Thursday, October 9, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Grading the Dallas Stars’ 2008-09 Season

By Todd Maternowski

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we went over, in horrifying detail, the NHL's plans for tha ladiez. This week, I was busy helping Gary Bettman plan his upcoming Handosexual Pride Parade ("It's here! It's near! Get used to it!"), when I looked up and noticed that the NHL had already begun! Well, perhaps not in the hearts, minds, or TV sets of true hockey fans, but yes--technically, the regular season is already in motion. Finally, all those long summer months of having to read list after list on this hockey column are dead and forgotten.

So with the Dallas Stars playing their first game of the 2008-2009 NHL season tomorrow, I must admit I'm a little nervous. For ten long years, no major media outlet has given the Stars their due: even when they won the Cup, they were considered underdogs against the vaunted Red Wings and Avalanche. This year, however, is aggressively different: while the sports media experts should be going for the low-hanging easy pick (Detroit to win it all, again), a surprisingly large number are picking the Stars to upset the Wings and win the Cup.

As a longtime Stars fan, I find these rah-rah articles/lists hideously unreadable. Where's the lack of respect we've become accustomed to? Where's the moronic articles questioning where the offense is going to come from, or how old and slow the Stars forwards are? Where are the national media pundits who can't name a single Star outside of Mike Modano? Are these the same all-knowing seers that predicted a Vikings-Jags Superbowl, or honestly though that the Maple Leafs had a snowball's chance in Satan's asscrack these past two decades?

It's never a good sign when the experts (pictured) all think you're cool

Stars fans will look back on those halcyon days this season. Right now Stars fans have nothing to hate.

Still, there is much to look forward to. The classic GM mistake of "add as many free agents as possible" was thankfully avoided by young Voltron GM Hulkson, who wisely opted to let the team gel for another full offseason. Teams that get along well play well, and the only truly effective team-building tool managers/coaches have is Time. Teams come together in stages, and the idea that you can take a bunch of talented individuals, throw them together in a pot and expect them to immediately perform at a high level together is about as intelligent as flinging feces at a cop to lower your gas mileage.

So with the Stars pulling some fancy mad-cap shenanigans (see what I did there?) to get under the cap before opening day, the roster finally looks set. And by 'set', I mean, of course, 'ideally amazingly awesome minus injuries': there was a one or two day period where both James Neal and Mark Fistric were sent to the minors --without any official reason being given-- but it appears that that's all taken care of now, a mere formality to get the Stars $1 million or so under the salary cap.

Thank the Hockey Gods for that one, because no two players need time at the NHL level more than those two. Neal, in particular, is an opportunity away from dominating. Many have compared him to Shane Doan or Brenden Morrow --two guys who fly under the major media radar, but are in fact among the top ten players in the NHL (especially on fantasy hockey teams)-- but that level of play will only come a few years from now. Best to get the kid up here now, where the pressure to carry the team is next to nil and he can focus on getting his game ready for the near future.

A team with Morrow, Ott, Avery, Lehtinen, Neal and Crombeen is going to be a very difficult one to play against, not to mention the staggering number of power plays the Stars will enjoy. That's why it would have been great to get Ivan Vishnevskiy up as well --the Russian Heir-Apparent to Zubov-- but a little more minor-league seasoning can't hurt.

The other player in that wacky zany day of kooky hijinks was Mark Fistric. Stars fans will fondly recall Fistric's rookie season, in which he played startingly well in an emergency call-up role that had three rookies logging huge minutes on the Stars' backend. Of the three, Fistric was the least polished but ultimately perhaps the most solid. Up until his gaffe-a-game performance against the Red Wings, Fistric was an absolute mensch, and anyone who's seen what he's done in the minors will tell you that Fistric was holding back on the NHL level. With size and physicality the Stars haven't seen since the Hatcher-Matvichuk line, and a deceptive speed that prevents him from getting too far out of position when he makes a mistake, it's just a matter of time before Fistric evolves into the player that will make young Stars fan forget we ever had a guy named Hatcher patrolling the blue line. At the very least, he should make people forget we ever had John Erskine back there.

That said, Stars fans should still expect a sophomore slump for the young tank --unless, of course, he bucks the normal trend and dominates even more than he did last year, in which we can safely call Fistric the Second Coming of Scott Stevens. Too soon? Well, get back to me in early June, when I'll pen a highly-irritating "2008-09 I Told You So, Biznatches" column extolling how amazingly right I was on calling Fistric and Neal out on the carpet.

That said, here's my first annual Final 2008-09 Regular Season Grades. I'll admit, I'm stealing this idea from college football, where the preseason rankings are far more important than what the teams actually accomplish on the field. Plus, it provides additional fodder for my critics to point and laugh at what a preposterous mouth-breathing imbecile I am. Everybody wins!

2008 Opening Day Dallas Stars Roster

Sean Avery: 15 goals, 180 penalty minutes and yet another mid-season injury that will cost him about 20 games or so. More importantly, Avery will provide the Stars' penalty-killing unit with the shorthanded goals they lost when Hagman left, as well as endless material for talk radio chatter. B+

We'll miss you, Hagman. Until about Game 35.

Krystopher Barch: This season should see Barch ascend to Aaron Downey-hood, a position the Stars have sorely been missing. While the roster is chock full of fowards who can fight, Barch's MMA-style training should elevate him into the Pacific's elite class of Carcillo-brainers. C+

Fabian Brunnstrom: The young, obviously overrated Swede will disappoint on pretty much every level this season, as he adjusts his game to NHL standards. Expect a couple of trips down to the minors, where he will be regularly replaced by --gasp!-- Stars Resident Hobbit Chris Connor. D

B.J. Crombeen: The feisty young forward will be a pain in the ass to play against, but then again, won't this entire team? If he can reign in the stupid penalties, he could be another one of the Stars' vastly underrated forwards. B

Loui Eriksson: Great things should come from Eriksson, but you can never tell what you're going to get from a non-Lehtinen Finn. Expect a minor increase in offensive production and a major increase in ice time. Although, with these creepily silent Viking-killers, you never know: he might well turn into the next Teemu Selanne, minus the season-costing Dick Move of 2008. B+

Jere Lehtinen: Lehtinen's getting old, getting injured, and not attending enough Slayer concerts these days. You can't compare him to the dominating defensive force he once was, but he's still pretty damned good on both ends of the ice. B+

Joel Lundqvist: Lundqvist took a massive step back last year, likely due to his father's illness (hey, it happened to Henrik too), but the guy came alive in the playoffs. I'm chalking that one down to 'personal reasons', and fully expect Lundqvist to return to the puck-stealing manimal he was in his rookie season. A-

Mike Modano: Annually the Stars' biggest enigma, Modano seems to have accepted his role as third-line checking center and extremely-risky powerplay point man. Expect a roller-coaster season of offensive surges and Gobi-like dry spells. You know, what you've always come to expect from Mad Mike. B+

Brenden Morrow: Barring injury, which unfortunately is likely, this guy should further solidify his Messier-like status throughout the league. He's got the team he wants now, so there's no excuse. Not that he'll need one. A+

Steve Ott: Last year saw Ott put up his best year in the NHL, as he went from yappy fourth line pest to yappy third line pest and critical forward on the PK. With Avery possibly on the same line, expect an even better New and Improved Ott this season: by season's end, Stars fans will be thinking of Ott as Captain 1A behind Morrow. A

Toby Petersen: The speed and tenacity Petersen showed against the Wings will do the Stars good this season, although his complete inability to score a goal will elevate fans' frustration to pre-2008 Hagman levels. B+

Mike Ribeiro: Ribeiro's production took a huge hit once he signed his multi-year contract last season, but with unquestionably less-talented players getting nearly double the ca$$h Ribeiro is getting, this may be enough motivation for the crafty center to produce at a point-per-game once again. A-

Brad Richards: It's tough to tell what you get with Richards, other than a point-per-game and some nifty passing. With a full offseason under his belt, however, he should be able to produce what Catholic nuns call "a shitload of offense." A

Phillippe Boucher: I don't expect to see Boucher for more than 20-35 games this year, if even that, and when he's on the ice in his injured form he is actually the weakest link on the d-corps. Incomplete

Trevor Daley: With a new contract and Boucher and Zubov out for long stretches, expect Daley to continue to improve his game, especially on offense. Can a 10-goal season be completely out of the question? Can it, Trevor? Huh? B-

Mark Fistric: I'm calling a sophomore slump this season, complete with defensive breakdowns and possibly a mid-season send-down to the minors, but overall this will be a decent year for the massive d-man and known Chosen of Crom. B-

Nicklas Grossman: The heir-apparent to Norstrom's "Defensive Defenseman" mantle, Grossman is the epitome of the quietly effective play-silencer. In a previous life he'd be assassinating East German secret agents in Tangiers and recovering the lost microfilm. A

Doug Janik: As the Stars' 7th or 9th defenseman, it's going to be tough for the guy to regularly crack the lineup this season, even with injuries. Incomplete

Matt Niskanen: Nisky shined early last season when paired with Zubov, and stunk up the joint when Zubov went down. Expect more of the same this season, although in on the stat sheet Niskanen will benefit more than any other Star from the huge increase in powerplays. B-

Stephane Robidas: Robidas carried this team through the Ducks and Sharks series before disappearing (like so many others in the NHL) against the Wings. Robidas is quickly earning legendary status amongst Stars fans, who will soon revere him as a modern-day Dino Ciccarelli. A

Sergei Zubov: Without the injuries, you could expect another Norris-level season. An injury-free second half of the season should bode well for Crazy Sergei. A-

Tobias Stephan: Although some were impressed by his one NHL appearance last season, I thought he sucked: when every shot results in a fat rebound just outside the crease, you're in for a long season. The Stars' minor leagues are somewhat depleted for goalies, although with enough suckage we can definately expect a Richard Bachman sighting. D

Marty Turco: By now, Stars know exactly what to expect from Marty: a terrible goal given up in the first two minutes, followed by acrobatic saves and forecheck-killing puckhandling. While many are predicting a Vezina season for the goalfensman, Turco's stats have never impressed the judges before and will probably not this season, either. He still rocks serious face, however. A+

There you have it, Stars fans! Tune in next week when I offer my play-by-play breakdown of the Stars' 19-0 opening-day loss to the Unstoppable Columbus Blue Jackets.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Remember the Dallas Stars? (April 23, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Hockey Revisionism: What 2008-09 Season? (April 9, 2009)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Gang Violence in the NHL (Oct. 23, 2008)
• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - And Then Came Fabian (Oct. 16, 2008)
• Pegasus News week in view: Scary October edition (Oct. 9, 2008)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars

Comments

Chris Brownrigg Verified

Sonya! Please be quiet!

The signing of secret weapon Coach Yashin is secretest of secrets.

We would not want KGB to be knocking of door with questions of asking, would we?

8 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )