Sunday, January 6, 2008

“Six Flaggs” offering bonus checks to lure beer drinkers?

By Don Young of FWCanDo

Not provided by any local amusement park. Really.

SIx Flaggs officials are concerned hopeful that the new alcohol policy will encourage activities like this.

DIRTY OL' TOWN — Six Flaggs Under the Table, Inc. announced today that they will begin offering bonus checks to individuals and groups who lease their bellies for beer consumption at the popular theme park. Negotiations were underway with various neighborhood associations for a special, Beer Belly Night Out.

Park officials decided this was the best way to cope with the growing public outcry over their recently announced proposal to allow the sale of alcohol in the park. In a move to allay fears from area residents, they also agreed to install beer kegs as sound barriers between noisy beer drinkers and teetotalers.

After the announcement, complaints subsided drastically as various neighborhoods started organizing to get better lease deals. Park officials have scheduled belly leasing parties at several area churches. Complaints are already mounting that bellies in some neighborhoods have been offered better terms than others.

An unidentified park spokeswoman was quoted as saying, "Sounds gross I know but, think of the income that can be generated for local and state coffers by leasing your soul, I mean, your belly to help a major corporation stay solvent. It's a win-win for all involved."

Downhill Fort Worth, Inc. spokesman, Seaneau Evoll, enthusiastically endorsed the proposal saying, "Think of it this way: It's good for the economy which is all that really matters, right?"

Extra security will be required, as drunks on roller coasters rarely, but occasionally, become violent.

FWISD chief, Malady Junebug, suggested that she is considering a pilot program for allowing beer in public school cafeterias. "Only low calorie, light beers will be considered", she said. With Ms. Junebug's blessing, Six Flaggs has agreed to sponsor a poster contest for 8th graders titled, "Got Beer!"

Mayor Mikey Mischief, whose significant investments in Six Flaggs netted him over half a million dollars last year issued a proclamation stating that, " All beer mugs, I mean boats, will be lifted higher, especially, hiccup, mine." City attorneys acted swiftly to deny any conflict of interest.

In a move that startled no one, The FW League of Associated Neighborburbs joined with the League of Women Vipers to host a public forum to study the issue. Representatives of Bud, Coors and Miller would be invited to make special presentations. The newly formed, Beer Drinkers Education Council, would also be on hand to answer any questions.

Flickr user richardmasoner

The new policy will require some new safety rules.

A small band of protesters from FWCanDuh! were on hand to protest today's announcement pointing out the dangers to society and the moral implications of leasing one's belly to a soulless corporation for beer money.

Fort Worth Tel Star columnist, Ken Buddy, made light of the group's protest, saying, quote, "They're just a bunch of dope smoking hippies who don't appreciate the importance of beer drinking to our local and national interests."

In an unrelated story, Six Flaggs officials announced today that they will make financial donations to the FWISD, the Opera, The Symphony, City Council, Arts Council, all neighborhood associations, etc. etc. Company president, U.B. Snookered adamantly denounced rumors that Six Flaggs was trying to buy undeserved respectability.

Signing off from a nearby parallel universe known as, Dirty Ol' Town...

Don Young is with FW CanDo.

Related stories

• Beer at Six Flags? One local columnist says, “go for it.” (Jan. 6, 2008)

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