Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Dominating Today’s Youth

by Todd Maternowski

Hola, hockey fans! Last week we went over how hard it must suck to be a Penguins fan at this specific time of the year. This week, I was planning on writing my annual Mapping the Chicago Blackhawks Parade Route column, when a minor, almost insignificant detail just narrowly failed to escape my attention: the Detroit Red Wings have, once again, bored the tears out of the hockey world and won yet another Stanley Cup.

For all four of you who were sitting in a prison cell without access to a remote, Game 6 of the Finals on NBC was a barn-burner for the ages. It's not everyday the Finals-winning series-clinching goal results from a goalie plopping on his butt and having the puck squirt into the net like so many vulcanized diarrhea cakes. Truly that had to be The Greatest Goal in Red Wings History. I would be shocked --shocked!!-- if the Detroit PR machine (at this point, probably composed of three interns working for free government cheese) didn't center next year's 2009 Season Ticket push around that telegenic goal.

Even more tellingly, the Red Wings themselves probably watched the powerful, puck-launching 23-year-old bowels of Marc-Andre Fleury and pined longingly for the days when they could excrete waste without the aid of a half-gallon of ex-lax. Those crazy, meddling kids might have been schooled by the veteran Wings, but at least they won the far-more coveted Stanley Bowl.

Above: Sidney Crosby raises his hands in frustration after yet another no-call

So now that a European captain has lead his team to a Cup victory, what can NHL fans expect from this development? Wave after wave of Canadian mass suicides? The grounds around Toronto slick with the fat from the mountains of skulls towering over the deserted city skyline? Don Cherry rolling in his grav--er, banana-suit?

In actuality, all you Canadians can put those cyanide capsules and heavy maces away: despite my irrational hatred for all things Red Wings, I'll be the first to admit that Nick Lidstrom is the best hockey player of the last ten years. The smooth-talking ladykiller has simply dominated every aspect of hockey since he was a rookie, and when all is said and done (which is hopefully sooner than later), Lidstrom should go down as one of the greatest defensemen in NHL history.

If that's what it takes for a Euro to captain to the Cup, then so be it. Enjoy it now, you wearing-all-black BMW-driving quiche-eating public transit-using art gallery-attending herb-smoking France-invading socialist weasels: maybe in thirteen years, when the grizzled veteran Ovechkin is traded at the deadline to the Chicago Blackhawks for one more run at the Cup, you'll be able to celebrate wildly in the streets once again.

Or in fifteen years, when Annti Miettinen captains the 2023 Mexico City Predators to El Cupo de Stanley.

But in the here and now, this week belongs to the Detroit Red Wings: it's been a long time since we've witnessed this level of hockey dominance. In fact, I had to search long and hard to find this amazingly short list of Things More Dominant Than the 2008 Detroit Red Wings:

--A pit with four hundred meth-addicted gorillas armed with flaming chainsaws

--Ninja Jesus

--The 19-0 New England Patriots

--The Financial Aid Office at the University of Chicago

--Satan himself, but only when accompanied by an army of ridiculously hot succubi riding other ridiculously hot succubi as steeds

--Billy Ocean

--The 2023 Matamoros Maple Leafs

--A time-travelling pirate ship crewed by 20 identical clones of Mike Ditka

--Optimus Prime

--The Russian Mafia

Reportedly the Red Wings are trying to sign Xenu to a minor-league contract for 2009

--The 2008 New York Metrosexuals

--Crom

--Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen head

--Xenu

--Satan and his succubi again, but this time swinging even more ridiculously hot succubi as weapons

--A whole planet of Wookies

--Golf's TV Ratings

As you can see, it's a very short list. I was going to include Aaron Downey, but since he is technically a member of the 2008 Detroit Red Wings, his inclusion on this list would create a endlessly recursive meta-badass loop, leading to a rip in the fabric of the Time-Awesomeness Continuum. And nobody wants that. Except maybe the Penguins last night.

So fret not, Stars fans: you lost to the best, most complete hockey team in perhaps the last two decades. And unlike the media darling Penguins, you never once got shut out, or went 16 minutes in an elimination game with just a single shot on goal, multiple times. Stars = Not whiny little bitchez! Huzzah!

That's it for this week's always-informative, fact-filled Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I make my list of Things Less Dominant Than the 2009 Red Wings (#4: Care bears eating go-gurts).