Thursday, December 11, 2008

Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Tom Cruise Edition

By Mike Bullock , Chris Curotolo , Todd Maternowski , Justin Smith

It's playoff crunch time in the football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 110% accurate predictions by our savvy staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of vastly overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributor Tom Cruise, various clones of which are currently instructing Justin and Todd on the finer points of wrestling Xenu. They will offer their expert commentary on the studly Week 15 brouhaha between the San Francisco 49ers and the Miami Dolphins.

Check your pick-levels with this handy free enlargable pic

Operating Thetan-era Tom Cruise: "Much of what we consider to be the NFL is actually a farce, a pseudo-sport, especially for those of us who have been 49er fans for the past decade. So it should come as no surprise to you to know that I, Xenu Christ, the Holy Moses of Snow, was brutally mauled by an aquatic mammal as a child. That terrible incident at Seaworld has influenced my adult life more than you can possibly imagine --and this week will be the sweet, delicious revenge I've been waiting for all this time. The Dolphins are the well-paid security guards of the genocidal alien overlords of the earth, and payback will be swift and sweet."

Endless Love-era Tom Cruise: "Are you going to eat that?"

2050 A.D.-era Tom Cruise: "As I look back to this week 42 years ago, long before I ascended to my current position as Emporer of the Earth, I remember wistfully the tax-exempt anger I felt towards the Miami Dolphins, and indeed all aquatic mammals, and how that hatred ultimately fueled my rise to power during the Species Wars of the 2020s. The Take-back of Teegeeack started on that fateful Sunday, and the result of that epic game will forever be remembered in the annals of history. However, as no one reading this is currently at an OT3-level, I will divulge the outcome of this game for a mere 36 million exchange-credits. Those among you who can afford it, will find the information exceptionally useful."

Related stories

• Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Gary Edition (Dec. 18, 2008)
• Pegasus News week in view: Holly-daze edition (Dec. 11, 2008)

See more stories in:

• Football > NFL