Thursday, June 12, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Report Cards are for Hockey Nerds

By Todd Maternowski

God dag, hallå, hockey solfjäder! Vad enorm balerna du måste har! Now that we are officially in the "off-season", let me be the first to salute our new Swedish overlords! Gå fuck dig , du lura knogas! (I think I just said something about catching a tram to the National Museum?) Last week, we explored the nicks and crannies of the Old Wing's lopsided victory over the Younguins. This week, I was planning on dedicating the Cupcheck to writing my annual "Stockholm: the New Capital of Canada?", when I realized I had not yet written a single paean to the Dallas Stars yet! To think!--all that valuable internet ink, wasted on something as trivial and unnoticed as the Stanley Cup Finals. For shame, indeed.

What can we say about the 2007-08 Dallas Stars that has not already been written hundreds of times over? What new information can we possibly glean from the picked-over corpse of the Stars, desiccating in the noonday sun atop the rafters at the AAC? What can I get away with printing that would normally get a Dallas Morning News hockey writer fired for obscenity? For this one I was going to have to go deeper than Mr. Ed in those late-career grainy 9mm Mexican hardcore films. I was going to have to get a quicker turnaround than Lucifer Bear's head in Care Bears XIII: Bloodfeast. I was going to have to write a semi-serious hockey column for the first time in my life, and, unlike Kris Draper's wife, this was not going to be easy.

First of all, it's best to get the obvious stuff out of the way: the Stars' 2007-08 season was a complete failure, a bust of epic proportions, a choke job of the highest nature. Not coming back from 0-3 to win four straight against the most dominant team in hockey will forever be a mark of shame on the once-proud Stars franchise, which will need to work hard to get out from under the shadow of dismal defeat in order to make a better tomorrow for themselves.

The testicles of Swedish men not fit enough to play for the Red Wings are ritualistically fried and eaten

However, despite the ignominious collapse, it's not yet time for Stars fans to wet themselves in a dark corner: there are still some glimmers of hope to glean from the 2007-08 season. Several players performed admirably in the face of playoff annihilation, and some even played somewhat decently in the meaningless regular season that led up to said playoffs. Here's an in-depth analysis of each Dallas Star, along with a grading system to rank them individually according to performance. I was going to refuse to use the "A-F" grading method, as it's a pointlessly arbitrary system that has no basis in hockey reality, and use salary figures instead, but at the very last second was overwhelmed with a feeling of the most intense, extreme laziness imaginable --so all of you who flunked out of 8th grade Texas History will have to re-live your anguish and shame for the duration of this column. Sorry, losers! More on that later.

Forwards

Brenden Morrow - Regular season A+, playoffs Z+. After looking through my handy hockey writers' reference guide Tickle Me Elmo's A-B-C 1-2-3, I wasn't able to find a letter that was even better than 'A', so in order to accurately grade Morrow's playoff performance, I had to loop back around to the 'Zs'. Morrow finally lived up to his mensch abilities in this year's playoffs, and I shutter to think of the grade I would have to make up had he not played through injury during the entire Red Wings series. I would probably have to abandon the Roman alphabet and go straight to the hieroglyphic representing the ancient Egyptian god Osiris, Lord of Grain and Purveyor of Asskick.

Mike Ribeiro - Regular season A+, playoffs B+. Ribeiro gave the Stars, already long accustomed to Former Canadien Dominance, hope for the next half-decade with his regular season performance. Ribeiro also got the Zubov-less Stars powerplay through the penalty-lovin' Ducks in the first round, before disappearing in the final 6-8 games or so. Then again, Crosby and Hossa didn't exactly fare much better against the Lidstrom/Rafalski d-line either.

Mike Modano - Regular season B+, playoffs B+. The old man still has the skillz to pay Willa's billz, even if he doesn't always play with much motivation. He eventually accepted his diminished role as third-line checking-center-that-can-score, even if that meant compromising and giving him undeserved minutes on the powerplay. The sight of Modano on the point was not a pretty one 96% of the time, but it did manage to get us some key goals against the Sharks.

Brad Richards - Regular season Incomplete, playoffs B. Richards showed flashes of being the Steve Nash of hockey, and Stars fans will undoubtedly have a long and fruitful love-hate relationship with his assists/lack of defense/price tag for years to come.

Jere Lehtinen - Regular season A-, playoffs Incomplete. Had Jere been there, the Stars may have swept the Wings in three and a forfeit, but since he was injured it's all water under the bridge at this point. Lehtinen dominated when present, and was sorely missed when he was out of the lineup. As usual, whatever line he was put on was almost always the best line on the ice for either team, in both the regular season and playoffs. Also, Jere is effing metal.

Could this relative unknown someday become the Brad Richards of the NBA?

Niklas Hagman - Regular season A-, playoffs D. For a while, Hagman was an unstoppable force capable of making the hockey world forget there ever was a Gretzky. Then he scored a hat trick in a late February game, and completely disappeared after that. He managed to nearly single-handedly win one game against the Sharks, but was not a factor in any real playoff sense afterwards. Can he learn to bury the half-dozen chances he gets every game due to his superior skating and hard work? Yes. Yes he can.

Antti Miettinen - Regular season C, playoffs F. Actually, he's not all that bad for a 7th round draft pick, but other than a two-week period where he dominated the league on our first line, the only thing Miettinen was good for was making sure opposing defensemen got on Sportscenter's Devastating Open-Ice Checks of the Week. I used to think "Well hey, he's not bad for a 3rd or 4th line player", until I saw him routinely lose every puck battle in a ten-mile radius during the playoffs. Count me out of the PPrroo Miettinen camp.

Loui Eriksson - Regular season B, playoffs B+. For a rookie, Eriksson impressed on every level, especially against the Ducks when it seemed he was a Finn Possessed. Perhaps there is only enough Goal-Scoring JuJu for one Finn at a time on any given team, as Eriksson really started to pick it up only after Hagman's production dropped off the face of the planet Earth. A team with two Jere Lehtinens can only be Unstoppably Awesome.

Stu Barnes - Regular season A, playoffs A-. Team leader, flawless penalty killer, game-winning playoff goal scorer: would anyone even remember the 2007-08 Wings had he been able to play in that series? Probably not.

Steve Ott - Regular season A, playoffs A-. Were Morrow not already El Jefe, Ott would make a perfect Fearless Leader for this team. Long considered a first-round bust by impatient fans, Ott came into his own this season and showed how to dominate a game without scoring a goal. Unless it was an empty-netter against a divisional rival to close out an emotional victory.

Joel Lundqvist - Regular season Incomplete, playoffs A-. Due to family problems and a slow start, the Lundqvist we all know and love did not show up until late in the season, then truly kicked in in the playoffs, where he was a Swedish manimal. Someday, perhaps next season, he will be able to face his twin brother in the Stanley Cup Finals: mark my words.

Defensemen

Sergei Zubov - Regular season Incomplete, playoffs B. For the first half of the season, Zubov was having a career year, picking up where 1994 left off. Then he got unwanted national media exposure (for which I duly apologize), got three or four simultaneous injuries and never fully recovered. His game in the playoffs was good, but he was obviously hurting and had an apparent disconnect with the rest of the team, as all those shorthanded goals-against attest. But The Professor is still one of the top three d-men in all the league, and hopefully doesn't retire before passing on his Secret Wisdom to Niskanen and Vishnevskiy.

Stephane Robidas - Regular season A, playoffs A+. Had the Stars won the Cup, Robidas would have rightfully deserved the Conn Smythe, as the long-overlooked d-man was more instrumental in getting Dallas to the Conference Finals than any other skater. The guy just did so much right, it's practically blasphemous to even try to remember his gaffes and defensive lapses. He's like the Pete Rose of hockey, sans the addictions to gambling and lying.

Matt Niskanen - Regular season B-, playoffs D. Nisky started strong, got some accolades as an offensive defensemen, and then quickly became the most glaring problem on the back end for the second half of the season. His playoffs were brutal to watch, even after Zubov came back, but that's par for the course when you're dealing with a high-risk, high-reward defenseteenager.

Trevor Daley - Regular season B-, playoffs A-. Long the most criticized of all the Stars' defensemen, Daley quietly and efficiently improved his game over the course of the year, peaking when he should have (during the playoffs) and giving cynical Stars fans reasons to believe that he might, someday, be the Real Deal. Daley is a rock out there on 3-on-5s, and even showed a goal-scoring touch in the playoffs that has long been missing from his regular season repertoire.

Phillippe Boucher - Regular season I, playoffs I. Our second-best defenseman was MIA all season, and playing injured in the few games he did appear on the ice. Without the ability to skate or shoot, he was a liability on the ice, but should be infinitely better in his next injury-free season, if that day ever comes.

Mattias Norstrom - Regular season D, playoffs B+. Norstrom was clearly the weakest link in our D-corps for long stretches of the season, practically begging the Stars to cut him and his overinflated salary in order to make room for the young guys. But he seemed to hit a different gear in the playoffs --thank Swedish God-- giving hockey one more go before he retires to Stockholm to become a millionaire carpenter or Viking longship captain or whatever. I would hire him just to stand in the back of the room and look menacing, if I could afford it --fortunately, the Stars won't have to next season.

Nicklas Grossman - Regular season A-, playoffs B. Grossman was our very own Rock of Gibraltar for most of the regular season, eschewing the normal mistakes a rookie defenseman makes in favor of flawless, simple and effective game. He tailed off a bit in the playoffs against superior veteran forwards, but should easily be the quiet, mistake-free stay-at-home d-man protecting Dallas' net for the next decade or so.

The Coming of Mark Fistric, pictured, was foretold in the Elder Scrolls

Mark Fistric - Regular season A-, playoffs I. Of all the Stars' young players, none impressed as much on a nightly basis as much as Fistric. This guy was at the bottom of the defensive pecking order, but despite his age and inexperience routinely dominated the other nine players on the ice like a Giant Among Men. Devastating checks, smart play in all three zones, an ability to clear the puck strangely missing from some of our vets, and the occasional unlikely burst of skating ability officially makes Fistric my official Most Watchable Dallas Star. Nary a shift went by this season/playoffs where Fistric didn't impress on some level, and while usually it's a bad sign to consistently notice rookie defensemen every time they take the ice, Fistric made sure 98% of his shifts were akin to the Second Coming of MatviHatcher.

Goalies

Marty Turco - Regular season B+, playoffs A-mazing. Turco was alternately amazing and frustrating during the meaningless regular season, then went all Belfourian during the playoffs, carrying the team as far as he could before they faced the apparently-unstoppable Wings. Still, without three of their top five defensive players, the Stars managed to hold the Wings in check far better than any other playoff team, and a great deal of the credit has to go to Turco. And for those who doubted Marty's postseason ability, I've got two words: Game Six Quadruple Overtime Epic Effing Win Baby!!

Various Assorted Backup Goalies - Regular season A-. Smith and Stephan showed flashes of brilliance, and Smith will be missed. Holmquist? Not so much.

Well, that's it for this week's yawn-busting eyelid-opening kidney-puncturing Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I fondly recall the household names Jari Tolsa, Andrei Maximenko, Kent McDonell, Jiri Fischer, Maxim Linnik, Ryan Barnes, Tomek Valtonen, Jake McCracken, Brent Hobday, Calle Steen, and Adam Deleeuw, all players selected by the mouth-breathing morons in Detroit before Zetterberg and Datsyuk. Hah! Chodes.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Blowing Your Mind, Salary Cap-Style (June 19, 2008)
• Pegasus News Week in View: Friday the 13th Father’s Day Edition (June 12, 2008)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars