Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Contracting the Southleast Division

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we royally dissed the most amazing athletic accomplishments of our times: this week, I was planning on doing my annual installment of 'Former Dallas Stars: Which Porn Movies Are They In Now?' (#14: Juicy Poke-It-In and Antti Might-Be-In star in Cold Fish XIII: Helsinki Nights), but recent events in the world of hockey have once again forced my hand. I'm talking, of course, about the absolute complete dearth of any hockey-related news whatsoever.

I know what you're asking yourself: "Where did I leave my keys?", and you'd be right. Normally a total and absolute void of hockey news would signify nothing, and let's get on with the Finnish porn already. But there's a little-known Rule of the Universe that they probably didn't teach you in high school physics; namely, that Bullshit Fills a Void in Space. I'm referring to the amazing natural process whereby a void in hockey news is invariably filled with pure, unadulterated grade-F Canada-fresh Canuck-approved brown-misting B.S.

It seems the middle of August is the perfect time for low-grade hack writers feel the need to offer pointless suggestions on contracting the sport of hockey. For both of you not aware of this tired, allegedly sports-related argument, it goes like this: I was born with small genitalia, and have strong opinions. Please listen to me as I tell billionaires what they can do to lose all their money! Hey!! Heyheyeheyhey!!. Oh, yeah, and something about how eliminating six or so teams will improve the quality of play.

Naturally, this argument is usually proposed by a Canadian, and almost invariably targets the five teams in the Southleast Division. Ignore the fact that teams from that division have won two of the last four Stanley Cups, and that Canada has been shut out since the Dawn of Man --on second thought, don't ignore that, because that's really what this argument boils down to.

Yes, the Canadian media has got its moosehair panties in the proverbial bunch, and blames over-expansion for the complete lack of managerial ability of its teams. The usual list of to-be-contracted teams has a pretty nifty set of players on their rosters: Ovechkin, Lecavalier, Kovalchuk and Jokinen, all amazing superstars just waiting for their chance to take a home-team discount to play for a craptacular Canadian team.

All this begs the question: would having 20 or 24 teams really mean better games with more talented rosters? Only if you believe talent, not teams, win games. And if you do believe that, congratulations on winning big in Vegas on the past decade and a half of New York Rangers Stanley Cup victories. That's EA Sports NHL '94 thinking for you: if you don't have to draft players for your fantasy team that are below a certain talent grade, then your team will invariably be faster, bigger, more accurate, and capable of bringing the Cup back to Canada.

And the best pa--wait, what's that sound? Ah, yes, it's the sound of everyone who has ever been a part of a successful group laughing at your fat face. This is not the bullshit Olympics, where you can play with yourself, win a bunch of gold medals and claim you did it for your 'team' -- in true team sports, or team non-sports, cooperation and group dynamics are what provides success, excitement and draw. Pavel Bure used to score a ton of goals: but he did it because the other four guys on the ice did the dirty work for him in the corners, fought off enemy forwards for the puck and passed to Bure as he was sitting helpfully on the red line waiting for someone to pass him the puck. For his incredible ability to skate fast and make 8-10% of his massive volume of shots, Bure was lauded by the media for being a great player, and every year his team would be picked to do better in the standings because of him. But his teammates made him a great player, not the other way around.

A similar phenomenon occurs whenever you have a star player taking huge minutes: Sidney Crosby, for all his talents, still scores most of his points on the powerplay. And as anyone who saw the Cup Finals knows, a well-oiled machine of four defensive-minded team-first individuals can silence Hockey Jesus quite effectively on the powerplay, and make him completely disappear on 5-on-5 play. Naturally, Crosby's recent EA Sports ranking is a 99; logically, it would follow that Kris Draper should be about a 110 or so, right? Maybe a 176 when you consider what his line did to Hossa and Malkin at the same time.

Truth is, last year's Penguins were a team that had that kind of post-contraction look and feel, and they weren't even on the same rink as a team that's drafted just as well in the expansion era as they did 15 years ago when there was no salary cap or teams located in fetid marshes (except for the Devils). I'd take last year's Red Wings or Stars team over the Canadian All-Star team any day of the week.

More to the point, however, is this enduring myth that hockey teams are in any way different than, say, your own workplace. Would you say that contracting your office would lead to improved work performance? Some people believe that, and some people get paid to feed CEOs that very line. Of course, as anyone with personal experience in the matter knows, layoffs almost never work out. The media moguls seem pretty confident when they call for the contraction of the Washington Capitals, but why stop there? Why not write an article on how Exxon needs to fire 14% of its employees and shutter a quarter of its international drilling operations in order to improve the quality of its product? After all, wasn't it a Better World when there were fewer employees working in the oil and gas industries? Remember how awesome that was? We need to return to the 1890s to preserve the integrity of the energy business. Also, move Exxon and Chevron's HQ up to Canada.

Realistically, of course, contraction would be up to the owners: and the owners know that forcing a half-dozen teams to fold would be a bigger public relations disaster than the lockout. Not just that, but for every new team, each owner gets millions in franchise fees: they would get zip for every contracted team. Would you pass up a chance at ten million dollars on some weird, poorly-defined "principle" that would cost you far more than you made? Yes. Yes you would.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I call for the Canadian teams to be relocated to the sunny, ice-filled beaches of Central America: the players' reaction to getting paid in bananas may surprise you.