Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Why the Flyers Will Win the Cup

by Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we discussed the immediate future of the Western Conference, after touching on the garbage pile of an Eastern Conference the week before. This week, I sat down with Don Cherry and had a very frank and surprising discussion on the existence, purpose and sacrificial requirements of the Hockey Gods -- which I was going to post here, but after the past two columns, I was deluged with emails, snail mails, and dead rodents nailed to my doorstep with feces-soaked notes tied tightly around their necks. Apparently, I touched a few East Coast nerves with my portrayals of East Coast teams and their knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans. So I dipped into the mailbox and came out with these gems, and hope to start a productive one-way dialogue with these tender souls.

Hey, Todd, great column. In fact, it was more than great: your column is the bee's knees, baby!! As a typical lifelong Flyers fan, I always approach criticism of my team from a position of love and understanding, and thoroughly enjoyed your satirical take on my lifeblood and my on-ice love. I just wish I could write with such informative clarity and hockey wisdom as you. I know you mostly talk about the Stars, but could you occasionally throw in a friendly jab at my Flyers? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks! -- Joey "Shoulders" Baflancowicz, Philadelphia

Thanks, Joey, I'll do what I can to appease my Flyers fanbase. With all the losing they're going to be doing this year, it should make my job 1,000 times easier!

Hey idiot. IDIOT. You need to stay away from hockey. Stick to the cow in your yard. You are an idiot. No one reads your colum. You mispelled East. It's Eastern not Leastern. YOU MAKE NO SENSE R-TARD. Idiot. shut up. You need to shut up. Also, I like to pour steaming buckets of moose feces on my lap because of the uncontrollable orgasms I get when big trucks honk at me while I'm standing naked on the corner. Why do I smell so bad? R-tard. -- Popeye the Sailer, Philly

Thanks for reading my column, Popeye! I'm glad we could get both voices of the Flyer fanbase out there in the open. You might want to pull up those pants in public, son! Thanks again for all the kind words, and thankfully we're done with the Flyers fans. Now--

How could you possibly pick the Flyers to lose?!!? HELLO!! We not only signed Daniel Briere, we signed Kimmo Timmonen too! OBVIOUSLY WE WILL WIN THE CUP. All we needed was a scoring center and a puck-moving defenseman and we would've put up 120 points last year. And once we cut Briere and Timmonen to make salary cap space to sign Forsberg with 15 games left, the Flyers will rule!! GET A BRAIN, MORAN! --Bobby Manbuff, Philadelphia

Hi Bobby, of course I've fully aware that the Flyers will dominate the NHL this year. I mean, what self-respecting hockey fan could not look at their impressive 1-9 finish last year, their dead last finish in the overall NHL standings, and the fact that they paid a lot of money for a small number of free agents? As far as sports is concerned, $$$=championships. Who cares that Daniel Briere's 95 points last year was 30 more than any other season in his career? With all that money in the bank and slower linemates, he's a stone-cold lock to score 195 points this season! And who's to say that adding the 32-year old Kimmo won't be a similar move to Anaheim adding a similarly-old Scott Niedermayer to their d-line? Or that the addition of Kimmo, Scott Hartnell and Scottie Upshall won't make this team Nashville East? How many Cups did Nashville win with those guys --5, 6? Expect the Flyers to dominate just as dominantly, if not more so.

Hi Todd, love the column, but as a lifelong Devils fan I just don't see how they're going to win again this year in the Atlantic. I mean, we lost a bunch of guys to free agency, and the other teams in our conference --especially the Rangers and Penguins-- picked up a whole mess of savvy veterans. How can we hope to compete, much less squeak by into first place in the division? --Willy in Hoboken

Great questions, Willy. First off, a little Cardinal Rule of Hockey (courtesy Pat Burns): when you're winning, hockey is 95% goaltending. When you're losing, it's 100%. The Devils have arguably the best, unquestionably one of the top three goalies not just in the NHL, but of all time in Martin Brodeur. And unlike some goaltenders at his age, he actually seems to be getting better with age, posting one of his best seasons yet last year while the team was going through that period of transition. With a group of forwards dedicated to defense and team-over-showiness, this is always a team to be reckoned with when the final standings come in.

Great column, but why are you always picking on the Red Wings? What did they ever do to you? --Chris C., D-Town

Could it be because they are the NHL's Goldenboys, they never get called for flagrant penalties, they always get the benefit of phantom calls, they play in the weakest league in hockey, their "snipers" are notorious cheapshot artists, their goalie likes to eviscerate opposing forwards' groins with his shaft, they bought the Cup in 2002 with cold hard ca$$h, they whine to the refs despite getting every call their way, and have employed some of the scuzziest characters (McCarty, LaPointe, Federov) in recent hockey memory? Also, they dress like commies.

Are you ever going to do another column on team theme songs? If so, can I suggest one for the Blackhawks? Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" --Frank in Sheboygan

As a matter of fact, I was going to get to that before the season started. Thanks for the reminder, Frank!

Well, that's it for this week's Mailbag! Tune in next week when I detail my daring escape --using the corrosive properties of 483 of your standard D batteries-- from the trunk of a Flyers' fan's car!