Thursday, November 27, 2008

Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Bad-Ass Mofos Edition

By Mike Bullock , Chris Curotolo , Todd Maternowski , Justin Smith

It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.

This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Clint Eastwood, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ash Williams (all of whom are currently taking Todd's lunch money as you read this). They will offer their expert commentary on the face-kicking Week 13 dust-up between the Denver Broncos and the New York Jets.

Hail to the picks, baby

Clint Eastwood: "I know what you're thinking: are the Broncos 6th in the league in rushing offense, or fifth? Well, to tell the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a team that just got spanked by the Raiders at home, the most pathetic excuse for a team in the world, and would blow your grandpa for an offensive line coach -- you've got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky...charms?"

Van Damme: "A football has no soul, it's just a football. But before it was a pig. And in a pig there's the potential for life. When Brett Favre walks from my warm & inviting bed to my window, it takes him ten seconds, but for a bird it takes one second, and for oxygen zero seconds! Brett is beautiful, yet you cannot see him. He's soft, yet you cannot touch him. Brett's stubble is like a jackhammer in an earthquake, it removes the air from the sky and the belts, pants and balls drop down."

Ash Williams: "Good.... bad..... Brett's the guy with the gun."

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• Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: Commercial Jingles Edition (Dec. 4, 2008)

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