Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Stars Improbable Comeback Begins

by Todd Maternowski

Howdy, hockey fans! Last week we learned a valuable lesson in the art and timing of smack-talking, as I predicted a Stars victory over the Dead Wings in seven. First, the Good News: I'm still technically right! The Bad: the Stars now have less than zero room to maneuver, and cannot afford to make a single mistake for the rest of the series. However, once they get into the next round to face Pittsburgh, they get a fresh new set of games to give away! Huzzah!

In actuality, going down 3-0 in the series is precisely what the Dallas Stars need. With no room for error, no time for slacking off, the Stars are now presented with but a single option: attack or die! As anyone who has ever played Unreal Tournament or tried to go #2 in a public restroom knows, if you stand still --you're going to get shot in the head, no matter how carefully you picked out your sniper position. The Stars are down to their last guy now, and must overcome the Red Wings and their endless barrage of cheat codes, unfair weapon advantages and decades of fast-twitch training if they are to win this series. Which they will.

The Stars, pictured, looked a little out of their league heading into Game Three

Frankly --and while no Stars fan will admit this publicly-- this is exactly how this series is supposed to play out. With the lopsided history between these two clubs, one in which the Red Wings have dominated like a bloodthirsty KillDozer in an unattended KinderTot Daycare-- it would not be "enough" to beat the Wings in five, six, or even seven games. Stars fans need closure. We need catharsis. We need a historic and unforgettable upset. Detroit fans may have long forgotten the 1998 Conference Finals, but no true Stars fan has. But coming back from a 0-3 deficit to beat the Wings in their own building? Now that's the series we want!

In that light, Phase 1 (Stars provide Infinite Suckage in first three games) and Phase 2 (Stars win in controversial Game Four) are already gong swimmingly. But how will the rest of the series play out, you may ask? For that, we must consult the Blueprint of Recent History: in 2004, the Boston Red Sox were, once again, curled up in the fetal position, taking unspeakable sexual acts up their every orifice by the New York Yankees. For those unaware of the past 80+ years of baseball history, the Red Sox have always been just good enough to get to a position to where they would lose to the Yankees in the playoffs, who, in turn, would win some 487 or so championships over the discarded carcasses of Boston players and fans.

In 2004, It Was Happening Again. In Game 1 of the American League Championship, the Yankees used their home-field advantage and superiority in players and pitching to put up a three-run victory. (Yes, Stars fans, much like the Wings did in Game 1 of this series. But hold on, there's more!)

In Game 2, the Red Sox were far more competitive, as Pedro Martinez and Jon Lieber threw a near-scoreless pitching duel. New York eventually scored anyways, winning 3-1 in a close, tightly-contested game. (Ahem! Wings 2, Stars 1)

In Game 3, everything fell apart for the Sox. Despite playing their first game at home, they absolutely got raped in every aspect of the game, losing 19-8 in front of a shellshocked home crowd. At this point, the Yankees appeared unstoppable, the Red Sox appeared to be dead in the water, and people were already looking ahead to the inevitable Yankees-Someone Else World Series (I'd prefer not to mention the Stars' sorry effort in Game 3).

But not one kid! As I vaguely recall watching on the Daily Show or someplace, one gangly young Sox fan went on national TV with a theory: that the Red Sox now had the Yankees precisely where they wanted them. This was how it was "supposed" to happen, and that nine decades of pathetic losing and lamentation could only be forcibly expelled from the fans' collective psyches with an all-time historic comeback. People laughed at this straightforward thinker, including myself. Pshaw! What tomfoolery! What naivety!

This picture will be far more delicious after we take Game Seven on Detroit ice

Then what happened? In Game 4, the Red Sox won by two runs (Stars 3, Wings 1), in a game with a controversial squeeze play and some tough, smart performances from Boston's regulars (Modano, Morrow) and unsung heroes (Loui Eriksson, Steve Ott) alike.

As million of dead French soldiers know only too well, History always repeats itself. And in Game 5 on Saturday, look for the Stars to squeak out another close one --the Red Sox won by 1 run in the bottom of the 14th inning in their Game Five-- followed by a two-goal victory in Game 6, and a blowout victory for the surging Stars on Detroit ice in Game Seven.

If not? Well, there's always next year --as History again tells us, the Stars had to lose to the Wings in the Conference Finals ten years ago before they could win the Cup the following year. So either way, the rest of the league is pretty much effed in the A.

Tune in next week, when I nominate myself for First Prize in the 2008 I Told You So Awards. I promise my acceptance speech will be short: I have nothing but lost brain cells and hypercaffeinated amped-up energy drinks to thank. Oh, and Ba'al, in whose name I sacrificed a live Siberian tiger in the second intermission of Game Four. Sorry, Sigfried: it had to be done.