Thursday, September 27, 2007

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Revising the Goal Songs

By Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week, we learned about how Eastern Conference teams and their fans are the tops! I was originally intending to write this week's column breaking down, statistically, the crucial importance of between-period entertainment at pre-season hockey games when I came across the (in)famous Jeff K's take on changing the goal song. Jeff K, for those of you who don't know, is the 50-foot guy on the jumbotron that entertains the fans between periods and during TV time outs, and who also, coincidentally, is the Leader of the HAVOC Fanatics --although some so-called Stars fans (all of whom have day jobs as morticians and librarians) find the Havocs to be annoying, any true hockey fan can see the value of having people at the arena who are enjoying themselves and the game.

But that's fodder for a future column: this week, we're going to discuss the merits, advantages and disadvantages of goal songs. Currently, whenever the Stars score a goal in their own barn, they play President Pedophile's "Rock and Roll Part II" -- presumably because it's instantly recognizable, allows the fans an easy way to say "Hey!", and helps pay the steep dowries for Gary Glitter's harem of underage Cambodian significant others. Now, the Stars have repeatedly said that Glitter gets no royalties from the song anymore, having sold the rights nearly a decade ago, but I think the Stars could do better. Here are some of my brainstorming ideas for a new goal song:

Pictured: my idea for the Stars' new uniform

Metallica's Seek and Destroy: With its head-banging rhythm and barbarian blood rage ferocity, this would be an obvious choice. An added bonus: casual hockey fans would only have to learn four words to sing along -- "SEARCHINGGGGG.....SEEK AND DESTROY!!!" Anyone, even a two year old child or SMU business grad could, eventually, learn the lyrics. The ultimate metal sing-a-long.

John William's Imperial Death March: A decade ago when Juan Gonzalez was worthy of fear and respect, he had this as his regular at-bat music.... and it worked! While it may not exactly work as a song to be played after a goal --the song's best quality is its menacing, foreboding dread-- perhaps the Stars could play this every time they streak down the ice on the power play? Can you imagine how cool it would look to see Sergei Zubov slowly, deliberately bringing the puck up-ice while this song was playing? No wonder they don't allow that sort of thing during play: opposing goalies would wet their pants.

George Clinton's Mortal Combat Techno: Again, a song probably best played immediately before a goal, but what kind of hockey fan would shy away from screaming "MORTAL COMBAAAAAT!!!" at every conceivable chance?

Scandal's Warrior: #1 Drawback: too many words. #1 Advantage: fans can easily go "Bang-Bang!!" and make six-shooter signs with their hands after every goal, thereby reminding enemy netminders of exactly what state they are in and what awaits them in the parking lot if they continue to frustrate us with their insufferable goaltending, defensive team play and hard work.

Shonen Knife's Konnichiwa: Great chorus, hyperactive punk tempo, and sung by tiny Japanese girls --what's not to love? An added bonus: after every goal, opposing teams have to suffer the indignity of 17,000 fans screaming "Konnichiwa, bitches!!"

Jethro Tull's Thick as a Brick: This song's 44-minute play should neatly fill in the downtime between Stars goals this season.

Metallica's Damage, Inc.: I have no idea if this song would be a good goal song, but I include it up here primarily because I've love to hear my all-time favorite metal song up on those massive American Airlines speakers.

And even more pressing issue facing hockey fans today is the notion of the goals-against song. Currently, the Stars use "The Darkness" by someone I can never remember, which is far too stark and depressing to be played at any time during a hockey game. Psychologically, that song just adds psychological injury to on-ice insult, bringing Stars fans to the point of metaphysical terror every time anyone ever scores a goal against them. And for once, I'm not exaggerating: I've known Stars fans who think that going down 1-0 in the first period of a game in October spells D-O-O-M for their playoff chances in May. Thus, I propose these songs --along with my Psychology 101 take on each one-- as the Stars' official "Goal-Against" song.

Brave Combo's The Chicken Dance: Rather than bringing the fans down, I think it's far more effective to pump them up after each enemy goal. Also, this song has the added benefit of humiliating enemy forwards, cheapening the importance of their hard-earned goals and putting polka-laced doubt into their minds for the rest of the game. I can see it now: "Why are they dancing? Don't they know I have scored the go-ahead goal in the third period? What is wrong with the universe? What does it all mean?".

Metallica's Don't Tread on Me: After an enemy goal, the fans don't need to sulk in their seats, expecting the worst for their team -- they need to get up, stand up for themselves and issue a big middle finger to the guys who just attempted to make their lives miserable by putting a puck past Turco. This song tells fans to cowboy up, shake themselves off and get right back into the game before the other team is even done celebrating and pointing at themselves. An excellent reminder of the Business at Hand.

C'mon, Stars fans: this guy never stopped believin'

The Donna's Who Invited You: Defiance is key here: you scored on me, but who the hell invited you into my house? C'mon, Stars fans, get angry!

Austin Lounge Lizards' Industrial Strength Tranquilizer: For those games in which Turco/Smith can't stop anything, this speedy country paean to strong drink should be perfect.

Journey's Don't Stop Believing: Sometimes all fans need is a little hope. And considering the Stars' amazing regular season prowess at third-period comebacks, there's no reason why Steve Perry's soaring vocals shouldn't be blasted out the AAC's massive speakers every time Cheechoo scores some first-period garbage goal.

Monty Python's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: Besides having the obvious effect of reminding fans that a single goal scored against is really no big deal, this song has the added bonus of a potentially-effective, jeering whistle that can be used to denigrate and belittle opposing forwards and their cheap goals.

But why stop there? Here are some miscellaneous songs that ought to be played at certain specific junctures of the game:

Jimi Hendrix's Manic Depression: For whenever Hagman, Barnes or Halpern spends more than 45 seconds of a shift in the offensive zone without a goal, they could play "Manic depression is a... frustrating miss!"

Sound of Music's How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?: For whenever an enemy goalie is putting on a Luongo-esque show of brilliant puck-stoppage.

Frank Sinatra's Send in the Clowns: For opposing goalie changes.

And finally, Hall and Oates' Kiss is on my List: For right after the refs break up a potential fight.

There you have it for my ideas: I'm sure you, the Fans, have far more great ideas than myself. Tune in next week when I investigate the scatological subtext of the Stars' jumbotron crowd-pumper messages.

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Comments

James Scott Verified

I think I too have to agree with the 'darkness' music. It pretty much means church, at least in the playoffs (although, DAL was on the favorable end on several 3rd period comebacks last year).

10 months, 4 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Todd Maternowski Staff

BenatarFan: Thanks, for some reason I distinctly recalled her singing it: my bad, and I've corrected the mistake.

10 months, 4 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )