Contradictory crooks in Hurst steal razors, Rogaine

by Chad Jones

It's that time again. The Hurst Police Department has released its weekly Crime Updates for both businesses and residences within the city. The following crimes were reported between Sunday May 25 and Saturday May 31:

Side effects of Rogaine include looking like you just narrowly survived the dump of a lifetime.

The case of the renegade Rogaine

Around 11:26 a.m. on Monday, at a "large retail store" on 1700 Precinct Line Road (COUGH the Wal-Mart Supercenter), two bandits made off with "large quantities" of razors and Rogaine. Suspect #2 would stand at the end of the aisle, reading the label of an item, acting as a lookout while Suspect #1 swiped the goods. (Suspect #1: Hispanic Male, light-colored shirt, blue jeans, splint or brace on right hand. Suspect #2: Hispanic Male, light-colored shirt, blue jeans).

(A half-hour of )"no" means "no"

At 12:45 pm on Thursday the 29th, a woman was followed near/in the Northeast Mall (1100 Melbourne Road) for approximately thirty minutes by a man who kept trying to offer to pay her for sex. Studies indicate the first fifteen minutes of "no" to such advances would turn the average man away. Persistence. (Suspect: White or Hispanic Male, mid-20s – early 30s, 6’00” – 6’02”, short dark hair, dark green short-sleeved polo shirt, khaki pants)

Pepper in some assault

Later this fine evening at 8 p.m., at the very mall, two people got into an argument in the parking lot after one hit the other with her car door. When the victim (gender unknown, so we can't be certain of a catfight) told the hitter to "be more careful," the suspect cursed at the victim, an argument ensued, ending with the suspect spraying the victim with pepper spray (Suspect: black female driving a black Ford Expedition SUV).

Never forget.

Fly-by theft

Someone broke into a hobby shop located at 1300 Norwood Drive between Tuesday at 7:00pm and Wednesday at 10:49am, taking with them several model airplanes. And flying off into the sunset.

T.P. terrorism

Bell High School (1601 Brown Trail) was attacked by unknown suspects (COUGH—teenage students—COUGH) around 3 a.m. on Tuesday. The hooligans/future carwash employees spray-painted and toilet-papered the building. Toilet paper? Funny. Spray-paint? Pretty lame, particularly if a penis was drawn somewhere, which it probably was.

Why not to trust the human race

Back at the mall, on Tuesday at 2 p.m., a suspect/customer at a department store asked to borrow an emloyee's mobile phone. The suspect then left. (Suspect: White Female, 50-59 yoa, 5’05”, 220 lbs, short brown hair, green eyes, blue/white striped shirt, blue jean shorts).