Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Checking in on the First Round

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we went over my fearless future forecasts: this week I was planning on revealing the tawdry details of when Sergei Zubov sexed Mutombo --those Russians are a lot craftier than you think-- but in light of the amazing awesomeness that is the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I grudgingly saved that story for another day, another column.

Great news: all of my predictions are more or less absolutely spot-on. Who else can say that? Now, I know I didn't get any of my three predicted sweeps, and neither did I get my Babe-Ruth-called-shot-Sergei-Gonchar-moment in that godawful Pittsburgh/Ottawa series, but other than that playoff life's been good to me. Oh, and forget everything I said about Trashville's inability to pull off a single good period, much less an actual series. Without any further ado, here's my Thursday Morning Running Stanley Cup Playoff Update (the dreaded TMRSCPU, which I also contracted in college, but that's another story).

Montreal #1 versus Boston #8: Unless you're from Boston and for some reason not watching the Celtics --or if you're from Montreal and enjoy ogling young goaltending studs-- there's little in this series that could even qualify as watchable. Boston pulled off the miraculous non-sweep with an OT win in Game 3, but beyond that the best thing for hockey would be a quick and painless playoff exit for the Bruins. That said, it's still amusing reading the General Custer Brand Optimism of some Bruins fans. Ahhh, just reading it takes me back to those halcyon days when I honestly thought the Yankees couldn't handle the magnificence of Juan Gonzalez and the unstoppable Texas Rangers. Good times.

Pittsburgh #2 versus Ottawa #7: I called it in five, thinking Pittsburgh would make a mistake somewhere along the way that would cost them a game, but even I couldn't not have predicted this, the single ugliest display of non-hockey in a playoff round in recent memory. Ottawa just completely gave up, and played with as much passion and hard working gumption as you'd expect from a DMV employee or Verizon Customer Service Rep. Holy crap, do the Senators suck. Having worked in corporate AmeriKKKa for most of my adult life, I'm very familiar with pathetic attempts at team motivation, but Bryan Murray's tactics were so unbelievably bad that they shot all the way past "THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES" and came back around to blue-faced William Wallace territory. Were I a Senator, I'd have played my ass off just to see what zany shenanigans Murray would try next. Fortunately, I am not a Senator, and the real hockey world was spared another 60-minute "effort" from said try-babies.

Sidney Crosby (pictured, right) and Evgeni Malkin (left) had no problem handling the Senators

Washington #3 versus Philadelphia #6: This series started off with bodies flying around, wild and senseless checks, and amazing goals scored when it would be amazing for amazing goals to be scored. Then, for some reason, both teams started toning it down about forty notches. Game 3's high score was particularly deceptive: there was a 15-minute span in which, down by two goals, the Caps could not even get off a single shot, nor did they appear to want to. Sticking around the perimeter, going for the safe pass rather than the goal, is a page taken straight out of Dave Tippett's Ten Rules for Longterm Playoff Success, and --whoa!-- turns out it didn't work so well for the Caps, either. They need to re-evaluate their playoff strategy, and get a new team motto, something along the lines of "Son of a bitch! Release the Ovech!". Also, committing Jamie Pushor-like turnovers in front of your own net is something they may want to work on in the morning skate. I'm talking to you, Milan Jurcina!

New Jersey #4 versus New York #5: I called a Rangers sweep, but it looks like I was a game off. Of all the Eastern Conference teams, I've always sympathized with the Devils the most (quick admission: I'm lying. I've always, until recently, been a Penguins fan. But since The Golden Hockey Jesus came into the league, and forever changed the way the NHL markets the game, I can no longer root for them in good conscience), but this team barely got to where they were this year by the skin of their teeth, and are one-goal-a-game worse than the Devils Mark II team they're facing. Depending on who wins the Caps-Flyers match-up, the Rangers could pose problems for Montreal or Pittsburgh: nothing is more lethal in the playoffs than easily defeating an inferior opponent in the first round, only to face a real team in the second. Just ask the Indianapolis Colts.

Phew! Thank Jebus we got that dogshit conference out of the way. Now on to some real hockey series:

Detroit #1 versus Nashville #8: For someone who hates both these teams passionately, I must admit I found the last two games to be extremely entertaining, and the amount of smack-talk coming from my IKEA loveseat would shame the most hardened of crusty-barnacled longshoremen. In Game 3, especially, I spent 59 minutes waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop: sure, Nashville was dominating the Red Wings in the neutral zone, and in the corners, and in the offensive zone, and along the boards, but you just knew --you knew-- that the Wings would allow themselves to be dominated for a period or two, not give up anything, then go down the ice and score a couple of goals to put the thing out of reach. Having watched the Red Wings do just that, night in and night out, for the better part of two decades, imagine my surprise when they gave up five goals on something like three shots, and then could not manage a clean entry into the Predators' zone to save their lives! When the same last-minute offensive futility kicked in in Game 4, you knew something was going on: could this Red Wings team be....mortal!?!? Far from just rooting for Tootoo to take out a Red Wing with a cheapshot or two, now it's an actual series, although to expect Nashville to take another one from the Wings is sheer madness. Madness, I tell you!!

San Jose #2 versus Calgary #7: There is no greater feeling for a sports fan than when you pick against the vast majority of experts/pundits, and are proven right. When I picked Calgary in five, I did so knowing fully well that the Sharks would once again go down, and this would be as good a time as any to engage in their typical Rite of Spring (the orchards of San Jose are ritualistically fertilized by the tears of Sharks fans every year around this time). The fact that this series is even at two should be cause for concern for Sharks fans: the fact that this series was a few bounces away from a Calgary sweep should be even more concerning. Much is made of the Sharks' "victory" in Game 2, but I saw the Sharks' effort there as nigh-pathetic: if you get ten straight minutes of powerplay time, and you are the San Jose Sharks, with the Greatest Passer in Hockey, you need to cash in on that. And they did. At the end. With one goal. After a two-minute 5-on-3 had expired. I know what you're thinking: holy hell, that is some amazing results!! Because we all know how often teams like Detroit and Colorado are called for ten uninterrupted minutes of powerplay time. You're going to go far, Joe Thornton!

The Stars will reign in blood to-night at the AAC

Minnesota #3 versus Colorado #6: This series has the unfortunate effect of proving me wrong on my constant Eastern Conference-bashing: as any impartial observer will attest, this series is as boring and slow as any in the Eastern Conference other than Pittsburgh/Ottawa, and stands out from the other wildly-wacky Western wonderfests like a four-inch boil on Natalie Portman's face. While involuntarily watching this series, I waver between hoping for a seven-game slugfest in order to give the Stars much-needed rest, and just taking both these teams out behind the Pepsi Center and putting them out of their misery the old-fashioned way, Ottawa-style. On a positive note, if Dallas wins they will likely play one of these two teams in the second round, which is great news for fans of butt-whuppin'.

Anaheim #4 versus Dallas #5: And finally, the Series du Jour ('du jour' means 'buckle your seatbelts'). Things were going swimmingly for two games for the Stars, but it appears the Ducks noticed, and changed things up in a jiffy for Game 3. Rather than idiotically trying to run every Stars player into the boards to "send a message", the Ducks decided to play hockey in Game 3, playing to score goals rather than playing to score Sportscenter highlights. And for a period and a half, it worked! The Stars seemed ready for another game in which they capitalized off the Duck's physical play, and looked completely surprised when the hits never came. So surprised, in fact, that everyone on the team became incapable of executing basic hockey fundamentals --minor details like "move puck with stick", "skate" and "pass to teammate" got lost in the Stars' muddled brains. The result was a 4-0 score despite the puck's refusal to leave the Ducks' defensive zone. In the later parts of the second and all of the third, the Stars slowly regained the ability to pass the puck --though their ability to shoot the puck was still up for debate-- and they, briefly, appeared primed to come back. A four-minute minor, the biggest momentum-killer in all of sports, did them in, however, and the game was lost. Still, there was much to like about the Stars' efforts, and a reminder of their own mortality cannot be a bad thing. Not to mention that a four-game sweep may have done them in -- the Stars suck after long layoffs.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I detail my journey to the AAC to-night: I'll be the one in KISS-style facepaint and a black Slayer t-shirt, groaning about biased refereeing after every icing call. A colleague of mine claims that the Stars' "Blackout" is gayer than having gay sex while watching the Icecapades, but hey-- any excuse to wear my Slayer shirt to a playoff hockey game is good enough for me. Nik Hagman is effing METAL!!

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Gettin’ it Right in the Second Round (April 24, 2008)
• Pegasus News Week in View: No VIPs at SOBs edition (April 17, 2008)

See more stories in:

• Hockey > NHL > Stars

Comments

Scott Doyle Verified

Game 3 of Ducks v. Stars was a 4-2 score, btw...not 4-0.

Stars scored twice on power plays in the 3rd, meaning they used that whole skating while pushing puck with stick bit well when there were only 4 Ducks to step around. We gained quite a bit of momentum as both were within a couple of minutes, but too little too late.

Execution at the end of regulation was horrible though - no idea why they didn't go empty net sooner since they were down 2 goals (not gonna do it with just a minute and a half). Ducks still managed to clear the zone effectively with 6 Stars roaming around, too. Simply out-hussled us.

Killed me on the inside, and this is the first season I've actively kept up with hockey. sigh

3 months, 1 week ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Scott Doyle Verified

Also, take heed to Turco's words re: blackout!

• "I think all goalies prefer white out, as long as the puck's black," he said. "If it gets over [the edge of] the glass and above and beyond, it's going to be a tough battle to see it. But both goalies are in the same predicament, so all's fair. It should be interesting to see."

To which I say: everyone sitting behind the far goal that Stars shoot on in 1st & 3rd periods...wear white. EVERYBODY ELSE black it out. =)

It's hockey people, nothing wrong with playing a little dirty.

3 months, 1 week ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Todd Maternowski Staff

Good points, Mr. Doyle. On a lighter note, the Stars are now 2-0 in playoff home games when I show up in full face paint. (Black, of course). Commentary and pics to follow in next week's Cupcheck!

3 months, 1 week ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Scott Doyle Verified

I know I didn't get any of my three predicted sweeps

IJS, the one sweep you gave up on ended up happening - Pitt swept Ottawa. =p

3 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

xdavidwattsx Anonymous

This 3-1 series lead has me feeling a bit giddy but I'll try and remain tempered until they win game 4. Hopefully, tonight!

3 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )