Texas schools to whip out the FITNESSGRAM, measure student fitness annually

by Chad Jones

Your days are numbered.

A new horror on the horizon is striking fear into the hearts of lardy lads, chubby children and pudgy nose pickers around the metroplex.

Sometime this year, just when you thought it was safe to . . . eat a lot, students from 3rd to 12th grade will be compelled to partake in a health exam known as the FITNESSGRAM. Why the caps? Always with the caps. . .

Richardson schools such as the Arapaho Classical Magnet Elementary School have already begun and have been using the program for years.

As part of a new law, Texas is the first state in the country to test aerobic endurance, body fat, flexibility and muscle power of their students every year.

Allegedly 2/3s of Texan adults are overweight. The Fitnessgram's official site takes this factor into account, offering Q&A for really dumb questions like "Why are fitness tests important? I'm a parent, and my child is not going to be a professional athlete. Who cares if he/she can do push-ups or run a mile?"