Thursday Morning Cupcheck - For the Ladies

by Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we got up to our elbows in Chris Pronger's psyche: this week, I was planning on writing my tri-annual Hockey Jeopardy column ("This San Jose Sharks forward could suck the chrome off a fender from a mile away"), but recent events in the NHL multiverse have once again forced my hand. I'm talking, of course, about the new stuff on sale for tha ladiez at the NHL shop.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Waitaminute: women have disposable income now?!? I was under the impression that the females existed solely for breeding and cleaning purposes! This is primarily because you are Senior Director of Marketing for the National Hockey League, and your last contact with a woman came at 8:15am when the pill lady woke you up to give you your early morning meds.

Pictured: Mats Sundin models the Maple Leafs' new third jersey

However, you can't fault the NHL for trying: earlier this week, I was able to break into NHL HQ, like I do every week, and swipe the microfiche from the marketing department labeled MARKETING FOR FEMALES: 1939-2099. Using the classic technique of Distraction ("Your water fountain is broken. And it wasn't me.") and Jedi mind tricks ("This is not your reserved parking space"), I was able to sneak out of there with the microfiche, a microfiche reader, two soda machines, a life-sized Sidney Crosby paperweight and Colin Campbell. When I finally found an 87-year old librarian to help me work the reader, I was able to jot down some notes on what goes on inside those top-secret NHL executive meetings. Here's an eye-opening memo to all NHL owners detailing what you hockey fe-fans can expect from the NHL in the upcoming months.

"Gentlemen! It has recently come to our attention that not all fans exhibit the superior XY chromosome pairing, and that, in fact, we may need to begin to pander to the fairer sex over the next few decades. Now, I know this causes tremendous consernation for you --Brian Burke is currently funding a time machine to help us go back and prevent those women's libbers from getting the vote-- but I beseech thee, gentlemen, that we should view this travesty as an opportunity rather than a Sign of the End Times.

We were able to do some focus group research of our own on this subject, and came up with some sure-fire money-making ideas. Most, if not all, of these ideas will soon be readily available in NHL stores in each of your cities, and should provide us with enough cash to fund our top-secret guerilla wars against KHL teams in the Urals.

Because female-heavy focus groups seemed to react favorably to the handsome physiques and bone structures of many of our fine young ice hockey players, we set on a new marketing campaign: Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game. Using advertising materials we found in a dumpster behind the WWE's corporate offices, we were also able to brainstorm some terrific merchandising ideas. Here are a few of the can't-miss items aimed at women:

--'He Hate Me' game jerseys: This was the #1 selling jersey for the XFL, and should be an easy seller for our gals in the shoppes.

--Detroit Red Wings 2008 Commemorative Ice Shovel, Thong and Stripper Pole: Ladies love matching sets of goods. We may include a blender and see-thru apron as well for the female with discerning tastes.

--'Baby Wet Myself' Sidney Crosby doll: Girls love their dollies, and we want them to love Sidney Hockey Jesus. For All of Eternity.

--Daniel Carcillo Commemorative NHL Douche: Focus groups show decisively that women would not enjoy scalding hot water in their uterus. Hence, we came up with the NHL's very own branded douche, made of leftover ice-cold meltoff from NHL stadiums across Canada.

--Famous Skate Blade Injuries Coffee Table Book: Ladies love nothing like a good tea party, and the NHL wants a piece of that hot action. This will be sold alongside the NHL's current coffee table bestseller featuring hi-resolution pictures of Gary Bettman holding puppies while stark naked.

Mike Ricci Novelty Teeth have been flying off the shelves

--Hockey Novelty Gags: Focus groups show women love a sense of humor. We couldn't think of anything funnier than these timeless gags: the old 'finger-in-an-ice-cube' trick, Mike Ricci teeth and a whoppee cushion filled with diarrhea! We haven't laughed that hard ourselves since that party at Hoover's place in 1963 where Nixon passed out and we held him down and had our way with him. Ah, for fun!

--Our own 'CONTAINS PHAT' clothing line: Nothing produced a higher level of emotional response in female focus groups than this idea. We're expecting this to be our #1 seller.

--Derian's Fluids... For Her: Socks ranked high on the list of gift items in our polls. What better way to bring a female fan closer to the excitement of the game than a pair of Derian Hatcher's used game socks?

--Real Beauty's on the Outside: We NHL owners all know instinctively that most, if not all, females yearn to be admired for their beauty and grace. Using modern technology called 'the computer', we were able to come up with a product that allows them to take internet pornography and 'photo shop' their faces onto the bodies of the silver screen's most desirable actresses. Gary was the product tester for this one and came up with some surprisingly erotic results.

Those are the ideas that will somehow make us even wealthier, gentlemen. We'll have another set of marketing options for female in roughly fifty to a hundred years. Sieg heil!"

Unfortunately, that's all I was able to glean off the league materials before the microfiche crumbled to dust, along with the reader and the helpful librarian. Tune in next week when Ryan Getzlaf, Brooks Orpik and myself discuss the crucial importance of the NHL's pre-season.