Sunday, October 5, 2008 , Updated
Stone-Cold NFL Peglocks of the Week: World’s Greatest Actors Edition
It's football season again, and that can only mean one thing: 100% accurate predictions by our sage staff of professional prognosticators. Our historical record cannot be denied: Pegasus News' panel of overpaid NFL experts --Justin Smith, Chris Curotolo, Mike Bullock and Todd Maternowski-- has proven time and time again that this publication is the only one you, the professional sports gambler, will ever need.
This season, we have invited a weekly panel of celebrity seers to join in spirited debate over the Game of the Week. The panel will change every week: this week features regular Pegnews contributors Matt Damon (channeled through Justin Smith), Tom Cruise (via his old Xenu-punchin' buddy Todd) and David Caruso (who shows up, naked and bleeding, every week at Chris' place). They will offer their expert commentary on the titanic Week 5 clash between the New England Patriots and the San Francisco 49ers.
Click on the pic to enlarge the shockingly accurate picks
Tom Cruise: "I've never agreed with filming on the sidelines, ever. Before I was a Pats fan I never agreed with illegal filming. And when I started studying the history of film, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in the Ram's chances in the Superbowl. And as far as the Bill Belichick thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about the 49ers. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented team. And-- I wanna see them do well. And I know that-- sideline filming is-- is a pseudo-advantage. The thing that I'm saying about Belichick is that there's misinformation, okay. And he doesn't understand the history of film. He-- he doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt."
Matt Damon: "MATT DAMON!"
Meanwhile....
EXT – FOOTBALL STADIUM – AFTERNOON
David Caruso is walking across the field. He’s in full football gear (uniform with the number 305, helmet, pads etc) and, of course, he’s wearing sunglasses.
Caruso picks up a football off the ground
CARUSO – Hello America. In keeping with my track record of bad career decisions, I’m here to announce that I am leaving CSI Miami to play professional football for the SF 49s.
Caruso throws a wobbly pass about 10 yards down field. He turns towards the camera and continues…
CARUSO – Now I know your probably thinking, “does Caruso know anything” (sunglasses off), “about football?” (sunglasses on). The answer is, of course, no. (sunglasses off). But I didn’t know anything about making movies when I left my insanely popular TV show NYPD Blue and went on to make such hits as “Jade” and the ironically titled “Kiss of Death.” (sunglasses on). Enough said.
Caruso picks up the ball, attempts a drop kick but misses the ball completely. This doesn’t seem to phase him. He continues…
CARUSO – But that’s not what you want to know. You want to know who is going to win the game between the NE Patriots and the (sunglasses off) San (sunglasses on) Fran (sunglasses off) cisco (sunglasses on) …..(dramatic pause)…..49rs.
Caruso gets into a 3 point stance. A whistle blows and he sprints down the field. About 20 yards up he stops completely, makes a 90 degree robotic like turn to the right, and resumes running. A ball comes from off the screen and smashes him in the face busting his sunglasses.
As if nothing happened, (with smashed glasses and all) he continues in his smug tone…
CARUSO – Last week I would have said NE would win this game. However, I’m sure this showcase of my skills has left quite an impression on anyone who is trying to pick a winner this week.
Caruso runs into the end zone, spikes the ball (which then bounces up and smashes him in the nuts). On his knees he looks into the camera….
CARUSO – SF over NE. (broken sunglasses fall off)
