Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The 2008 Dallas Stars Christmas Gift List
Hola mis fantaticos de la hockey! Last week we explored the Sean Avery situation using the mediums of performance mime in a gender-neutral space; this week, I was planning on fleshing out the details of the Dear Sean letters I found while rummaging for pizza in the dumpster behind Dave Tippett's heavily-guarded McFortress (sample exerpt: "Dear Sean, by the time you read this we'll be allowing fewer than five goals a game..."), when I glanced up at the storefront window I'd just smashed and realized, It's Christmastime, baby!!
Truly, had this been any other time of year, your weary eyes would have been subjected to yet another tired cliche regarding Sean Avery and his Battle Royale with the league office, the Stars' locker room, and the angry mob of male prostitutes that are demanding he start doing something about all those unpaid bar tabs. But since this is Christmas, the time of giving, what better way to celebrate the birth of Santa than with a positive, uplifting 2008 Dallas Stars Christmas List?
We realize that times are tough in these rough economic times --unless you're a white-collar executive of a bankrupt stockbroking firm, in which case you're probably reading this laughing off the deck of your mega-yacht somewhere off the coast of that little island you bought with my taxes near the coast of St. Kitt-- but I think we can all agree that multimillion dollar athletes need some love, too. And presents. Lots of presents.
Darryl Sydor: The Bubbles Butt Lifting Lingerie -- It's no secret that Darryl's once-stellar play on the backend is just not quite what it used to be when he was younger and more supple. This gift should put a little glide in his stride and a dip in his yip and help Sydor get rid of that two-goals-per-game junk in the trunk he's been lugging around back there.
Joel Lundqvist: A Shower Sex Bathtub Handle -- While it's really none of our business exactly how many members of the Swedish Bikini Team Joel entertains in his private quarters, all the resulting groin injuries are really starting to affect the team's performance on the ice. Remember: safe sex is the best kind. At least that's what I remember from all those how-to manuals from Health Class.
Mike Ribeiro: Magnifying Mirror -- Next time the little lady says that your offensive production just doesn't seem as big as it used to be, just whip out one of these babies and show her the score! Either that, or you could, say, score more.
Marty Turco: This Special Towel -- I'm sure all Stars fans that have watched the first third of the season have wondered aloud regarding the geographic location of Marty's cranium in relation to his posterior. Marty himself probably wonders that from time to time: well fret no more! With this special towel, the mystery of Marty will be able to decisively separate noggin from tuckus.
Tom Hicks: Fake Winning Lottery Tickets -- In these tough times, no one suffers more than the extravagantly wealthy among us. This is the gift you can give to the man who once had everything, for what better present could one give this season than a smile to a millionaire's face?
Brett Hull: Backwards Clock -- Can we say 'do-over'?
Chris Conner: The Big Boy -- C'mon, man, we know you're not really 5'8". But don't let that get you down! This is the perfect gift for the forward that needs a little size and presence in the offensive zone.
Sean Avery: Do I Even Have to Say It? -- This gift is perfect for the me-first off-ice pest on the go. A few squirts of this puppy and Sean will no longer have that stale and predictable "not so fresh" feeling to him and his self-serving antics.
Brad Richards: ManDelay Premature Ejaculation Cream -- Brad's at his best when he can calmly survey the field and patiently get the puck to the open man. Brad's at his worst when he's running around his own zone like a chicken with its head cut off, chasing the puck fruitlessly in those tight corners. Take a step back, relax, and breathe: remember, the journey through the neutral zone is just as enjoyable as the eventual game-tying goal.
Jere Lehtinen: Magnetic Bumper Stickers -- Let's face it, no one knows what's going on with the Jere Lehtinen injury situation. Not because there's a dearth of medical information, but because Jere's thick Finnish accent makes a mockery of the time-honored hockey tradition of between-periods interviews. With these magnetic bumper stickers, Jere will be able to convey in clear English exactly what's really on his mind at all times.
Dave Tippett: Redneck Roadrage Megaphone -- To most observers, it seems as if the players are tuning out the coach's message. With this timely holiday gift, however, they will no longer be able to ignore Coach Dave's once-repetitive pleas to stop stick-checking in the defensive zone. A new voice in the coach's chair might be just what this team needs to get back on their high horse this season and make the playoffs, and this gift provides like no other.
That's it for this week's Christmas Shopping Extravaganza edition of the Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I'll be giving Stars fans a play-by-play breakdown of my Christmas morning, including up-to-the-minute reports on Tube Socks Received and a scrolling ticker indicating exactly how many 50%-off Michael Vick Fat Head posters I'll be plastering on my bedroom walls this holiday season.
