Friday, January 4, 2008

Pegasus’ Professional NFL Playoff Picks - Wildcard Weekend

By Todd Maternowski

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week: Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win 100% of the time. Our prestigious panel of perfect prognosticators --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock-- will rip the future from our crystal balls and slam it on your tables each and every week.

As an added bonus, we have included a fifth column called "Mascot War", in which we discuss which team's actual mascot would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild.

Most of these picks need no explanation: however, our panel has provided some scholarly and learned commentary for certain especially difficult-to-pick games. With the playoffs just starting, the action has certainly heated up, as longtime Pegasus staffer Todd Maternowski leads our panel by an ever-so-slim margin.

Chris: Giant versus Buccaneer -- Wildcard weekend opens this week and gives us all a chance to have fun with some new mascot match-ups. One of the most interesting battles takes place between the Giant and the Buccaneer. To examine this game we’ll need to match up some famous Giants with some famous pirates to see which one really has the advantage here. At first glance, Giants would seem to have a clear advantage, but let’s look a little closer. It’s true that the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk couldn’t handle what seems like a relatively short fall from the sky, but he should be able to handle Sir Francis Drake. I mean the man died from crapping himself. Let’s move on to a matchup between Black Bart and Bigfoot. Here you have a battle between a pirate who wore fancy clothes and a feathered hat versus the only Giant in history who has time to pose for photos and video. And finally, the feared pirate Blackbeard takes on Paul Bunyan. In this battle for the ages Bunyan may seem like the clear winner, but he can swing his big ax all day and never catch Blackbeard. I have to say I am quite disappointed in the Giants performance here. Buccaneer over Giant.

Mike: Redskin versus Seahawk -- The Redskin's weapon of choice is the ability to foresee the future. The Seahawks, on the other hand, are skilled in the art of fishing. This week the Redskins set foot in Seattle. During this journey, they are able to envision the Seahawks' plan of attack and prepare themselves for anything fishy. The Seahawks, not having knowledge of the Redskins' weapon, continue collecting fish to fling at their enemy. The Redskins use their blow guns to attack the Seahawks in mid flight. Raising their guns into the air, the Redskins absentmindedly forgot about the Seahawks dirty bomb. When the Redskins inhale to project their darts, the Seahawks aim for the Redskins' mouth and release the poop. This causes the Redskins to catch the bird flu and die instantly. Seahawk over Redskin.

Justin: Titan versus Charger -- My rhesus monkey Jobu and I had a long talk about this weekend's impending mascot war, with a colossal thing that likes to have sex with its sisters and eat their children and a Charger of San Diego. Funny story--I once met a Brazilian girl in San Diego that had amazing legs, long brown silky hair, and a suspect raspy voice that I chalked up to Marlboro and tequila. We hooked up one night while I was "touring" the California Department of Corrections and it was love at first drink. The next week, Gisele and my wallet were gone, and I kept getting credit card statements for charges for stuff like, "Bulk Rate--Dulcolax" and "Gender Reassignment Surgery." I still love her and I hope wherever she is her and Tom are happy. Oh well, C'est l'amour. Jobu's moral: you cant stop a woman (or a man who wants to be a woman) with a credit card. Charger over Titan.

Todd: Jaguar versus Steeler -- Ah, the classic battle of Nature versus Pittsburgh, Rainforest versus Mineshaft, Toothy McClaws versus Steely McBeam. Finally, a pitched battle to the death worth getting out of bed for! To understand this timeless rivalry, we must first understand the Secret of Steel: as James Earl Jones in Conan the Barbarian famously said, "Steel is strong....but Flesh is stronger!" Sounds logical enough, until you see James Earl's decapitated head bouncing helplessly down the steps of his own supposedly invincible temple. Steel 1, Flesh 0. Steeler over Jaguar.

See more stories in:

• Football > NFL