Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Improving Tomorrow’s NHL

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we pondered some excellent suggestions on how to ensure players' throats are not being sliced open by their supposed teammates: I was planning on dedicating this week's column detailing my fun-filled weekend helping Sidney Crosby (remember him?) find love on the interwebs --believe it or not, there are females out there that enjoy the company of hockey players (and, fortunately for Crosby, a few males as well)-- but after all the talk and hub-bub at the General Manager's meeting this past week, I decided I could no longer stay silent on one of my favorite topics: improving the game.

Hockey, as it stands right now, is a fast-paced game combing dazzling speed, awe-inspiring skill and tremendous brute strength, where every goal is important, no lead is safe, and any team on any night can be the best team on the ice.

Reducing their equipment will only make Roberto Luongo and J.S. Giguere find other ways to fill the net

No surprise, then, that GMs want to --once again-- introduce drastic changes to the game. While the GM meeting came and went without any sudden, sweeping reforms, the primary concern for all involved was how to increase scoring. Making the zones bigger, eliminating the center stripe, no-handle zones for the goaltenders ...all of these are stand-up ideas, but to really make a dent on the game, Gary Bettman's going to have to grow a pair of balls big enough to be visible from outer space. Here's a couple of suggestions I've cobbled together over the years (or, more accurately, over the last four minutes) on how the league could invariably increase scoring.

Terrific Idea #1: White pucks -- Oh, sure, you'll introduce lamosexual ideas like no-handle zones for goalies. Or the elimination of tiny pieces of equipment for goaltenders. But when it comes to pro-scoring ideas with brass balls, you flinch. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. GM, I thought that you wanted to increase scoring! My bad! Go ahead and make the nets .15th of an inch bigger if it makes you feel better about yourself. The league-wide increase of three goals next year will really have people on the edge of their seats! As they say in ancient China, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step: of course, if you want to cut 700-800 miles off that journey in one easy sweep, you'd listen to me. Go with the white pucks. When Stephan Robidas scores his 60th goal of the season next year, the Stars' fourth defenseman to reach that mark by the Christmas break, you'll be thanking me for it.

Terrific Idea #2: Put the shootout at the beginning of the game -- Too often, games begin with the depressing score of 0-0. This double-shutout forces teams out of their carefully-constructed gameplans, as players desperately try to get the proverbial 'goose egg' off the jumbotron and instead end up out of position, chasing the puck, etc. Moving the shootout to the beginning would likely solve that 0-0 problem, as games would routinely start with 3-2, 2-1 or even 11-10 scores before the real game was even played.

Terrific Idea #3: Have stay-at-home defensemen stay at home -- Nothing kills a scoring buzz like a defenseman making an intelligent play on the puck. Far too often, forwards will skate into the offensive zone, try to stickhandle their way past two strong-on-the-puck defensemen, and end up looking like a dribbling idiot as one or both d-men lays him out, steals the puck and clears the zone. In Tomorrow's NHL, this sort of behavior is inexcusable: any d-man who is found not emulating Sandis Ozolinsh or Sergei Gonchar will be suspended without pay, sent back to Canada and replaced with either a life-sized wax figurine of himself or Derian Hatcher (although hardly another Ozolinsh, Hatcher gets a special pass, as he creates tons of scoring chances every time he steps on the ice).

Terrific Idea #4: Mandatory steroid injections for forwards -- In Tomorrow's NHL, NHL forwards will take it in the butt. Mandatory HGH injections every other month will ensure that every NHL forward will combine the best of all possible worlds: huge, fast, and full of homicidal aggression, forwards will fly wildly down the ice in barbarian rages, swatting at everything that moves, barreling into the net with or without the puck. Also, the league should remove the "clear kicking motion" rule and allow players to use any appendage, orifice, or foreign object to smash, push, poke or bludgeon the puck into the net any way they can. Every team should have a stack of metal folding chairs ready to go for every shift, in case a roided-up left winger feels the need to brain the opposing netminder seconds before the center cradles the puck in his arms and launches himself headfirst into the net.

Artist's conception of Chris Conner after steroids injections are made mandatory

Terrific Idea #5: Mandatory vegan diets for defenseman -- This is really a continuation of Terrific Idea #4: while forwards are juiced-up ogres bent on on-ice destruction, NHL defensemen need to be kindler, gentler, and weaker human beings. Eliminating all forms of carbs and protein from their diets is a great idea. Two tall glasses of warm water, some rice cakes and a kiwi should be more than enough food allowance for tomorrow's NHL defenseman. The new diet will also have the added benefit of reducing all of that pesky testasterone and masculinity, thereby re-making all NHL defensemen in Gary Bettman's image.

Terrific Idea #6: Replace the vulcanized rubber in pucks with processed Mexican Jumping Beans -- Too often, when a puck is shot at the net, it goes in a straight, easily-predictable line directly towards the goalie, who boringly looks the puck into his waiting glove. Introducing random chance to that process will invariably result in more scoring, as pucks will bounce around the rink like fleas on meth, making even the most routine icing play a potential game-deciding goal. No fan in his or her right mind will leave the game for a bathroom break when the puck could jump into the net of its own accord at any millisecond.

Well, that's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I consult the ZuboZenKoanator 3000 to decide which of next week's trade-deadline deals will be unbridled successes, and which will be horrifying failures.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Brad Richards = Win (Feb. 28, 2008)
• Week in View: Campaign hyperbole edition (Feb. 22, 2008)

See more stories in:

• Hockey > NHL > Stars

Comments

             Get it on friggin TV.