My own personal Two-Points crime story and Pegasus News’ inaugural short fiction contest

by Mike Orren

Help me figure out this mess and win tickets to Savor Dallas.

Photo by April Powell

The offending garments

WHITE ROCK HILLS — So April came home today to tend to the livestock and while in our backyard found some strange evidence of trespassing (at least). At the back corner of our yard she found a pair of Pepe jeans in a size well smaller than mine that looked as if they had been hastily removed -- So hastily, in fact, that one shoe remained attached to the left leg.

Those who want to quibble might say that the misplaced items might have been thrown over the fence. Suffice it to say that such a scenario is unlikely at best, but if you want to learn more about the layout of our property and make your own suppositions, knock yourself out.

Now my inquisitive bride was creeped out enough by this that she couldn't help but try to learn more by examining the flotsam closely. By the time she was done, the inventory included:

One (1) pair Pepe jeans, mens European size 40, with dry cleaning label intact on front left belt loop
One (1) leather belt, black, double-pronged buckle
One (1) black sneaker, generic brand, no size tag
One (1) cigarette lighter
One (1) tube of Carmex
One (1) court summons, dated January, addressed to a woman on Dilido Road, based on a lawsuit from her landlord.
One (1) color brochure, proselytizing on behalf of one Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior
One (1) Crown Royal bag containing one (1) Magnum condom
Two (2) Magnum condoms, loose
One (1) raffle ticket
$101.05, including a c-note folded up in the watch pocket, a dollar bill and a nickel

Photo by April Powell

Strange cables in the hood.

To thicken the plot, there was an (electric?) cable strung through the trees, ending in a pile of cable on the other side of our fence (near the illicit jeans) and strung haphazardly through the trees across the creek and apparently leading nowhere. (Going to inspect this tomorrow).

So, gentle readers, I ask you exactly what kind of jackanapes went down in our back yard? We didn't call the cops, because there isn't much to report beyond jeans in our yard.

But that's where the contest comes in:

Using only the facts above, construct a plausible story for what happened here that a.) is printable and b.) doesn't end in our bloody murder. Post that story in the comments below (registration required), and the best entry (in the sole judgment of the PN staff) will win two (2) tickets to the following Savor Dallas events: the wine stroll, all seminars and the Grand Tasting (roughly a $600 value). Employees of Pegasus News and its worldwide affiliates not eligible. Must be 21+ and not the perpetrator of the crime to be eligible.

Staff
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Anonymous

Tracy Yost, says:

what's the deadline ?

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2 years, 9 months ago
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Mike Orren, says:

Let's say a week from tomorrow -- Wednesday March 7th. High noon.

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2 years, 9 months ago
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webra, says:

Dear Joe,

I’ve been laying awake all night thinking of you, your carmex-coverd lips, and our tryst in that completely random backyard you discovered. I cant forget our meeting in the back corner of the yard and how my heart raced when I first saw you. The electric blanket you brought to shield me from the cold was so thoughtful; I'm still amazed that you strung your own electrical cable to power it!

I know we can’t meet at my place anymore since I’ve been evicted, so I really treasure the effort you’ve made to sneak out of your house away from your wife and children to meet me.

I also appreciate your offer of $101.05 to help me buy some new outfits for work. Those g-strings and 7 inch heals never last as long as I’d like! And remember, if you win that raffle, you get free VIP access for a year! Those free Magnum condoms I get from work and that Crown Royal bag that the bartender gave me has really come in handy!

I cherished every moment we were together and was so depressed when your wife found us. I couldn’t believe it when she threw that color brochure, proselytizing on behalf of one Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior at us. Boy, she sure was pissed. I can’t believe she tried to light my hair on fire with a cigarette lighter! Her timing couldn’t have been worse, huh? I can’t believe she just yanked you out of there by your hair and didn’t even let you finish pulling up your pants. And I know I didn’t believe you before when you told me, but I see now that she probably could be recruited as a linebacker for the Cowboys.

I hope none of this will affect our relationship. I can't wait to be with you again. Write soon and let me know which backyard is next.

Yours, Candii