The pitch

After careful review of your credit history, we are delighted to offer you the outstanding opportunity to purchase a quality used vehicle and re-establish your bruised credit after divorce and bankruptcy. All of us here at Risk All Motors know exactly how you feel as we've all been through both, some of us several times. We are proud of the tight relationships we foster with customers, folks with so few good options, just like you.

Let me fill you in on how, I mean where, we can take you. With a qualified co-signor, preferably a family member with very deep pockets, and a cash deposit in the amount of $4500, delivered to us in a plain duffle bag in small, unmarked bills, we generously offer you 35% interest on your loan. At least for as long as you can manage to make the payments on your independent contractor income. AND if you agree to set it up as an automatic bank draft, we?ll give you FOR FREE a cleaned toaster oven, a never used electric toothbrush and a heavy duty rubber bath mat embossed with our slogan, "Down the Drain with Risk-All Motors." Isn't that fabulous? Refer a friend to us and we'll give you both a Chia Pet Skunk and a genuine re-conditioned lava lamp from 1966. Such a deal!

Now to you and your future pre-owned vehicle. You asked about its Kelly Blue Book value. We didn't realize you were friends with Kelly from our service department, so I'm sad to tell you we had to let him go -- for, well, reasons I can't discuss. We just can?t have our personnel bothering customers, pestering them with silly books on the job. Unfortunately, Kelly and his blue or yellow or red or whatever color book he showed you, is no longer our friend and valued employee.

The value of your vehicle? You know beauty and value are largely in the eye of the beholder. One person's silk purse?! The honest truth is that our rock bottom price of $13,995 on your 1999 Hatchback with 125,000 miles, or close to it, is a real steal, and I mean grand theft. Just ask Vinnie, our Financial Consultant from New Jersey. Did I mention the car's like a pre-hybrid? The body's a Mazda, mostly, and the front seats that almost match came from a 2005 Kia. The bench seat in the back is pure vintage Opel, fresh from the 1980's. It's very unique! I know you'll love it.

Don't worry about driving it until we finish all the paperwork. It rides just like Vinnie's classic black 2006 Escalade we borrowed to test drive on the freeway, except not when it's on the freeway, or any other major road. Did I mention it's a one-owner car? Yeah, it got towed here last week from Southern California; Rent-a-Wreck had used it at LAX since Y2K. One owner.

Now, the car IS midnight blue, and I know you're concerned about being visible at night to avoid wrecks. Don't worry. I consulted with our head mechanic Jorge. He came up with a special gimmick he'd heard about while vacationing last month in Mexico. He customized a plastic beverage holder for you to hang over your driver's side windowsill at night. A big flashlight fits in the holder. I checked with our sales manager and we'll provide you with some good used batteries for the flashlight. When other vehicles approach, you flip on the flashlight and wave it in the drivers' faces, and they can't miss you. Jorge's a true genius.

You asked about airbags. Jorge came through again. Airbags don't work very well after they've been deployed in a wreck, and we don't want you or any other valued customer to worry needlessly. Jorge brought back a whole truckload of beach balls, along with a passel of his Mexican cousins, or friends maybe, to work in our service department, To solve the airbag problem, Jorge suspended a bungee cord from where the interior dome light would be if your car had one and hung a partly inflated beach ball, in colors that don't clash too much with the seat colors, from the cord. If you, or a passenger, see a vehicle about to hit you, just grab the beach ball, or maybe both of you can duck behind it. Jorge says he?s seen it work really well in Mexico, and replacing beach balls is quite inexpensive. You can see how Risk All Motors really pays attention to the fine details of making a fine used car ready for our customer.

This vehicle also features what we call our "Theft Deterrent Program." It comes with three perfectly good tires, checked out thoroughly over several months by our sales manager's teen-aged son; now that he's out of County Juvenile Hall and in re-hab, he's part of our Youth Mentoring program and a member of tomorrow's Risk All Motors sales force. The best part of the "Theft Deterrent Program": the car's fourth tire is a special smaller tire we buy in bulk from a very trustworthy Chinese manufacturer. It?s never been mounted on a wheel before, or at least not in the US, or on your car. No thief looking for a fast getaway car will give your vehicle a second look with this tire mounted on it, even if you leave the keys in it. Fantastic, huh? We recommend you place a clearly marked donation jar on your dashboard. Passersby at your local WalMart or Food Pantry may drop in some spare change, and that will help with your gas expenditures.

We've sketched out your cash flow possibilities with our Financial Advisor Vinnie, and he believes your $575 monthly payment fits you like a classy black leather glove. He?' meet you today to explain the fine print details, but he's busy on out back lot working over, I mean working with, another valued new customer who needed some hands-on clarification of our financial terms. Vinnie explains himself so clearly. He'll be thrilled to discuss your situation in private after your contract is signed.

Speaking of contracts, sign here now. As soon as you return with the duffle bag filled with the cash down-payment in small unmarked bills, I'll get you a clean set of keys and a map that will direct you to the lot in a neighboring county where I think you?ll find your new car. Thanks for shopping with us at Risk All Motors. It's been a real pleasure giving you the business.