Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Stuff to be Thankful For

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the Thanksgiving morning, hockey fans! Last week we laughed, we loved, we lurched and ultimately looked closely at departed GM Doug Armstrong's record in Dallas, and decided, without fear of contradiction, that the guy got royally hosed. Of course, since Army was unceremoniously dumped like so many cold leftover Domino's on a bright and early Thanksgiving morning, the Stars are an impressive 3-0-1, outscoring their opponents 11-2 in their last three games. Coincidence?.... or were those rumors about Armstrong's culture of "bad vibes" right on the $$$? Only time, and probably one or two more games, will tell.

I was going to dedicate this week's column to the planning, preparation and personalities behind my most massive undertaking yet, my Todd Fedoruk Tribute Night --for some reason, despite my mad voicemail skillz, I wasn't able to get any of the guys who'd kicked his ass in a fight to show up for the trophy presentation-- but in honor of today's turkey-related festivities, have opted to go the third-grade route and write an essay entitled "What I Am Thankful For." (Additional benefit: all two dozen of you readers have full written consent of the author (moi) for your own use when giving thanks at your respective turkey dinners. Except for you vegetarians - meatless heathens can go find your own stuff to be thankful for. And you cannibals, too, although I'll make an exception if you're gnawing off your own legs in order to get out of some uncomfortable family conversations.) So without further ado, here is my 2007 list of Things I'm Thankful For!

#1: The Stars' recent resurgence -- I know it's just four games, and really not even four games but 3.67 games, but I haven't seen the Stars play this well in years. 60-minute efforts? Puck-moving defense? Cycling in the offensive zone? Scoring!!?! Check out the Western Conference standings this morning: only the Red Wings have scored more goals than the Stars this season. Even weirder: the Stars' power play is third in the league at an astonishing 24.7% (which is good, considering only two teams in the NHL get fewer calls than the Stars). Penalty kill? 6th in the league. 3rd in short-handed goals. 2nd in the league in shooting percentage at 11.5%.

Of course, none of this matters if your defense can't stop a beachball from going in. There have been several games where Turco and Smith played brilliantly, but a disturbing number where they played poorly, or were left out to dry by their defense. If the last four games are any indication, however, the days where, as the great Darryl Reaugh says, our goalies could "stop a beebee with a car antenna" are soon to follow. More on that later.

#2: Nice Indians -- When our current overlords' ancestors were too incompetent to find their own food and shelter in this land, the local Indians helped 'em out, showing them the ancient and mystical ways of stuffing and unthawing turkeys, and thus keeping them alive when Exploratory Darwinism said otherwise. The result? Those pilgrims later became our nation's rulers, landowners, and titans of industry; those Indians got shot in the back of the neck, exposed to blankets covered in smallpox, and, worst of all, were forced to move to Oklahoma. By the time my ancestors showed up, the only work left was in the coal mines and railroad yards. Ideally, the Indians should've scalped those pilgrims, and been nice to my ancestors two hundred years later. But no! --you had to be nice to the dicks! Thanks, Indians!

#3: The last two movies I paid full price for did not suck -- After prices went up to $9.50, and student discounts were disallowed, I vowed never to see a movie for full price again, other than Transformers, which as a grown man with the mind of a 10-year old, I was contractually-obligated to go see. Then I gave in a few times... saw some ok movies... and then paid full price to see The Ten, starring a bunch of people that now probably want that movie erased, and the ground salted where it once lay. With that pisspoor taste in my mouth, I've been once again wary of seeing first-run movies of any type. But, thankfully, both No Country for Old Men and Beowulf were everything I needed them to be, and much more. Thanks, Hollywood!

#4: The Esteemed Lady Ms. Parcells is no longer head coach of the Dallas Cowboys -- Say what you will about his Superbowls and pedigree (oh, wait, you mean he's never won a single playoff game without Bill Belicheck as his assistant coach? What's that? Really? And you mean to say that in 19 years of coaching, his teams have completely missed the playoffs in 9 of them? Really? Golly!), but the guy is a total squish. From the all-seeing, all-knowing vantage point of my couch, it looked like he deliberately tanked those last four games of the season last year, and continually put his team in a position to lose in that playoff game versus Seattle. Dare I say he was trying to lose so he wouldn't have to coach anymore? Parcells made his big $$$, played all Cowboys fans/owners for fools, and left for the comfort and lack of responsibility of the analyst's booth. Coward! I'd challenge him to a fight if he weren't such a craven commie. The guy couldn't handle Romo being the Big Show and decided to tank the season and his QB to sate his massive ego. What a turkey.

#5: Gary Bettman is not running my personal life -- I thank my lucky stars every day for this one.

Well, that's it for this Extra-Special Pre-Thanksgiving Edition of the Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I drowsily waken from my turkey-induced stupor to sluggishly wipe the week-old cranberry juice encrusted on my keyboard.