? At first glance, you might think the Lion, with its razor-sharp claws, keen sense of smell and feline curiosity would present more than enough fur-flying death to the hapless Charger. But we must first ask ourselves, "What the hell is a Charger?" According to Chris, the original meaning of the name comes from a crowd of people shouting "Charge!!". While I can't think of anything quite so lame, other than the Toledo Twinkle Fairies, an entire crowd can get one going, filling one's lungs with bravery while they fill the air with their cries, and allowing the suddenly valiant Charger to prevail over the cowardly Lion. Charger over Lion.

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Comments

Justin Smith Staff

How is it that I spend 30 minutes writing how a Cardinal beats a Saint and yet Todd can just wash that away and have the Saint winning in a mascot war on the "Big Board?" Beautiful, Mr. Maternowski, beautiful.

8 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Mike Bullock Staff

Say it aint so.. uh?

8 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Todd Maternowski Staff

If you had the mad MS Paint $killz I had, you'd understand. Till then, Peace!

8 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Chris Curotolo Staff

I feel obligated to leave a comment at this time. However, since I am now tied for first, I'll let my picks speak for me...

8 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )