Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Dallas Stars Trade Edition

by Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week, we tore the league office yet another new orifice, arguing valiantly for the existence of fights and physical play. This week, I was planning on holding a candlelight vigil in front of Mike Smith's house with my mariachi friends, when something happened, something so huge and awe-inspiring, that it rocked the NHL to its very core.

No, I'm not talking about the greatest face-melters in rock history: I'm referring, of course, to the Trade That Was Heard Round the World. For both of you who just woke up out of your two-week long coma (you know who I'm talking about), this week the Dallas Stars trade Philippe Boucher to the Pittsburgh Penguins for Darryl Sydor.

For God's sake!! Put that knife down! And put your pants back on!!

Trust me, Stars fans: although this may seem like the beginning of the Texas Hockey Apocalypse (that will only begin when we trade our three young d-men for Marian Gaborik, then sacrifice Garland's first-born sons on the blood-soaked black altars of Ba'al)(what's that? Really? When did we do that? Well, second-born, then), once you break it down, you find that the trade makes An Amazing Amount of Sense. In fact, I'm going to throw some statistics out there that will make you crap your pants from excitement!

Scientifically, there's only one way to compare the winner and loser of a trade at the moment it occurs: sweeping generalizations and who-shouts-loudest internet flamefests. But beyond these time-tested techniques, one can also look at the two players' bodies of work, and try and divulge which of the athletes is better, and which is better served serving butter sandwiches at the AAC upper-level concession stand.

With my trusty four-pound bag of crack and a Sugar-free Jolt, I set to work comparing the two. The results may surprise you.

Offensive Production: First things first, and when you're dealing with defensive defensemen, it's always best to start with their high-powered offensive numbers. Here's the breakdown from this season:

Sydor: 1 goal, 1 assist, +5

Boucher: 0 goals, 3 assists, -4

Obviously, the Stars got a naturally-gifted goal scorer in the trade, while losing quite a few assists. From these stats, one can tell that Boucher is a point-machine, while Steady Sydor likes to spread the offense around, dishing out assists on occasion but just as ready to put one in the net himself. As for the plus-minus, Sydor easily wins: it's the difference between a 0-0 tie and a 9-0 win with no powerplay goals. Those are numbers coaches can hang their hats on.

Experience: With both Sydor and Boucher being old fogeys, it's crucial to delve deep into the stats and see if old=experienced, or old=senile.

Sydor: 36 years old

Boucher: 35 years old

Clearly a big win for the Penguins here. An old and slow Sydor will drag down the Stars' once-high-flying offensive attack, while the plodding and predictable Pittsburgh offense will instantly be sparked by the vigor and pep of the vivacious Boucher. The Stars take a huge hit here, while the Pens may have just found the piece to make them exciting and relevant again.

Sydor: 16 years experience

Boucher: 15 years experience

Clearly a big win for the Stars here. With the additional experience, Sydor should be able to guide a troubled Stars locker room through rough waters, and make the eventual Stanley Cup playoff run an effortless cakewalk through the butter of the Western Conference. Boucher, on the other hand, will need to rely heavily on the more-experienced vets in the room in Pittsburgh, as the inexperienced d-man combines flashes of potential with the cringe-worthy mental mistakes of youth.

Physicality: As defensemen, both players will be called on to Bring the Pain on occasion. Which of the two will be most likely to lay some pretty-boy Shark forward out on the ice following a devastating open-ice shouldercheck?

Sydor: 6-1, 211 pounds

Boucher: 6-3, 221 pounds

Huge win for the Penguins, who apparently get one of the most massive physical specimens in the league in Boucher: recent archaeological evidence points to Boucher even towering over the Biblical Goliath, who was likely a paltry 6-2, 219 by comparison. As for the Stars, it's a good thing they have such a huge collection of tough guy enforcers, because a 211-pound pencil-necked weakling is unlikely to strike fear into the hearts of many grown men.

Background & History: Where do these players come from? Who are they? Why are they here? These are the questions we struggle with every day. Hockey players are no different, except that they're a superior class of human being to us. I've broken down the important categories for both, and will let you be the judge on which one is clearly better.

Sydor: Born in Alberta

Boucher: Born in Quebec

Classic East Coast-West Coast rivalry here.

Sydor: Drafted 7th overall in 1990

Boucher: Drafted 13th overall in 1991

Besides the obvious numerological differences between Lucky Seven and a Baker's Dozen, this comparison just goes to show how much more important Sydor has been in every stage of his career. The Stars dump a player that couldn't even get drafted in the final meaningless rounds of the 1990 draft, while picking up a player who was highly-coveted in the process.

Meaningless Trivia: These are pointless stats I couldn't find a place for in the Real Important categories. Make of them what you will.

Sydor: 1179 games played, 2-3 record in Stanley Cup Finals

Boucher: 724 games played, 0-0 record in Stanley Cup Finals

All this talk of trades has got me thirsty...... for more. It happens every November: the team gets off to a crappy start, and fans call for heads to roll, players to be waived and trades to moronically occur. Since fans love nothing more than to discuss possible trades of players specifically with no-trade clauses, here's a quick update on Stars Trade Live Bait: what the player was worth once, what they're worth now and what their real value is. As an added bonus, I've included what the player would fetch in a trade with the greatest GM of all time.

Marty Turco: Once worth: Brodeur and Scott Stevens, straight-up

Worth now: A small bucket of ice girl droppings

Really worth: Two DiPietro rookies and a Richard Bachman

Mike Milbury: "Game-ending turnovers in the crease are no different from 'gunslings'; throw in Brett Favre and a Luongo to be named later."

Jere Lehtinen: Once worth: Megan Fox's bathmat

Worth now: Troy Polamalu's toupee

Really worth: Half a Hagman

Mike Milbury: "Defense and being Swedish wins championships. Straight-up for Olli Jokinen and a Jokinen to be named later."

Mike Modano: Once worth: One Joe Sakic, Steve Yzerman or Alexei Yashin

Worth now: $50 dollar gift card to Sephora

Really worth: Joe Sakic, Steve Yzerman, and Alexei Yashin.

Mike Milbury: "I dreamt about Modano as Lead Centaur in my new Flying-V powerplay attack. Two Charas and an early Bertuzzi for the man-model."

Trevor Daley: Once worth: 1.5 Bouchers and a--wait, this one doesn't have a no-trade clause. Nevermind.

There you have it: a blueprint for other NHL GMs to walk all over the Stars in trade negotiations. Tune in next week when I break out my annual What I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving column. Your disturbing lack of faith may surprise you.

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