Friday, December 28, 2007

Pegasus’ Professional NFL Expert Picks - Week 17

By Todd Maternowski

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week: Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win 100% of the time. Our prestigious panel of perfect prognosticators --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock-- will rip the future from our crystal balls and slam it on your tables each and every week.

As an added bonus, we have included a fifth column called "Mascot War", in which we discuss which team's actual mascot would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild.

Most of these picks need no explanation: however, our panel has provided some scholarly and learned commentary for certain especially difficult-to-pick games. With just one week left in the regular season, the action has certainly heated up, as longtime Pegasus staffer Todd Maternowski leads our panel by an ever-so-slim margin.

Mike: Eagle versus Bill – There really should be no question as to who is going to be the winner this week. You would think a Bill could beat an Eagle with ease, right? Wrong! Bill, who is famous for his western style traveling circus, takes the show to Philadelphia. The Eagle, who is known for its sharp beaks and razor like talons, will not be amused by the crazy shenanigans the traveling freak show has to offer. It will be like plucking rats out of a field. The Eagle will chase the circus out of town by picking the eyeballs out the carnies one by one. Eagle over Bill.

Justin: Bengal versus Dolphin - Yes, one of the lamest things that I have done and am willing to cop to is being a spectator at the dullest of the dullest shows--Seaworld. I was ten, so I didn't really have a choice. I saw Shamu, walruses, and of course, Dolphins (tastes like human!). When a Dolphin breaches the surface, they are capable of shooting really high, like 25 feet in the air. But only if you promise to spoon feed 'em a fish afterwards. Lazy bastards. So I figure on jumping ability alone, the Dolphin is going to win. Then the diagram came on my TV this week and showed me the error of my ways. 20 feet in the air and 25 feet across! Just to get some food (taste like Dolphin!) that probably was just standing there, looking all succulent, just asking for it. And he finished it off with a dessert of two more. Holy Shite! Kitties may not like water, but Bengals don't surf! Bengal over Dolphin.

Todd: Cowboy versus Redskin - Ah, the classic battle of White Hat against Running Bear, High-Pitched Yodeling versus Deep-Throated War Chant, John Wayne versus Daniel Day-Lewis. In many ways this is the titanic final battle for the soul of the entire Western Hemisphere. But what, exactly, is a Redskin? This can't possibly describe the Native American, since their epidermis is hardly red. What, then, has red skin? There's only one inhabitant of North America that has red skin: naturally, I'm talking about Satan himself. And as we know from every Western ever made, when it comes to resisting the infernal temptations of the Father of Lies, no Cowboy can claim victory. Redskin over Cowboy.

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Comments

Brad LaRock Staff

Pick this...Cowboys lose their first playoff game. They aint no friggin championship team. Did you see the Giants last night? Did you watch the game today? There are so many teams that are so much better right now. Cowboys have Fighter Pilot Syndrome...pull up pull up!!!

9 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )