Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Sean Avery’s First Day at Hull-mart

by Todd Maternowski

(Large, non-descript Wal-mart. Brett Hull is proudly walking abreast of his new hire, Sean Avery)

Brett: (points around store) "Ain't she a beaut? Built her with my own sweat and blood. You're going to like it here."

Sean: "Nice job. The ones in New York are better, tho."

Brett: "REALLY!?!"

(the two walk by Brenden Morrow working out next week's schedules)

Brett: "Brenden, there's someone I want you to meet. This is Sean. We hired him today as Head Janitor. Brenden's our Team Lead."

Brenden: "That's coo--wait, what?? I caught this kid peeing in the sink in the men's bathroom last week! We can't hire him!"

Sean: "Yeah, did you get all of that out? I also left something for you in register three."

Brett: "Trust me, Brenden, you'll want to work with this kid. Reminds me a lot of myself when I was your age: dependable, reliable, willing to get dirty in the corners. We needed a good janitor, and I thought he was the perfect fit. Especially after corporate said the Detroit store was 'more presentable' last time."

Brenden: (narrows eyes) "We've already got a janitor."

Brett: "Steve? Yeah, we'll keep him around, too. Now we have two janitors. You're going to like the way this place looks in a few weeks."

Sean: "It'll be cleaner than that baboon's outhouse you call a face, Brenden. Hey, just kidding, man....not! No, but seriously, just kidding."

(ten minutes later, Brett is introducing Sean to Marty, the Greeter. Brett's got his arm around Sean's shoulders, and is looking wistfully at the youngster, much like a father looking proudly at his own son)

Brett: "Marty! Marty, there's someone you ought to meet. Your new janitor! His name is Sean. Isn't this exciting?!"

Sean: "Hi, fattie"

Marty: "I'm not fat! That's just my greeter's uniform. It bulges in all the wrong places."

Sean: "True. Also, you stuff your fat face all the time. Just kidding, man!"

Brett: "He's a hoot, huh? Marty here makes sure people are greeted warmly at the door here at Hullmart."

Marty: "Wal-mart."

Brett: "No one gets past Marty without his smiling approval."

Sean: "What about that guy? You didn't even say hi to him. And he looks shady, possibly French-Canadian."

Marty: "Dammit effing Christ!!"

Brett: "Don't worry, Marty, with the great job Sean will be doing around here, you'll never accidentally let one in again without a proper, old-fashioned Hullmart greeting."

Sean: "Except for my genitals in your wife!! Badda-bing!"

(Marty's eyes narrow, glares at Sean)

(ten minutes later, in Brett's office. Brett is staring lovingly at Sean from across the desk, while Sean, bored, plays with various knick-knacks on Brett's desk)

Brett: "And I got that one in St. Louis. It's a small replica of the Arch. They have the big one, the real one, in St. Louis."

Sean: "Uh-huh."

(Mike Modano rushes in) "You wanted to see me, boss?"

Brett: "Hi, Mike, thanks for joining us. Sean, Mike is our Head Cashier. He's been with us since we relocated from the Minneapolis store."

Sean: "You got dust in those nuts, son."

Mike: "What?"

Sean: "You're old, longhair. Nice mullet."

Mike: "Did you just sa--"

Brett: "Haha! What a charmer! Mike, the reason I called you in today, Sean here, he was telling me that money's been missing from your register."

Mike: "Are you serious? That's impossible!"

Brett: "REALLY!!? ---wow, this might be more serious than I thought! Have Officer Crombeen come in here asap!"

(Mike leaves, fetches Security Officer Crombeen. Leaves Brett's office, snickering)

Crombeen: "Hi Mr. Hull! Great day outside, huh?"

Brett: (shakes head, disappointingly) "Officer BJ, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. There's been a rash of stealings lately, and we need to hire more security. I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go."

Crombeen: "But--I--wait--you said-- but I love working here! No one's stolen anything since I started here!"

Brett: "We need to hire more security, and we simply can't afford your $5.25 an hour salary. Especially after this morning, when I brought on Sean here for $18.76 an hour plus benefits."

Sean: "Does that include poontang and a gun?"

Brett: "Wow, what a great idea!! Officer BJ, turn in your weapon, please."

Crombeen: "All you gave me was this name-tag and an apron."

Sean: "You heard the man, dipshit. I'm gonna love being the security guard around here!"

Brett: "And the Head Janitor. Don't forget about that!"

Sean: "Already have, gramps."

Brett: "Oh Sean! You crack me up!"

(one hour later, an angry mob of Wal-mart employees is heading towards Brett's office)

Angry Mob: "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!"

Brett: (looking puzzled) "What seems to be the problem, boys?"

Mike: "Sean called the corporate office and got us all fired!"

Brett: "Impossible! Sean, did you do this?"

Sean: "I just called Mr. Wal, told him that my ex-girlfriend said I would fit in nicely with all the douchebags at Wal-mart, but I went down every aisle and didn't find a single bag of douche. Nothin' serious."

Brett: (chuckles) "That's it? Pshaw! That's nothing!"

Angry Mob: "And now we're all fired! They're closing the store in half an hour!"

Brett: "Let me handle this, boys."

(Brett returns to office, calls up Commissioner Walton) "Commish? Brett here. From Hullmart. Uh-huh. Texas. Dallas. Yeah, I meant to tal--wait, you mean--uhhh... seriously? Sean said that?? Exactly what bodily fluids and which part of your dead grandmother's corpse are we talking about here? Uh-huh. Hmm. Eh. Yeah, I guess (sighs dejectedly). I'll tell him, Commish. What's that? Oh, ok, I'll be more careful next time. Thank you, sir! We at Hullmart appreciate your honesty. Sorry, Wal-mart. (hangs up phone) It's Hull-mart. Bitch."

(Two weeks pass. Brett walks into the store, arm around a handsome Swedish boy)

Brett: "You're going to love it here, Fabian. I like the cut of your jibe. You'll make a fine Head Cashier someday."

Fabian: "I vas tolds I'ds have de akkess to za pornographic magazines?"