Sunday, December 30, 2007

Best of 2007: Local school stories

By Erin Rice

When looking back at the last year, one question kept cropping up: "WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!" There were tons of ridiculous school stories this year running the gamut from idiotic kids to moronic school districts. The following list details some of the common themes pervading our ISDs in 2007.

Cheerleading Advisory System

Cheerleaders:

While the crux of the McKinney cheerleader scandal took place in 2006, this year was not without its cheery scandals. From McKinney ball boycotts and questionable photos, to continued fuss over faulty tryouts at Carroll Senior high, to booze-happy cheerleaders in Allen, our spirit squads did their best to substantiate stereotyping.

Who's really having fun here?

We did anything we could this year to keep kids interested in school, but some of the ideas were kookier than others. Some of us dressed up as make-believe educational superheroes. Others realized that green eggs are only good in literature. The most desperate of us invited Chuck Norris over to kick some smarts into our kids, and remembered in the process that a good Chuck Norris joke is always funny.

Trash woes:

A couple lessons in trash from our schools: A) Shred important data before you try to recycle it. Even children's identities can be stolen. B) Don't be the boy (guy) who cried fetus.

Like parent, like child

Most of the big scandals surrounding teachers this year involved inappropriate teacher/student relationships. Those are not funny. When the crazy art teacher resigns after ordering a beating for the 31-year-old boyfriend of her 19-year-old daughter, it's hilarious. And sometimes, when the kid's an asshole, it's not that surprising.

Handley Middle School students sporting the latest fashion trend.

When kids are morons

Our children are the future, sure. Judging from some of these kids, the future seems pretty bleak.

When the districts are bigger morons

Can we really blame the kids when the people overseeing their education are just so ridiculous? Argyle made news this year when it threw a fit over dancing... huge fit. Then of course this headline says it all: Mansfield ISD denies a little girl her chance in the Special Olympics. What?!

What if God was principal?

This year God made a triumphant comeback in Texas when references to him were added to the state pledge, recited daily by DFW students. Of course, for those who couldn't wait for the new pledge to bring God to them, took their classes to God.

Fashion 101

Why do the least fashionable among us have the most power to decide fashion for our kids? This year schools were dress code crazy, from DISD uniforms, to confederate accessories in Burleson, Misfits in Garland, color coercion in Cedar Hill, and what not to shave in Granbury. P.S. If you wear a dress and don't want to be hassled, make sure you were born a girl.

"WON'T SOMEBODY FIX THAT HOLE?"

Don't paint me in your box, man

Some of the best school stories are the completely random ones. How about the crack job the S-T did in discovering the 15 sets of twins at Hatfield Elementary? Then there's the one where Lancaster students are finally doing their summer homework? Maybe you are outraged by the serial stall-hider found in a Grapevine school. If so, then nothing should outrage you more than the huge hole under the Keller High sidewalk. I mean, it's seriously gigantic. The horror.

MySpace ≠ your diary

Our kids discovered MySpace a long time ago. Seems the rest of us discovered it as a way to bust them this year. A Mesquite teen was arrested after setting up a prank page and a Plano Senior baseball player was kicked off the team for his MySpace foibles. The districts made their feeble attempts to teach parents and teens about their spaces. But they didn't offer the best tip: If you haze kids, don't post pictures about it online. You might get caught.

This would be the point where one says, "I give up."

How do you spell TAKS?

One of many heated conversations on the site this year had to do with TAKS testing, and why not? Districts offer kids tips on how to do better and so many still fail. There are some improvements here and there, but of course, that could be because they are cheating. But in the end, the most distressing thing would have to be this story, when one girl drives the nail right in the TAKS coffin.

See more stories in:

• Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?
• Schools

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