Thursday, September 20, 2007

Pegasus’ Professional NFL Expert Picks - Week 3

By Todd Maternowski

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week: Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win. Our panel of perfect prognosticators --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Todd Maternowski and newcomer Mike Bullock-- will bring the pain each and every week.

As an added bonus, we have included a fifth column called "Mascot War", in which we discuss which team's actual moniker would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild. Besides being easily the most controversial aspect of this feature, it will probably also be a constant source of embarrassment as our picks are routinely shown up.

The graphics just keep getting better!

Hey, the football season is a marathon, not a sprint... just lay off

Most of these games need no introduction: however, our panel has provided some commentary (footnotes and indexing to follow) for certain especially difficult-to-pick games.

Justin: 49ers versus Steelers -- One of the few mascot wars that pitch the same species against one another. Hand to hand. Grit for Grit. Man on Man. Wait, what? Well, it is San Francisco. The 49ers are the settlers who came from all over the world in search for gold during the California Gold Rush. The Steelers are guys from Pittsburgh who make I-beams. You know, the ones that hold together our freeways, skyscrapers, railroads, hell, just about everything around us uses steel in one way or another. A 49er's weapon of choice is a pickaxe and my Player's Handbook says it does 1d6 worth of damage and has a critical of x4. Thats right, x4! But the Steeler is carrying an acetylene torch, which if I recall from seventh grade metal shop, could melt your FACE off in two seconds. Eat that Gary Gygax! Steelers over 49ers.

Mike: Colts versus Texans -- This week's rodeo between the Colts and Texans is going to be just that, a rodeo. The Colts are riding in on their trailer expecting to buck the Texans off of their backs like flies on their hind quarters. Meanwhile back at the ranch, the tough leather neck Texans are heating up the campfire for a good old fashion branding session. This week the Texans hold down the Colts and send them home with a new tattoo that would even make the Marlboro man proud.

Chris: Patriots versus Bills -- This week we finally get to see what would have happened if a Buffalo wrangler met a revolutionary war hero. Anyone? Anyone? Well, okay, maybe I’m the only one who’s curious whether or not George Washington could beat Buffalo Bill in a street fight. I’d like to give the advantage to Bill, but I have to assume that Washington will have some of his minions videotaping…uh…spying on Bill’s gang across the sideline….uh…Potomac. As much as I’d like to see Bill on the dollar, I’ll have to go with the Patriots. If that’s not enough, consider George’s mom, Mary Ball Washington. Look it up. If your mother’s maiden name is ‘Ball” you can’t lose. Patriots over Bills.

Todd: Browns versus Raiders -- Normally pirates kill everything. But can they kill a Brown? I guess we must first define a "Brown"-- is it an abstract concept, therefore virtually unkillable? A determined Raider could easily wipe the notion of Brown form our culture if he so chose. Does it describe something that is Brown, like a Bear, Moose, or Turd? For this week's pitched battle to the death, I'm going to have to refer to the infinite wisdom of Talk Like a Pirate Day, and assume that "Brown" is a slurred version of brine -- an added bonus, when we consider the brownish-red color of the sea when caked with the blood of uppity pirates. Ay, brine over Raiders.

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Comments

Justin Smith Staff

My rhesus monkey, Hoju, picked better than me last week. Yea, Hoju!

1 year ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )