Thursday, November 1, 2007

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Manny Doesn’t Give a Flying Puck

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we learned, we lived, we loved, we discussed the merits of Mike Modano and why he is --potentially-- worth a roster spot somewhere on the fourth line. As if by magic, not long after my column came out Head Coach Extraordinaire Dave Tippett demoted Modano to the fourth line, where, of course, Modano's game improved dramatically, at least for two whole games, before the energy drained away like so much arterial blood in the shower in the game against the Blackhawks. Ah well! More on that later.

I was going to spend this week's column in a dreamy, Peter King-esque haze in which quarterbacks throw too many intentional groundings these days, cats just aren't as siamese as they used to be and my latte-created stool sings steaming Willie Nelson covers in super-clean airport bathrooms. But then something monumental happened in the world of sports, and, for some inexplicable reason, no one is talking about it! Of course you know I'm talking about the World Series: now I know the World Series is, technically, the arch-enemy of hockey: boring, stuffy, and snore-inducing pseudo-athletes standing straight up without a single player using his bat to illegally cross-check the hitter in the back of his neck just doesn't sound like a "sport" to me, either. (This week's Cr-azy Columnist Confession: before 1994, baseball was my favorite sport, but that was before I knew that hockey players skated without the assistance of a chair.)

Manny Ramirezes have tried...

Despite this, for the first time in about two decades I actually occasionally checked the baseball score for the World Series every morning to see who won the previous night's contest --because something earth-shattering was taking place. I'm not talking about the Red Sox winning again, because, frankly, they totally suck and so does all of baseball. But down 3-1 to Cleveland in the ALCS, Boston outfielder Manny Ramirez made the sportstalk world shake and quiver with rage with a statement --namely, "Who Cares?"-- and ever since then, Boston won seven straight games, blowing through their once-unstoppable opponents like an armada of flying chainsaws.

At the time, Manny's statement seemed like the end of the sportstalk world as we knew it, and for good reason: in the arcane, hidden tomes of the Apocrypha, it is written, "And so sayeth the LORD, that wheneth one single athlete doth speaketh the forbidden words, and doth profess to care not about victory, and to care not about shame, and to care not about the endeavour, then, too, shall there be a rain of crocodiles over the land, and the rivers will turn to scarabs, and the first-born of every family will lay down with the lambs, and know them." Well-informed sportstalkers and sportswriters rightfully admonished Manny for getting the ball rolling on this whole horrifying apocolypse thing (and as a first-born myself, I went far out of my way to avoid lamb farms), and it seemed as if the only rational course of action was to drop whatever you were holding, crouch down, grab your ankles and kiss your soon-to-be-disintegrated-ass goodbye.

Or, at least, that was what was supposed to happen. What actually transpired was this: seven straight wins for the Red Sox, some of them blowouts, and an easy World Series win. While some scholars may argue that the Indians and Rockies were too busy bending over and frenching their cabooses to beat the Sox, I see the results as a cataclysmic event for the Sports Kingdom. Can athletes really say that they don't care about winning each and every game they ever play: and get away with it??

As a Stars fan, I've become accustomed to the Amazing Formula: the Stars' athletes skate around tirelessly, doing hard work in the corners, fighting the good fight, and either winning via tough,ugly goals, or losing because the other team's talent was overpowering ours. The Stars, with their knees-bent, running-around routine, have spent the last decade dominating the regular seasons of the NHL --but could there be another way? Could the Stars, theoretically, stop giving a flying puck, remove the sticks that have been shoved up their collective tuckus and start playing free and loose, the 'Manny Way'?

I think they can. In fact, I'll go one further: I predict that if the Stars, who are currently a 5-7 team, the Buffalo Bills of Hockey, drop this "let's try not to lose" loser mentality and instead play like they are capable of playing, driving the net without abandon and daring the other team to beat Turco --if the Stars play aggressive, fun hockey, and stop caring so much about wins and losses, the Stars will go 70-0-0 for the rest of the season. You heard it here first.

Some may say that this is a sucker's bet, it'll never happen in a million years since Tippett seems to be more concerned with keeping his team's GAA down than actually winning hockey games. To this I say: in a million years, Tippett will not be head coach of the Stars.

The Zubov family's actual coat of arms

In other news, the NHL's official mouthpiece has finally noticed the incredible career of Sergei Zubov. The article posits the question, "Is Zubov Hall of Fame worthy?" An even better question would be, "Hey, Rangers and Penguins, how have things been treating you since you traded Zubov?" Zubov does far, far more than get the occasional powerplay assist or Stanley Cup. Zubov does millions of little things that make him, unquestionably, one of the most influential players on the ice, night in and night out.

Some Stars fans get frustrated with our power play, and blame Zubov's lack of shooting: of course, in those rare games when Zubov is somehow not playing (remaining injury-free for most of his career is another incredible accomplishment for an NHL defenseman), our power play goes from slightly-above average to absolutely unwatchable. And don't even mention our penalty kill, as we all saw that shameless debacle in Game 7 against Vancouver last year.

Fact is, after trading Zubov, the Rangers and Penguins immediately dropped into Inconsequential Pool of Annual Suckage, while the Stars, on the other hand, have spent the last decade winning division titles, President's Trophies and the occasional Stanley Cup. Is that because of Modano? Hatcher? Churla? Hogue?

No. It is the result of having Sergei Zubov on the ice, game after game. And if 14 years of team success, two Cups and a Gold Medal aren't HOF-worthy, what is? More on this five years after he decides to retire, during which the Stars will likely suffer the same fate as the 1990s Rangers and Penguins, making Zubov's contributions all the more obvious.

That's it for this week's incoherent, insane sports-related rants. Tune in next week when I document the vicious mauling I get after unveiling my twenty-foot "WHO CARES?" banner in the rafters of the AAC!

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Comments

James Scott Verified

Would you please give it up on Yashin already? That has to be the most ridiculous obsession I've ever heard of.

Please Todd, don't get me thinking about life without Zubov. I mean, I love Modano, and I know he's the face of the franchise, and I know it will be a sad day when he moves on (even accepting his failed look to the heavens every time he misses a grand scoring opportunity while the other team is taking the puck to the other end). But Zubov...I believe you are correct in saying there will be an extensive rebuilding process when he's gone.

Perhaps the bright side is, the Stars can no longer fall back on the excuse of "we're a defensive team" and finally figure out how to score a few more goals a game? Maybe the D can run on fumes long enough while the scorers start showing up to do a little damage in the post-season?

I guess it never hurts to dream.

10 months, 1 week ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Todd Maternowski Staff

The one bright side about inevitably losing Zubov is that the Stars are stacked with young d-men waiting in the wings for their chance. Niskanen has been amazing, esp. for a 20-year old. Grossman was outstanding last year, and guys like Fistric and Vishnevskiy should also make the team within the next two years, tops. Vish is a little like Zubov, just without the goal-silencing defense.

I think the Stars' primary problem is their on-again, off-again aggresiveness. When they crash the net they are easily one of the most dominant teams in the NHL. Then, inexplicably, they back off, circle-skate around and give up late-game goals...like clockwork. Without a change in mentality, this could be 2002 all over again.

10 months, 1 week ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )