Thursday, October 4, 2007

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 0-82-0 in ‘08

By Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we posited some excellent ideas for improving the goal songs, and I was going to dedicate this week's Cupcheck to providing you, the fans, with a comprehensive list of Yo' Goalie jokes for Stars fans to lob at Petr Budaj--but a couple of newsworthy events happened in the world of the Stars.

First, the Stars lost! And unlike a normal NHL team, which loses games all the time, the Stars season opener speaks volumes about their sucktacular unworthiness over the next hockey decade, so much in fact that I must now slightly revise my preseason prediction of an 82-0-0 season to a more realistic 0-82-0. Once the other teams in the league study film of this game, they will discover the secret blueprint on How to Beat the Stars. What is that mysterious, arcane formula for unpreventable victory, you may ask?

The Stars' new road uniforms didn't exactly exude toughness

1.Have one of your speedy young guys score a hat trick by mid-second period: Expect to see this time-honored tactic every night from now on.

2.Rely on the tandem of Turco and Zubov to look more like Conklin and Ozolinsh: Can the Stars put these two on waivers fast enough after last night?

3.Don't score your allotted four goals too early, because that merely angers the Stars and makes them "try to win" that much earlier: Much better to wait until the late second to go up by 3.

To be fair, from the very beginning of the game until there were ten minutes left, the Stars were obviously in P.P.F. (Prime Playoff Form) --lethargic, losing all puck battles, missing wide open shots and having all their real offense provided by the checking line. The Modano line, like clockwork, was completely schooled, which is surprising considering the vast amount of passion and fire Modano gives on the ice. Turco was the lone player not in P.P.F., unless you count the P.P.F. of all playoff series before last years' series against the Canucks. At least two of the goals were soft, helped out by the turnstile method of defense so popular among Stars defensemen when playing the Avs.

Zubov, in particular, had what had to be one of his worst games in years. Besides being on-ice for all four Avs goals --and by on-ice, I am of course referring to the way in which all four goals were scored by players Zubov was supposed to be covering-- he also seemed distracted all game, unable to complete the typically Zubovian passes that have been his trademark, and, even more strangely, seemed incapable of the no-talent-required act of dumping the puck in for his guys to chase it (which directly led to the third goal when Sergei's line-changing attempt utterly failed). Oh, and of course he completely whiffed on a point-blank shot in the third. For all of you who claim that plus-minus is an irrelevant statistic, Zubov was -4 last night. A defenseman having his worst game in years, and also ending the game at -4? Mere coincidence!

Beating Zubov has long been the key to beating the Stars --did the Avs slip something in Sergei's morning borscht at the hotel? If the Stars' top players play like utter crap, and we only lose by one goal, then Dallas is in better shape than I previously thought. In fact, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that Sergei and Turco will not have games this crappy every single night. New revised prediction for the 2007-08 season: 81-1-0.

Amidst the carnage, there were some positives in last night's game. The special teams look really, really good. The powerplay went 2-for-3 and even the one they technically didn't score on (in the second) was aggressive and full of malicious intent, and directly resulted in the Stars' first goal just seconds after it expired. So really the powerplay went 2.8-for-3 on the night. And the penalty kill was almost as impressive, stuffing the normally-frightening Avs special teamers on both their attempts (helped out by plenty of dumb luck on that third period kill, of course). More importantly, that second penalty kill gave the Stars the momentum they needed to mount their last-second comeback, which, despite the loss, made the game extremely entertaining for 4-5 minutes.

Five years ago Dave Tippett was a powerplay genius with the Turner Cup-winning Houston Aeros, and was hired by the Stars to bring that offensive whiz-bang to a pathetic Dallas unit. Are we starting to see this team --slowly-- resemble the Aeros? Scoring on 66% of your power plays will get you plenty of wins in this league. Had the refs called more cheap penalties, the Stars might be up 1-0 on the season.

Also, some of the young guys looked pretty impressive. Winchester, in his first game as a Dallas Star, only needed about 4 shifts to start to impress me. In a game where most of the Stars' veterans were mailing it in from the opening seconds, Winchester was finishing his checks, attempting to take the puck to the net and even got some powerplay time as the unit's Holmstrom-esque net-goon. Aren't those the things we were expecting from Lindros last year? As disappointed as I was when we acquired him --"what the hell are the Stars doing picking up another worthless goon?" (me, three months ago or so)-- I can easily see Winchester filling the long-vacated role of Scott Thornton, a tough bruiser that provides muscle and skill in front of the net, as well as the occasional fight. Look for Winchester to become a fan favorite in Texas, especially with a name like that.

The Suckage King of Chicago is no more

Future Stars blueliner Matt Niskanen also had a solid game. Granted, nothing spectacular happened with him, and for most of the night he was completely invisible. However, since he is a defenseman, not having your name mentioned is a good thing: in 15+ minutes of ice time, Niskanen was hardly noticeable, silently but efficiently taking care of business. He had a couple of obvious gaffes that Turco had to make up for, but other than that, not too shabby for your first game. We may not have young guys who can score hat tricks (and the toothy Stastny almost completed the Pants Trick in the third, but Turco stoned 'im), but guys like Niskanen (and, hopefully, Grossman and Fistric) are absolutely essential to the Stars' continuing their hockey success.

Final word on the Stars: the new white uniforms look like crap. The loss is directly attributable to them.

In other news, Chicago's most hated sports owner, "Dollar" Bill Wirtz, died last week. While deaths are obviously tragic events, Blackhawk fans throughout Chicago did not take the news so well: many are masking their sadness with elated hoots, insults directed at the recently-deceased, and a seemingly out-of-nowhere sense of extreme optimism and joy. I hope the Blackhawks' first home game is televised on Versus: many Chicagoans have posited that the inevitable moment of silence for Wirtz' passing will likely be followed by a rousing standing ovation. If that does happen, it would pretty much put a cap on the last 40 years of Blackhawk history. Could a string of 82-0-0 seasons be far behind?

Well, that's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I provide pictures of the moose I sacrificed on my Altar to the Hockey Gods in payment for their timely punishment of the Nashville Little Bitchez.

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