Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Sports Announcers Edition

by Mike Bullock , Chris Curotolo , Todd Maternowski , Justin Smith

It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Marv Albert (illicitly taped by Justin), John Madden (channeled through notable turkducken proponent Mike B.), Tony Kornheiser (via his mustache rider Todd) and Chris Berman (as told by a near-deaf Chris). They will offer their expert commentary on the megalomaniacal Week 9 clash between the Miami Dolphins and the Denver Broncos.

Marv Albert: "In what has turned into a perennial favorite matchup of mine, this weekend pits the visiting Miami Dolphins against the Denver Broncos. Denver has always had been an extremely interesting place for me. You see, I love to play Bronco. Bronco is the game where you snap the ball from behind and see how long you ride the line. And YES! A touchdown! But the only problem is Denver and its strict sexual assault penalties. There you don't get penalized ten yards for biting the opposing player. In Denver, they strap electrodes to your...and they....well, you get the picture. If only I could play Bronco in Miami this weekend. But alas, dear Cutler, you can try the Dirty Sanchez if she's willing. Yes! The Facial!"

John Madden: "If you look between the X's & O's here. The Bronco's are going to pound the ball up the middle all day. Jay Cutler has an arm like Brett Favre, he's going to have no problem with throwing the ball down the field. Being Halloween weekend the Dolphins have shown that they have a few tricks up their sleeve. The direct snaps to Ronnie Brown can spell trouble for the Broncos. The Bronco's front line will push the piles and open holes for whoever is going to run the ball this weekend? I was talking to Brett Favre and he secretley wanted to play for the Dolphins. I mean, can you imagine farve throwing in Miami? it obviously it doesn't matter who you have catch the ball with a QB like Cutler. The Bronco's are going to buck the dolphins right out of town this weekend."

Tony Kornheiser: "You know what my favorite thing about Miami is? Do you know what it is? The chicks on South Beach! MAN, they are HOT!! Do you know, do you know what the opposite of that is? The opposite of the hot chicks? Chicks in Colorado! They are NOT HOT!! And you know what else is not hot? Do you? Yeah? You guessed it: my fantasy team! My #2 draft pick, Chad Pennington, is killing me! If he doesn't throw for 7 TD's and run for 3 more this week, I'm guaranteed another last-place finish in my league! That is NOT HOT!"

Chris Berman: "The Dolphins are going back back back back back to Denver to take on the Broncos in this regular season match up. Expect to see…what the? That's just rude…… when I'm doing predictions and I've got people downloading files in the background…..back and forth…I mean….jesus…ugh…

Ok, anyway so the Miami Dolphins have historically…..what the f**k? Seriously, you have to move the mouse right now when I'm trying to do predictions? It's not that much to ask? Jesus…I mean…g-damn what the? I'm trying to concentrate and I see this friggin cursor moving. Do you really have to surf while I'm trying to concentrate?

Ok, I'm alright…anyway…the Dolphins are back at Mile High for a…what the hell is wrong with you? Have you never used a computer before? Do you not know how rude it is to move a cursor or change a tab when I'm trying to give predictions? I can't believe what I just saw. Geeeeez.. Is that a dial tone?

I mean, seriously…the Swami enters these series of tubes known as the internet to give you predictions and all of a sudden you have to move the friggin mouse…you've had 2 hours to move the mouse…geez….sorry to explode like that. Dolphins lose to the Broncos…dammit."