Friday, November 21, 2008

Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Unfunny Comedians Edition

By Mike Bullock , Chris Curotolo , Todd Maternowski , Justin Smith

It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Jerry Seinfeld, Yakov Smirnov and Sinbad (all of whom attend Todd's weekly Funny Walks 101 course down at the rec center). They will offer their expert commentary on the hilarious Week 12 clash between the Washington Redskins and the Seattle Seahawks.

Click on the pic for the laff riot!

Jerry Seinfeld: "I love the Washington Redskins. Love, love love that team. And how about that owner! That funny little Snyder!! He's funny because he's so small and has glasses. Am I right, people? And what's the deal with Clinton Portis? All those wacky costumes at press conferences, you'd think he was celebrating Halloween! Not the football game, but Halloween!! With all the costumes! And folks, what is the deal with the murder of Sean Taylor?! Am I right, people? So these guys just broke into his house and shot him in the leg? Ouch! I bet that hurt a lot! Holy cow, people, shot in the leg! Like one of those horses! They should name a horse after him, then shoot the horse in both legs! Am I right, people? Then maybe give the horse a gun and see who he shoots! Maybe some Redskins! Not the football players, but the real ones with their alcohol and smallpox! But then the horse would be a Cowboys fan, huh? Right? Am I right, people? A Cowboys fan? Especially with the gun! He probably rides himself to work! In Texas!"

Yakov Smirnov: "In Soviet Russia, Sean Taylor shoot you!"

Sinbad: "Redskins be different from Seahawks! You see, you see, you got your Redskins who run the ball all like dis (crouches low, covers his face with his hands), and the Seahawks, well, they be runnin' the ball like dis! (puts microphone down pants, farts) Seahawks don' need to go runnin' aroun!! Seahawks don' need no goddamn touchdown!! Dey cooler than dat! And ain't no one cooler than Chris Cooley of the Redskins! And when he catch a touchdown, he does dis dance in the endzone! (whips tiny penis out, spells out S-I-N-B-A-D on the unsuspecting front row). Dat's because Chris Cooley be crrr-azy! He so crazy! That white boy be crazy!"

Yakov Smirnov: "In Soviet Russia, Mike Holmgren eat you!"

Related stories

• Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Bad-Ass Mofos Edition (Nov. 27, 2008)

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• Football > NFL