Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Gang Violence in the NHL
Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we fell in love all over again with Stars rookie and Swedish bombshell Fabian Brunnstrom, despite my harsh preseason prediction that Brunnstrom would end up being the Washout of the Ages: this week, I was going to write my annual column '5 Reasons Why Giant Dildos are Good for the NHL' (#4: "Can you say..dicksicle?"), but after the events of the past week I'm being forced to write about something very serious. Namely, the spread of gang violence in hockey.
Those of you who watched the Devils-Stars game last night know what I'm talking about: it's getting to the point where it's simply not safe for the Stars to go into the arenas anymore. After getting brutally beaten, robbed and embarrassed in their supposed-to-be-fun trip to St. Louis earlier, I had figured that the Stars had pretty much seen the worst of it. That yeah, they got roughed up, took on a few bruises and black eyes and whatnot, but that the experience would leave them a little more streetwise, and I felt pretty sure that after that mugging, the Stars would take care not to go into dangerous places like that again.
I was wrong.
Anyone who witnessed the brutal gang violence on display in Jersey last night had to be appalled, and, if you had any sense of compassion, you probably threw up in your mouth during the second and third periods. I mean, yes, the Stars did wander into the Devils' 'turf' --but only in a very timid, non-threatening way, which hardly justifies the 60-minute whipping they suffered as a result.
Will it happen again? Will the Stars be smart enough to avoid poorly-lit, high-crime arenas like Detroit and San Jose? On behalf of concerned Stars fans everywhere, I've put together a list of Hockey Safety Tips. Follow these, and gang brutality will hopefully become a thing of the past.
#1 - Skate Confidently: More times than I can count (which, realistically, is not that impressive a number), the Stars skated meekly into the Devils zone, presenting themselves as easy targets for aggressive Devils and Blues predators. Skating confidently and with a purpose should send a message to street gangs that you are not a victim.
#2 - Be Alert. Notice who passes you and who's behind you: Posture is key here: skating slowly with your head down, unaware of possible dangers or threats of bodily harm is a sure-fire way to lose the puck/your teeth. At no time in Jersey did any Dallas Star realize where his teammates were, and it may have seemed to each slow-moving forward that they were constantly surrounded by hostile gang members at all times. Keep your head up and your eyes open.
#3 - Don't Carry a Lot of Cash in Your Purse: Last night, the Stars skated with their purses in full view, presenting themselves as easy potential victims. Don't strut around dangerous areas with gobs of cash sticking out of your sequined luxury handbags: you will end up impressing no one, and likely losing both your purse and your self-respect.
#4 - Never Travel Alone: For 60 minutes, Dallas forwards traveled alone and afraid in the Devils' defensive zone. Never skate into high-risk areas by yourself. Always bring at least another forward, or --even better-- a big, burly defenseman.
#5 - Stick to High Pedestrian Areas: Fans have not visited the Prudential Center in many years: the Stars' beat-down was witnessed by only a tiny handful of unconcerned passers-by. Travel only in areas with good lighting and plenty of human traffic.
#6 - When You Get Home, Don't Linger: Make a quick check for preseason press clippings announcing how great you are, then quickly go back in your house, lock the doors and windows, and go to bed with all your stuffed animals. Pacifers are optional but highly recommended.
There you have it: following these guidelines, the Stars should be able to travel smartly and safely through the rest of the season. Tune in next week when U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Edward T. Schafer and I investigate why the Stars replaced their graphite sticks with crude Amish farming tools.
