Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Gary Edition

by Mike Bullock , Chris Curotolo , Todd Maternowski , Justin Smith

It's playoff crunch time in the football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 110% accurate predictions by our savvy staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of vastly overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Gary Busey, Gary Cole and Gary Gygax, as scryed through an arcane ritual known only to The Three Gary-Men: Gary Oldman, Gary Coleman and Todd, who spent four long years as the Man-Mayor of Gary, Indiana. They will offer their expert commentary on the gloomy Week 16 guerrilla fight between the Indianapolis Colts and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Gary.

Gary Busey: "The Superbowl is like any other story: composed entirely of light. And you spell it the same. Leftover Incinerating Jacksonville's Hot Tamales. Light. The Jaguars are a fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, slow team, they'll slow up on you like a panther stalking a female cougar. They rip hearts. They tear with their sharp beaks. They do it in the name of the animal's Dark Side. Hence the dark uniforms. (Busey bares his teeth, gets crazy intensity in his eyes). Mandibles. Powerful mandibles. And the Superbowl. The eventual Super Mandibles bowl winner will be eaten alive before the Lord by the Jaguars. Of course only partially literally."

Gary Cole: "Ooooooohhh...... yyeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh.......uuuuuuhhhh...........I'm going to go ahead and, ooohh, sortof.... diiiisagreeeeeee with you there, Gary."

Gary Gygax: "The Colts Party is led by Peyton the Paladin, a lawful good champion and natural leader with abnormally high charisma and dexterity scores. He is opposed by the chaotic evil Spanish-sounding villain, Jacques del Rio, who's brute strength keeps his swarthy band of ogres in check... for now. Peyton's got the powerful healing spells of Dungy the Druid, while the nimble rogue twins Marvin and Reggie will flank the unsuspecting Jaguar brutes, and benefit from a +2 bonus on their attack rolls. But without the strong melee presence of Saturday the Fighter --whose hit points dropped below zero many weeks ago-- can Peyton fend off the Jaguar's Improved Bull Rush long enough for his rogues to get their sneak attacks in? Where's my dice bag?"

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