Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Todd’s Top Ten Films of 2008

By Todd Maternowski

Moviegoers were treated to an incredible array of movie-making genius this past year: the sheer cinematic brilliance of 2008 makes it extremely tough for a simple-minded movie critic like myself to put together a Top Ten Best Films list. Much like in my 2007 and 2006 lists, the real chore was narrowing down the field: anytime you are forced to leave out gems like Witless Protection, One Missed Call and --wow-- even Beer For My Horses, you know it's been an amazing year in film.

#10 - Swing Vote: It's been far, far too long since Kevin Costner was cast as the saviour of all humanity. After his stints as The Downhome Messiah in such films as Waterworld, The Postman and Sizzle Beach, U.S.A., it's high time Hollywood gave us a movie in which Kevin Q. Everyman determines who lives and who dies.

#9 - Rambo: Ah, the classic battle of Old versus Evil. You know that when Slyjohn Stallambo wakes up at 5:30am each morning, puts in his razor-sharp dentures and his fuzzy slippers made of commie-flesh, that he's only there to do two things: cash his Social Security checks and kick ass. And he's all out of social security checks.

"What's that, Murdock? Hostages behind enemy lines? I'm on it."

#8 - You Don't Mess With the Zohan: Easily Adam Sandler's best movie since Little Nicky, this Paul Mitchell training video instructs new stylists on the finer points of assassination, mental agility and having sex with all of your clients.

#7 - Saw V: Saw V what? Saw five Epiphany Awards for this family-friendly flick at next year's Christian Oscars!

#6 - 10,000 B.C.: Hollywood often gets high marks for sci-fi flicks that occur thousands of years in the distant future, involving cultures and technologies that border on the edge of the imagination. With 10,000 B.C.'s kung fu-fighting Rastafarian Vikings and their sabre-toothed tiger pets, it appears some of Hollywood's top minds have taken that award-winning formula and switched it in reverse. Touche, anonymous geniuses, touche.

#5 - The Happening: Ever had that nightmare where diabolically evil trees are trying to murder you? And then you take the nearest blunt object, and beat the ever-living tar out of a tree for the better part of eight hours, only to find out --just moments before you wake up-- that what you thought was a tree was actually M. Night Shyamalan's face? I have that dream all the time.

#4 - Sex and the City: The Movie: This movie adapation of the popular HBO series Sucking and Shopping takes four little lassies, slaps 'em on the ass and shows the world what women really like: wrasslin' in the mud, making out at the dumpster behind the truck stop, and poppin' out little Juniors inbetween their triple shifts slingin' coffee at the Waffle Hut. An all-Toby Keith soundtrack is just another 'Sugartits' tattoo on the silicone, baby!

Man, Rollie Fingers has really let himself go

#3 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua: The ancient Toltecs once used chihuahuas in religious ceremonies for the absolution of sins and to guide the sprits of the dead. In this sombre epic put out by the high priests of Hollywood, you can practically smell the gravitas. The final scene where Chencho 'Mas Grande' Sanchez's beating heart is ritualistically cut from his ribcage and fed to Lucifer's hellhounds is quite moving, and worthy of Oscar consideration.

#2 - The Love Guru: Any hockey fan knows that when the main premise of your movie is that the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, you're already 99% on your way to over-the-top hilarity! In real life, that will probably occur sometime after the LA Clippers win their third Super Bowl. That's why this movie gets my vote as Best Sci-Fi Film of the Decade.

#1 - The Hottie and the Nottie: After her groundbreaking performance in Citizen Kane 2: Even Kanier!, it was time for Paris Hilton to attempt her most challenging role yet: that of a beautiful and desireable young woman. And it's safe to say that in this movie, Paris surprises us all. More than a film, the #1 movie of 2008 transcended the industry, grabbing the nation by its popped-up collar and forcing it to confront its preconcieved notions of DNA, nature versus nurture, and exactly why it was that we were not allowed to touch the stove when we were children. This film doesn't just challenge or entertain: it takes a rusty fishhook, wraps it in barbed wire and jabs it deep into hypocrisy's groin. Truly a film that will stand out apart from the rest for decades to come.

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