Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Stars Improbable Comeback Hits a Minor Snag

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week I laid out the Dallas Stars' time-tested blueprint for 0-3 playoff success: this week, I was planning on accepting my Miss Cleo in the 2008 I Told You So Awards, but due to recent events --namely, the Stars' gutless performance in Game 6 against Detroit-- those awards have been postponed until June 2009. In their place, I'm accepting my prize in the far more prestigious and respectable Ignore Everything I Said Just Now Awards, during which I won several Reggie Whites, the single highest honor in professional sportswriting.

Still, despite the Stars morbidly disappointing lack of effort in the first two periods of Game 6, there was much to be optimistic about. For example, there is still breathable oxygen in the sky, and the waters of the seven oceans have not yet turned to liquid sulfur. Also, hailstones the size of Buicks have not yet begun to rain down upon our malnourished corpses. So there's that.

Henrik Zetterberg, pictured, finds your lack of faith disturbing

I suppose there's a couple of other things to be thankful about, like the fact that the Red Wings were an unstoppable force of pure and unadulterated evil, hell-bent on forcing the hockey world to sniff their disgusting taint once again. The young Stars put up a fight, and will undoubtedly be the only team to do so to Detroit this postseason, but it was not enough: much like my early childhood, experience and evil won the day, while youth and righteousness were kicked to the curb, covered in rat feces and beaten about the head with a rolled-up copy of Hustler.

In other, more up-beat news, Dallas does have history on its side. As was writ in the Ancient Scrolls, over ten years ago the young Stars went up against the unstoppable Red Wings --without their #2 center, their top scoring winger and their #4 defenseman-- and lost in six games, only to win the Cup the following year. As any student of French military history knows, History Always Repeats Itself: there are far too many similarities in these two series to completely dismiss the undeniable fact that the Stars will win the Cup next season.

Much was made of the Wings being without their #3 scorer Franzen, but relatively little was mentioned about Dallas not playing a single game with their #1 defensive forward and powerplay extraordinaire, Jere Lehtinen. Or their third-line checking center and game-winning goal scorer Stu Barnes. Or their #2 defenseman Philippe Boucher. Or the fact that they had to play checking-bag Antti Miettinen big minutes due to said injuries. Heck, we even dressed alleged dwarf Chris Conner for a game out of desperation. Take Franzen, Draper and Rafalski out of the Red Wing lineup and see how well they do in a playoff series.

But that's all bridge under the water now. Ancient history, never to be repeated and doomed to be completely forgotten: the really important fact is that the Stars totally ruled, while 28 other teams totally drooled. And since the Wings will probably sweep, you could make a case --you'd be foolish not to-- that the Stars lost the "real" Stanley Cup Finals, since a five-guy team like the Pens wouldn't stand a chance against either the Wings or the Stars (or the Ducks, Sharks, or Blackhawks, for that matter). So as the #2 team in the NHL, there's little to hang one's head about --especially considering that the Stars are an up-and-coming team, while the team that defeated them is a couple of years away from adult diapers, AARP memberships and Matlock reruns.

Will the youngest team in the NHL beat the oldest? Not bloody likely

The number of Dallas Stars who are in their first or second year of professional hockey (8) is almost as high as the number of Red Wings over the age of 35 (9). And these are young guns logging big minutes in key situations: Eriksson, Lundqvist, Grossman, Niskanen, Fistric and crew will be the core of this team for the next decade, and got their valuable playoff experience in early. Other members, such as Morrow (29), Ott (25), Ribeiro (28), Richards (28), and perhaps even Daley (24) are in the prime of their careers. Only a handful of Old Guys remain: Modano (37), Lehtinen (34), Turco (32), Boucher (35) and Zubov (hewn from the living rock) are there to provide veteran guidance, rather than carry the burden of the team on their shoulders.

Unlike past Stars teams, in which the average age was Julio Franco-esque, this team actually has plenty to look forward to. It's never a bad thing to be the #2 team in the NHL in a rebuilding year. Can you imagine if the Texas Rangers became the #2 team in major league baseball? Right, it's physically impossible to even conceive of such a fairy-tale fantasy world. But the Stars have accomplished exactly that.

For the first time in a decade, it feels good to have a winning team with long-term and short term expectations. Especially when no one nationally took the Stars seriously: early on, they were a team with no scoring that would miss the playoffs entirely. Then, they were the first-round playoff patsies the Ducks would make quick work of. Then, they were a one-time-lucky speedbump on San Jose's unstoppable Cup run. Finally, they were overmatched giant killers about to get swept by the best.

That's why the national hockey media gets paid the big buck$$!!

Hats off to the Wings: while normally I can't stand the way they play and get every call imaginable, I still can't help but watch them and feel impressed. Much like how Phil Jackson has more seasons with titles than seasons without titles, the Wings surprise me when they have less-than-perfect shifts. The top offense, the top defense, the most effective goaltender, best powerplay and best penalty-kill. They're the '85 Bears of hockey, and it will probably be a long, long time before we see another team like this, especially with the perennial Real NHL MVP Nick Lidstrom retiring in 2-3 years (hopefully!).

With Zetterberg, Datysuk, Franzen, Lidstrom, Kronwall and Osgood, you can just go ahead and back up the awards truck now

The Penguins may think that beating up the sad-sack Flyers (when they were down their top two d-men) in five is something akin to an actual accomplishment, but anyone who's carefully watched the Red Wings knows better. Heck, with an amazing combination of skill, luck, bad/rigged/bought-off-by-Bettman officiating, the Pens may actually win either Game 3 or Game 4 to force a series-clinching Game 5 on Detroit ice. But I'm not betting on it: not that I could anyways, since gambling if forbidden for us Ba-al worshipping Zealots of Hextor, the Six-Armed One.

As for the Stars, I toyed with the idea of giving each player Playoff and Pre-Playoff "grades", but since hockey is a team sport, they all get an 'A' for playoffs and a 'B+' for Pre-Playoffs. That's right, even Miettinen gets an 'A'! Individual awards in a team sport are foolish and inaccurate --unless you're talking about professional NFL quarterbacks, who deserve all the glory and supermodels they can afford on their meager salaries.

That said, tune in next week when I unveil my Who Rocked and Who Sucked Individual Awards for the Stars! You'll want to be wearing your best tux-and-tails (sequined evening gowns for the ladiez) when you're reading that one! Will Brad Winchester win the Best Healthy Scratch this year? And will Zubov pull down his 12th straight Disgruntled Cabbie Lookalike Award? Is Mike Modano finally going to break through and get the coveted Best Unabomber Beard trophy? Get the popcorn and the pickle juice ready!

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Sorry, Penguin Fans (May 29, 2008)
• Pegasus News Week in View: Memorial Day Planning Edition (May 22, 2008)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars

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