Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Finished Flash’s Dick Move

by Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we engaged in a spirited discussion on where the Nashville Predators should move to: Houston, Seattle, or Mexico City? And to all of you who wrote in to remind me that I'd not listed Hamilton or Winnipeg, Canada on that list --you might want to tell the Mounties to warm up the snowmobile, it looks like an abominable snowman has stolen your universal health care. I was going to use this week's column to praise Gary Bettman --I know, I know, just let me finish!-- for his announcement that the NHL's new sister league, the PLETFL (Pregnant Lady Extreme Tackle Football League), is ready to go and will be showcased on ESPN8 'The Ocho' in place of hockey. Way to go, Bettman! The previews look great!

Unfortunately, my plans to wax philosophic on the new league were overshadowed by dark, forbidding news coming out of Anaheim: namely, that Teemu Selanne, the "Finished Flash", had decided to come out of quasi-retirement and re-join the Ducks with 28 games left in the season. Strangely, most hockey writers acted surprised and/or enthused: very few of them called shenanigans, or referred to Teemu's "decision" by what it really was: a dick move.

The last time a dick move of this magnitude cast a sickening shadow over the sport was in 2001-02, when Peter "The Swedish Swan" Forsberg conveniently missed every single game of the regular season before joining the Colorado Avs in the playoffs, playing 20 games before they lost to the Detroit Red Wings, who had a dick move of their own going on that year by throwing wads of cash at the Stanley Cup. (In this case, much like when Gollum falls into Mount Doom and thereby simultaneously destroys himself and Sauron, two dicks cancel each other out).

Of course, The Flipfloppish Flash wants us to think it was all his idea, that Brian Burke couldn't possibly have ordered himself and Scott Neidermayer to sit out for most of the season in order for Burke to save huge amounts of cash. Burke is quickly becoming the Brian Belichick of the NHL, and much like the Patriots coach has been seen downing 25-cent Keystone Lights down by the bus station behind Disneyland where he lures unsuspecting homeless to harvest their delicious human brains. More on that later.

It remains to be seen whether The Finnish Flush will have any real impact on his team, which seems to be struggling even more than the Zubov-less Stars right now. How will the hockey gods view this slap in the face? The regular season exists for a reason, and for a team/player to loudly proclaim that they are above the game itself cannot go down lightly with the gods in their great Hall of Hockey Heroes. My prediction? Someone gets smited, big-time. George Parros might want to skate with his head up from now until season's end: those lightning bolts come down awful fast. Also might want to check the cables on that Jumbotron at the Honda Center. I've seen Final Destination 2, I know what havoc Fate is capable of wreaking.

Elsewhere in the division, the San Jose Sharks are tied with the Stars, and allegedly have the advantage because of four "games-in-hand". Rather, three games-in-hand, considering they just wasted one getting their butts kicked by Calgary last night. On the positive side, their Pronger/Neidermayer/Beauchemin/Schneider d-corps didn't just give up 5 goals to a low-scoring te--oh, wait, nevermind. On an real positive note, it seems impatient Sharks fans, and possibly management, are fed up with Patrick Marleau, and are looking to trade him. I have one thing to say to Sharks management: feel your anger! Give in to your hatred! The Sharks don't know what they have in Marleau, and if he gets traded to anyone other than Detroit, that would seriously rock my balls. The guy is a defensive nightmare, scores back-breaking goals, and even if he's slumping this year offensively is still, probably, a franchise player in the prime of his career. Sounds like primo trade bait to me.

Sticking with the Division, the Phoenix Coyotes are looking awfully scary right now, and if the season ended today would be the fourth Pacific Division team in the 8-team Western Conference playoff bracket. Would that be some sort of record? Anyways, if that does happen, the number of divisional games the Stars would have to play would probably increase from 32 to like 50 just to get to the Cup Finals. Awesome. Thanks, Gretzky.... ho-tard. Tell Your wife I said "'Sup."

Seriously, the Coyotes are looking good since they picked up Brian Burke's old backup goalie Ilya Bryzgalov for free. That, and Gretsky is getting tons of mileage out his young players, who are stealing minutes from his old, ineffective players that have kept the team down in the standings for what seems like a decade. When was the last time the Coyotes were any good? Since moving to Phoenix, they've never advanced past the first round of the playoffs, which they've never even made since 2001-02. Granted, they're not all that and a bag of chips just yet, but they're trending in the right direction.

As for the Kings... ahhh, best not to mention them in the same breath as teams that are actually trying to play hockey at an NHL level.

The Stars are treading water, having gone 6-8-1 yet still managing a tie for 2nd place in the Conference. They're playing sub-.500 hockey without their best player, Sergei Zubov, have a hard time holding onto leads and, most disturbingly, their powerplay sans Sergei looks like the sidewalk after I've vomited up a evening's worth of twinkies and lighter fluid. Even then, they've won more games than I ever thought possible with him out of the lineup, which is great news: Turco's been stealing games left and right, especially since our three rookie defensemen have recently looked an awful lot like rookie defensemen. Not leaning so heavily on the powerplay --and by extension, your defensemen-- to score all of your goals bodes well for this Dallas team later on. If they can win the Pacific over media darlings San Jose and Anaheim, that would make May 1st the Greatest Christmas Ever! Brian Engblom can go eat his hair, or whatever it is that's sickeningly fastened itself to his cranium.

That's it for this divisional update episode of the Cupcheck. Tune in next week when Craig Ludwig rocks the hockey world by announcing he's coming out of retirement to help the Stars make their final playoff push.

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