Friday, January 11, 2008

Pegasus’ Professional NFL Playoff Picks - Divisional Round

By Todd Maternowski

Most print publications have experts picking NFL games every week: Pegasus News, however, is different, in that we have near-flawless methodology in picking teams that will actually win 100% of the time. Our prestigious panel of perfect prognosticators --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Todd Maternowski and Mike Bullock-- will rip the future from our crystal balls and slam it on your tables each and every week.

As an added bonus, we have included a fifth column called "Mascot War", in which we discuss which team's actual mascot would win in a pitched battle to the death in the wild.

Most of these picks need no explanation: however, our panel has provided some scholarly and learned commentary for certain especially difficult-to-pick games. With the playoffs in full swing, the action has certainly heated up, as longtime Pegasus staffer Todd Maternowski leads our panel by an ever-so-slim margin.

Chris: Seahawk versus Packer -- Sure the meat Packer has experience with pigs, cattle, sheep, but no known experience in the slaughter of birds. On the other hand, the Seahawk, which as I’d stated in week one is a fancy name for Osprey, survives on a steady diet of fish. The Packer may have made a critical mistake in overlooking his competitor’s primary source of food. While the Packer slaughters and ships meat, the fish surplus grows, thus keeping the Seahawk population healthy and strong. It seems like the meat Packer may have his head up his ass. Seahawk over Packer.

Mike: Charger versus Colt -- This week a huge electrical storm blows into Indianapolis as the Charger takes on the Colt. The Charger does not really stand a chance against the Colt. But hay is for horses, and lightning can spark a fire. The Colt will come out of the stall bucking like a mechanical bull in heat. The Charger will produce a bright bolt of lightning that spooks the Colt back into its trailer. Charger over Colt.

Todd: Jaguar versus Patriot -- Ah, the classic battle of Claw versus Musket, Nature versus the American Way, Florida versus God. This pitched battle to the death has been a long time coming, ever since that JFK was mauled by that tiger on the grassy knoll. Since then, every God-fearing Patriotic American has held a special hate in their heart for big cats, and this week our children's children will be made all the safer once the Red, Furry Menace that is the Jaguar is shoved into a bag and sent down the river by Brady and the boys. Patriot over Jaguar.

Justin: Giant versus Cowboy --

Cowboy: And that's how you make a Navajo buffalo chili dance ladies and gentleman. (laughter) And now our first guest hails from the Holve Mountains, where he just wiped out an adventuring party of dwarves on their hunt to save the world from an Illithid attack. Please welcome, Eli the Frost Giant.

(band plays menacing but jovial music. applause from audience)

Cowboy: So Eli, its great to have you back.

Giant: Thanks. It good to be here. Although it is a little warm in here.

Cowboy: Since you were here last, I hear you've had 32 children.

Giant: Yes, all stout and strong. They had their mother's eyes. And of course they had my nose.

Cowboy: Had?

Giant: Sadly, I ate them.

(audience mixture of gasps and groans)

Giant: I am still growing and I get hungry. Besides, Mephistopheles insists that I do his bidding in his war with Asmodeus and since I have made a blood oath to the dark master, I have to do what he says. I don't quite know to what purpose the dark lord of the eight would have in me eating children, but as they say in New Amsterdam, "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Cowboy: I gotta tell ya Eli, every time we meet I think you just get uglier and stupider. I mean, you serve Mephistopheles, he's cursed you with only being able to win on the road, besides here of course, you are always living in the shadow of your older brother, Yarl, he's disfigured your face so that no one will love you, and now he has you eating your own children?

Giant: Hey, what can I do? I was drafted to the North and the cold weather and the sauerkraut eventually gets to you.

Cowboy: Well, that does Eli. I think my audience has had enough of you this last season. I out wrestled you here twice already bit this time I think the everybody knows what time it is.

Audience:(unison) ITS SMITH AND WESSON TIME!!

Giant: Aw, please don't. I promise to give up my evil ways. I'll tell Mephistopheles that I am through.

Cowboy: (draws gun) You can tell him yourself.

Cowboy over Giant

See more stories in:

• Football > NFL